Dear Stepmom-to-be:

One way manipulative, sorry-a$$ people get to continue screwing up other people is by allowing someone else to do their explaining and/or apologizing.

When your stepson-to-be wants to know why he hasn't gotten what his mother promised him, you and his father should simply say, "You'll have to ask her." Her neglect speaks for itself, believe me. I became a single mother when my daughter was 3. Her father's promises that never materialized left her hurt and I, of course, wanted to fix that. But those were things I didn't do and shouldn't have to explain or apologize for. Nor should you. Explaining for her only absolves her from dealing with what she's done.

Of course, you want to make things easier for him, but this is something his mother promised him and she should deal with it. She is not going to learn to stop making promises she can't come through with if you and her ex are always there to smooth things over.

This is EXACTLY what I'm saying! Some people are thinking spare the poor child some heartache and buffer it. But, then all of her empty promises make for a mess someone else has to clean up. I love that first sentence and it is so true. People get away with some much crap, because there is alway someone else covering up for them. It's not the end of the world if a 10 year old doesn't get his cell phone.

Mom needs to explain it herself. If anything, the child will probably understand it more if mom just says she didn't have the cash instead of hearing it second-hand for someone that didn't want him to have it in the first place.

I agree that dad and stepmom shouldn't run interference for the kid's birth mother when she can't live up to her promises. But telling a ten-year-old "you'll have to ask her" is really harsh for the kid. In a way it's almost as bad as saying "your mother's a bad person who doesn't keep her promises," which the kid's father and stepmother seem to want to avoid. (Good for Prudie, by the way, for cautioning them against dissing the boy's mother in front of him, even if she is a flake.)

The problem with saying this to the kid is that it actually puts a lot of the burden on him, not his flaky mother. That wouldn't be right, and it would be an underhanded way of using the kid to hurt his dad's ex.

Dad can tell the kid that his mom is tighter for money than she thought she was going to be when she said she'd buy the kid a phone, and leave the boy to ask for an explanation himself if he wants to.

You're right but you're wrong. The right thing to do strictly regarding the mom is not enable. But they can't focus on the right thing to do regarding the mom when it conflicts with the right thing to do regarding the kid. If the dad and stepmom don't tell the boy, then he's going to find out ON his 10th birthday by having the whole thing fall flat. That is going to be more painful for him than finding out in advance with some softening by his dad. Yes, it sucks to be forced to carry someone else's water, but it's a sacrifice they'll be making for the well-being of a young boy.

But telling a ten-year-old "you'll have to ask her" is really harsh for the kid.

Excuse me, this is his MOTHER, not the jail warden. And Dad/Stepmom can adopt a neutral, why I really don't know a thing about it, you would have to ask your mom what's up, tone. Not some harsh, judgemental command to ask her.

Getting overly involved in conversations between Mom and kid is not Dad's responsiblity, and it is certainly none of stepmom's business. Frankly, it sounds like one or the other sees a great chance to smear Mom's name to hell and back, while hiding under cover of just wanting to protect Junior. Junior is gonna be 10. He needs to learn this life lesson. He's a big boy now. He'll get over it.

Aquagirl,

You're right but you're wrong. The right thing to do strictly regarding the mom is not enable. But they can't focus on the right thing to do regarding the mom when it conflicts with the right thing to do regarding the kid.

This assumes that it is better for him to find out in advance from his dad than on his birthday from the lack of gift box. I disagree with you on that point.

I agree with Aquagirl. The right thing to do in not covering for the Mom is not the kindest and best thing to do for the 10 year old son. He probably already has some clue that his mom is not the world's most responsible person in the world, but he doesn't need to find that out by being publicly disappointed on his birthday. The less said about the mom the better, but dad would be kind to the son to tip him off that he might not be getting the phone prior to his birthday.

One possibility in dealing with the absentee mom, is that if the father and stepmother try to make things better with the 10 year old by telling him for her, is that she is open to later tell her son that it was really the father and stepmother's fault. That it was them because they didn't want him to have a cell phone until he was age 15. The absentee mom already has shown a lack of character and integrity. This move is quite possible from her ilk.

I'd tell the *&%$# that if she disappointed her children again she could forget about seeing them. She needs to own up to some responsibility here. You should never make a promise to a kid that you don't keep. They always remember it and carry it with them into adulthood. That poor little boy is going to be hurt terribly by her selfishness.

I am a single mother who's ex just left town and wasn't interested in the kids. It was just one explanation that didnt have to get repeated too many times "well your dad just can't be a dad, there is something wrong with him".

I think ten is too young for a phone. But couldnt they say, is it too hard to say? Bud I think your mom wont be able to afford the phone for you. I know that you wanted one (you know he has told all his friends) I know it's hard, but I think at 12 and when you are in junior high - then you will need one and we can get you one then.

One thing about cell phones - kids might think it's for them. I know it is for keeping tabs on them with the flick of a button.

Yeah, the mother is a dog, but you know the kid is going to know that without having to tear him up about it time after time.

slcslicker:

One possibility in dealing with the absentee mom, is that if the father and stepmother try to make things better with the 10 year old by telling him for her, is that she is open to later tell her son that it was really the father and stepmother's fault. That it was them because they didn't want him to have a cell phone until he was age 15. The absentee mom already has shown a lack of character and integrity. This move is quite possible from her ilk.

That's a possibility I considered but forgot to put in my original comment to this post - and it's a good point. I can totally see this flake of a mom doing that.

"I don't know" is a better answer; the boy can then ask his mother, who can tell him whatever BS she wants. He already KNOWS what she is.

i agree with aquagirl. finding out on his birthday would be worse. its better to know before. he's already told all his friends about the phone so on his birthday they're gonna be expecting him to get it which is gonna make the fact that he isn't gonna get it even worse.

I am a stepmom of two boys 11 and 12. Its NOT UP TO THE DAD AND STEPMOM to make things right. Telling the boy to ask his mom, is the right thing. My husband has custody of his two boys, and this mom could be my 2 stepsons mom. She promises the world and gives nothing. Both boys know not to believe anything mom says until they see it with own eyes. Mom got boys cell phones for xmas...they got shut off about 1 month ago..WHY? She didnt pay bill. So yes..i would tell boy..to ask mom. You cant cover for bio mom forever.

This is really unfortunate. I'm a single dad and I'd give everything I own to have custody of my child. I too get to deal with the mother who can't say no and gives him everything he wants anytime he wants it. It makes me sick that because there are so many deadbeat dads out there, moms are generally given full custody. In a some cases this is probably best, but not always. Believe it or not there are dads out there who do care and who'd make a much better custodial parent. These boys will be better off with their dad in the long run and this new (what seems to be) caring and concerned step mom. Good for her and good for them. Agreed that 10 is too young for a cell but maybe by middle school. Sorry to every mom out there who has to deal with a deadbeat dad.