Prudie obviously assumed that your boyfriend was "pathologically cheap" when she read your letter, based on her own experience with a similar person. Perhaps she read into it that way based on content in your letter that got cut out, but based on what I read, I don't think that's necessarily the case.

You know what? It's possible that he doesn't understand that these nice at-home dinners you make are a major expenditure, because 1) you're making these expensive dinners at home in the first place and 2) it doesn't look like you've said anything about it to him. Some people are just kind of clueless and don't pick up on this stuff unless it's very clearly spelled out for them.

It's kind of an awkward subject, but you should bring it up with your boyfriend. Give him the benefit of the doubt. I bet he doesn't even realize that this is an issue - and there are ways he can make it up to you.

He could, for instance, pay for both of you the next time or two that you go out and cover the approximate cost of the nice dinner with wine you provided at your house (don't count exact dollar amounts, though, that's just crass). He could cook and provide a bottle of wine for you just as often as you do for him, if he's a decent cook. Or you could do the same thing for the home-cooked meals that you do with your dates: split the cost. You could buy the ingredients and he could bring the nice wine, for instance.

The key here is that you have to determine whether he is actually being cheap or just dense. Being the softie I am, I'm inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt.

The restaurant tab came up to $42. He paid less than half, even before a tip. If she tells him in advance that since she spends so much time and money on dinner at her place, she won't be contributing to the meals out, he'll probably find a more well-heeled girlfriend.

I was thinking. If I were in her place and he did that the next time we went out I would do 1) get a sepperate tab for my meal thus I only pay for my meal, 2) beat him to the punch and offer up $20 on a $42 some tab.

I do think that having an open non-accusatory conversation about the finances of meals is a good first step. Maybe he's cheap; maybe he doesn't think about the fact that meals cooked at home still cost money. Maybe he is totally cheap and a big mooch. It still doesn't hurt to broach the subject and lay out her concerns and financial limitations. If he's not a jerk, they can work something out. If he is, that's good information to have. Either way, it never hurts to act as though you think the other person is a well-intentioned mature individual and initiate a discussion. If they prove you wrong, then you can act accordingly.

they only hold so much water.

Even if this guy does not realize exactly how expensive the meals she's cooking for him at home are, he is well aware that eating in at her place has shifted the expense balance onto her plate.

She said that he has started coming over for meals several times a week, which means either that they stopped going out to eat, in which case he is aware that he is spending less in restaurants, OR he has stopped eating at home those nights, in which case he is aware that he is eating better food and spending less on groceries. Any way you slice it, he knows she's footing the bill when they eat in, and he's still paying less than half the cost of his meals when they go out.

She didn't specify whether he ever cooks for her at his place, but judging by the number of days he comes over, that they go out sometimes, and the general tone of the letter, my assumption is that he does not. So he's clearly not in favor of a fair trade system here.

He may not know how much a given bottle of wine costs, but chances are he's bought a bottle of wine at some point and therefore knows that the cost of two bottles of wine alone likely exceeds the $20 he threw down for the entirety of his last meal.

Having paid for meals without her assistance, he knows that the cost of the meal includes tip and tax, yet he doesn't offer to cover those things when paying the cost of his own meal.

So the truth is that this guy is just cheap. He wants to pay for as little as he can and is more than happy to take a free meal wherever he can get it. Since she seems happy to provide, he figures it's a win-win. He may be clueless as to her unhappiness with the situation or to the burden this actually places on her finances, but he is not clueless to the fact that he is mooching off of his girlfriend. And he is fine with that. And this is a bad sign.

So yes, she's the one who needs to make the move here and shift the situation so that he is paying more. I don't think a conversation about finances is in order, but she should start asking him to pick up the alcohol on the way over for dinner or suggesting that they go out instead. She can even say she'd rather go out because it's cheaper for her than cooking for the both of them is.

If he doesn't eventually pick up on this and change his ways (which he likely won't because cheap is cheap is cheap), she will have to choose between eating less extravagantly at home, eating out, or just eating the cost of dating this mooch.

She should have pizza delivered on nights he's over, and when the pizza delivery person arrives say, "ok, you owe me $10 for your half. I'm starving. Let's eat!"

I agree that he's reaping the benifits, but there really is the possibility that he's not aware of the EXTENT of her expense to feed him. He may think it's just a piece of meat and some veggies. He doesn't realize a good steak is $10 each, a big salad is another $15, wine is $20, etc. Especially if he really is a cheapskate. He's buying meat from the almost expired bin and his veggies at the 10 for $1 scratch and dent cart. LOL

"beat him to the punch and offer up $20 on a $42 some tab."

I'm obviously a cheapo, but what if (in the example she mentioned) he ate chicken and she got filet mignon? Maybe she thought she'd make up for some of the inequality and bought a more expensive dinner thinking he'd cover half the bill. He covered just under half, but probably more than the chicken dinner he ordered. I'm just sayin...

The polite and correct way to split a bill in a restaurant is for each party to put their credit card down for the waiter, sign the chit when it comes back and not say another word.

Sitting in a restaurant dissecting the bill is horribly rude to everyone, including the staff. Don't go there.

big_macs:

"beat him to the punch and offer up $20 on a $42 some tab."

I'm obviously a cheapo, but what if (in the example she mentioned) he ate chicken and she got filet mignon? Maybe she thought she'd make up for some of the inequality and bought a more expensive dinner thinking he'd cover half the bill. He covered just under half, but probably more than the chicken dinner he ordered. I'm just sayin...

Which is probably why, if I continued dating this guy past the second date, I would start separate tabs. That way I know that I am paying for my meal and not some of his. But, I probably would not date this man at all. While I have no problem with dutch, I do feel that something is lost when one starts looking at the tab and dividing by 2 at every date. To me it would not only be easier but feel more like a date if he pay for us one date and then I pay for us the next date.

I can imagine the opposite, the LW getting the chicken and this man getting filet mignon and then him offering less then half. I get taking advantage vibes off of this letter, but then perhaps I am just being pessimistic.

Nah, you're probably right. I'm just playing devil's advocate for a second. I personally think she should dump him and run in the opposite direction.

I'm so glad I don't have to date any more..........

IncogNeato:

The restaurant tab came up to $42. He paid less than half, even before a tip.

Seriously though, would you think more highly of him if he said "Here's my $21 dollars plus my half of the tip." and counted out exact change? Just a thought.

Mermaid,

Why are you so hellbent on defending this guy? Is your husband a cheapskate?

IncogNeato:

The restaurant tab came up to $42. He paid less than half, even before a tip. If she tells him in advance that since she spends so much time and money on dinner at her place, she won't be contributing to the meals out, he'll probably find a more well-heeled girlfriend.

You got that right, IncogNeato!

He's either cheap... or he's a fucking retard who can't do the math! Either way, he's NOT a keeper!

Actually, no, The Reverend is a hideous spendthrift. I'm the one who shops at the Salvation Army and he shops at the expensive Big & Tall store - for socks.

I was just making fun of Neato because she seems really stuck on that $42 dollar dinner tab before a tip (she's made this point somewhere else too, I think). What are we talking about here, a $6 difference? $1 for his "half" of the unpaid dinner bill and $5 for his half of the $10.00 tip? Is the problem that he should have given her $30 instead of $20? Why didn't she just speak up and say, "this isn't enough."

Just playing devil's advocate isn't defending someone.