Stepmom,

I disagree with Prudie. I don't think either you or your husband should be the one to tell the kid he isn't getting his phone, unless he asks you directly, in which case, your husband should answer. Stepping in to explain for his mother not only lets her off scott-free from hearing the disappointment in her son's voice, it also paints you and your husband as the bearers of bad news, and possibly as the bad guys.

A ten year old is pretty likely to assume that if it was really his mother's choice to renege, she would have said so herself. If dad says so instead, then dad probably convinced her to do it. Mom is the good guy from promising (added to not being the home disciplinarian, etc.), and dad is the bad guy for denying. When the kid starts to wonder where his present is, he will ask someone about it- hopefully her.

Stiffed,

Start calling him before he comes over for dinner and asking him to stop off and pick up a couple of bottles of wine or beer because you've been too busy to make it to the store for those.

Not only will this effectively cut into the cost of the meal (alcohol is usually one of the more expensive parts), but it is a completely reasonable request and will give you some insight into his tastes. The truth is, he may be fine with a $10 bottle of wine instead of a $30 bottle, in which case, it's your taste that's pushing up the cost of the dinner you prepare, not his.

If his frugal tendencies outweigh any foodie inclinations he may have, then that's just part of who he is, and a conversation on the subject will not change that, but it might bring up some buried tensions that could disrupt your otherwise stable relationship. So if this is the case, just recognize that if you ever reach a state of shared finances (i.e. marriage, shared household), you will likely have to start taking the skirt steak over the filet when eating in to preserve harmony.

I don't think either you or your husband should be the one to tell the kid he isn't getting his phone, unless he asks you directly, in which case, your husband should answer.

What should the answer be? Personally, I think it should be "Ask your mother, she's the one that made the promise."

That's probably the best way. Or, "Your mom and I make our decisions separately, so she is the only one who can really explain this to you."

Good way to put it.

Re: Your advice to Stiffed - you are right on. Who constantly accepts dinner invitations from a person, especially 2 or 3 dinners a week, and fails to contribute anything? Contributing a bottle of wine or a dessert is expected, except for very formal invitations. As much as I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, I don't think this guy is oblivious, I think he is definitely cheap.

Of course the boy won't ask until he doesn't get the phone. And then if the mom doesn't lie and blame the dad and his fiancee, maybe she tells the truth, "I'm sorry, I couldn't afford it. I told your father weeks ago, he didn't tell you?" Either way, guess who comes off looking bad. It's not the mom.

But then when the kid finds out he's not getting a phone, Mommy will say, 'But I told Daddy. Didn't he tell you?' So Daddy ends up being the bad guy anyway, for letting the kid keep his hopes up in vain.

Serve the guy hot dogs and baked beans when he comes over for dinner.

Good point. I think Dad can still dodge the bullet by being as little involved in affairs like this as possible (same goes with the step-mom). Then the kid will have to depend on his own mother for information involving her, thus she will get the deserved blame for her broken promises.

In this particular scenario, I think the best course of action, (if Mom pulls the stunt you describe), is to say, "You promised the phone, you should have told him personally." Then later he can take the woman aside and tell her in no uncertain terms that he and his wife will not be covering for her mistakes anymore, and if she has any spine she will own up to her broken promises herself like a grown adult. If she's a passe-the-buck, slink-away-from-promises kind of person, she's probably too weak-willed to push the issue past that point.

And of course, there's always the other direction the dad can go with this: a week or two before his birthday, when he starts saying something about his phone, say,

"Are you sure that's the kind of phone you're going to get? Your mom may not be able to afford that. Why don't you call her and ask to be sure that one is in her price range?"

Kid either: declines, saying he's sure his mom will come through (in which case, dad has now mentioned it and can't be held liable), or accepts, calls his mom, and says, "You can afford this phone, right?"

Then, since his birthday has not come yet, if mom says something like, "Dad told me not to get you one," Dad can say to her, in front of child, "We said that we won't get him one until he is old enough, but we won't stop you from giving your son a gift," in which case, she has to come up with another excuse.

I'm with mermaid here (I think she posted in another thread). Everybody is so dang set on protecting the dad but that isn't the first concern. If a parent has to occasionally take a blow for his kid, that is his duty. Of course it isn't right / fair / or anything else but that is what parenting is about. Step up, tell the kid the truth and take the fallout. Good parents don't lie, even by omission.

My advice on "stiffed" is just go dutch. Problem solved.

I am a dad, always teaching my children to have good values and morals. I have four children. Three girls and one boy.

Why should dad say anything? Well, it just wouldn't be right if he didn't!

Ever hear of that infamous swear jar? Or bad word jar? Where one would put money in it if a swear was said or a bad word was spoken? Now think of that for the moment,OK? Who does the putting of money in? The adult does usually!

Well, what would a parent do if a child promises to pick up the dirty clothes off his floor in his room or promises to do his homework and doesn't do it? A time out come to mind or something taken away for the night perhaps?

We teach our children that even their promises mean something in this world and especially to us their parents if the promises have been made to us, don't we?

Why then would it be any different for the adult to be owning up to falsehood! This should be taught and brought to the attention of the child of ten years of age and see if he would like to talk to his mother about the false promises made and perhaps suggest he doesn't take her phone calls anymore for a while until she learns not to lie to him about things like that or the other and so forth! Yes give mom a time out!

I do allow my children to give me a time out or take away something of mine for the night, while they enjoy an extra goodies that evening if, I do something as dumb as not keep a promises or have told some kind of lie! I encourage them to catch me doing anything like that!

urmajestyarthur

Okay, to SusanM (and all others who think Dad should take the fall): What greater good would come of Dad breaking the news and looking like the bad guy? How would it benefit the kid? I don't believe it would benefit the kid at all, because the result would be the kid keeps trusting Mom even though she doesn't deserve it, and turning on Dad and Step-Mom, who it seems are trying harder to be good parents. Not a healthy situation for the kid. My reasons for making sure Mom takes is the fall is because she's the one responsible in the first place. urmajestyathur makes a good point in that regard, but encouraging the kid to punish Mom for her broken promise could backfire into "You're trying to turn me against her!" Plus the kid shouldn't be encouraged to loathe his mother or continually hold her faults against her, he just needs to know not to get his hopes up when Mom promises something, and that you can't blame others for your mistakes. To that end, Selene212's response

...as I was saying before I interrupted myself, I think Selene212's idea sounds like the best one so far. If Mom or son tries to direct attention to Dad or step-mom, they should diplomatically deflect it back at Mom. Also, Dad and Step-mom should make sure that they themselves always do what they say they will do, or explain themselves if they are unable to.