I’m the author of the diaper post and honestly, I did not expect it would be published. I’ve always liked Prudie’s advice, so I thought I’d give it a shot because I was desperate for an outlet at the time and I couldn’t talk to anyone I know for obvious reasons. I did not write it so that Prudie or readers like yourselves could “validate [my] opinion that the topic should never be discussed again,” as was assumed in a response to the Diaperman isn’t alone topic or for “people to reassure [me]” that I‘m in the right. In fact, I expected quite the opposite. I’m not the type of person to ask for relationship advice because I feel that most people who do so simply show that they cannot think for themselves or that they just need some drama, but this time I was genuinely at a loss and willing enough to send in an anonymous letter for a few outside opinions.

Looks like I got more than a few. With that said, many of you have given very thoughtful and encouraging responses, while others have used my genuine concern for myself and a person I love as an opportunity to make jokes or to give narcissistic diatribes about how mean and closed minded I am or how much of a pervert my boyfriend is. I might have drawn some of the same conclusions that many people here did had I not actually been in the situation, but after reading it all I feel I could clear some things up. Mainly I want to say he’s not a pervert or pedophile, and that was bothering me even though everything is anonymous.

I wrote that letter more than a month ago, and if it was a shock to see the response in my inbox then it was an even bigger shock to see how much it had been shortened. Many details were left out that would have cleared a lot of things up, so I’ll tell you now.

My initial reaction was not to tell him to shut his mouth and call him a freak. I simply didn’t know what to say so I sat silent for a bit while he nervously explained further details. He said that he did not want to be treated like a baby, he didn’t want to actually poop in them, he did not expect me to change diapers or anything of the sort, and most importantly that he was not a pedophile, and I truly believe all of that. He did not deny or confirm that his fascination is sexual, but I can’t think of what other purpose he would have for wearing them. I think he is holding a lot back because he saw how shocked I was, so one reason for my concern is that I believe it really is a sexual thing and that he would like my participation, which is something I simply cannot do.

My boyfriend and I are still together, but he has only jokingly mentioned the diaper thing once or twice since he first popped the news. Maybe that means he’s not as fascinated with them as he seemed to be at first, or maybe he’s just avoiding it like I am. To my knowledge he has only actually worn a diaper once. He just showed up to see me one night wearing one and let me discover it on my own as I undressed him. I’d never heard of a diaper fetish before, and I don‘t know how anyone would unless they went searching for it or had the fascination themselves, so I assumed it was just a really twisted practical joke and told him to get rid of it immediately. Now a year later I find out it was no joke, but a test, and I have to say I’m feeling pretty stupid about it even though I’m sure that admission and others will invite a few smart a** comments.

Responses to a few individual comments... I‘ll cover some of the more extreme or offensive ones later:

To those who think I’m a prude…
We’ve had sex quite successfully for nearly three years now and the positions, locations, and practices have ranged from what many consider normal to what most consider strange or just plain immoral. I am certainly not a prude afraid of a little sexual adventure and after four years with the same person, I think a certain amount of spice is absolutely essential. But everyone has their limits and this thing with the diapers just crosses the line with me. I cannot bring myself to indulge this fantasy/fetish or whatever it is because of certain things that I need in order to function in this relationship--I can't have a picture in my head of my boyfriend in a diaper while we’re having sex or doing anything else. It would indeed make me feel like the pedophile, as a couple of people have suggested. It would also go directly against my only sexual fantasy, which is the only request I’ve ever made in the bedroom, and that is that he would take control and be forceful and make the moves first for a change. I tend to be the one left to take care of other things, but at least just in this one place I want to feel controlled and subdued, and I will never have that if I’m thinking of his diapers. Like I said, he has become a different person to me, and that is a person I can’t picture in the role I need him to play. I’ve done everything else he’s ever asked for, so I don’t think I’m being selfish at all by sitting this one out.
[Frances.k: “And like the above commenter - kink IS normal. It’s not freaky. What should be considered freaky are adults who can’t open up to other possibilities and ways of getting themselves turned on.”]
I’m actually very open minded, and there’s absolutely no way you could accurately deduce that I am not based on my letter. You seem to understand all about kinky turn ons, but don’t you also realize that certain people have turn offs that are as deeply rooted in them as any fetish? That’s the case here. The diaper freaks me out, and that’s that. I can handle sex on grandma’s kitchen counter and sex toys and handcuffs and maybe even some moderate violence, but I draw the line at diapers.

To those who think I’m a judgmental meanie and that the relationship is doomed…
Several people have said that I initially reacted too strongly: There was nothing in the letter suggesting that I was mean or rude to him. In fact I thought I stated clearly that I was concerned about him and didn’t want him to feel like he couldn’t tell me things just because the diapers bother me. My reaction was silence. He talked for a while then apologized. I apologized too, but didn’t know where to take it from there. It was not the blow up that many imagine, but simply an awkward one-sided conversation. I’m not judging him at all. I recognize like most people that we all have our turn ons and turn offs, and I don’t love him any less simply because one of his turn ons happens to be a huge turn off for me. That is the very reason this was even an issue in the first place. No matter how disturbing this may be to me, I’m not able to just walk away and shrug off a four year relationship and my best friend. Haven’t any of you ever loved someone, friend/SO/or relative, who brought something up or did something so appalling to you that you had to re-evaluate things and totally redefine or even end your relationship? I’ve had to do this a few times with parents and friends, and each time had to make the decision whether or not to forgive and continue or hold the grudge and let go. In this case there is nothing to forgive, but it is nonetheless a relationship-altering event. We’ll be ok, if only because of the length of time we’ve been together. After all, I did not ask Prudie for breakup tips. I specifically stated that “I love him and find it hard to imagine life without him” and that I was worried about him opening up to me “in the future,” which in itself implies that I fully intend for there to be a future. What I asked Prudie for was advice on how to let him know how I feel without scaring him into never opening up to me again, because no matter how delicately I might try to arrange the words, the gist of it is that I don’t want to see or be a part of something that was important enough for him to risk humiliation and rejection.

It didn't sound to me, at least, that he was soiling them, just that he perhaps enjoyed the feel of them for some reason. However, one comment you made here would concern me:

trina1104:

It would also go directly against my only sexual fantasy, which is the only request I’ve ever made in the bedroom, and that is that he would take control and be forceful and make the moves first for a change.

How to put this gently? Hove you met his mother or perhaps older sisters? It really sounds like he was the victim of pedophelia at some point. That you need him to take charge "for once", that you were undressing him (not odd in itself, only if it's the norm for you), makes it sounds as if he may have been trained into this role.

I really think you and he - at least he - should discuss this with a professional. If there are unresolved sexual issues from years before, he really should deal with that trauma.

I also think he was getting ready to pop the question, but that's just me.

Advice columns are considered to be "for entertainment only." Some people just take that to a greater extreme than others. It's nothing personal. Just some people like to let their imaginations soar when they are stuck in a cublicle or something equally mind-numbing. Many are still unconvinced that the majority of these letters are even real.

Do you think, trina1104 that the time you mentioned, is the only time he has worn a diaper? Or, do you think he wears them more frequently, without your knowledge for his own arousal? And if so, are you OK with that? Or, do you feel like this is him leading an erotic life of his own seperate from your relationship? Could you live with that? Could he?

I'm not buying that you're the LW. Nice try, but not happening.

I agree that it's possible your long-windedness is something that the editors would knock out of a letter, but the excuses you're making now do not ring true. The LW was not responding to her boyfriend's news the way you try and portray it.

Keep it up, though. It's always nice to see someone living by the dictum:

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullsh*t."

Hi Trina,

Your note touched me pretty deeply. I completely sympathize with your point of view. Sexuality is a deep and strange thing, and your response is itself a kind of need. Many of the respondents want you to acknowledge your boyfriend's needs, without giving equal attention to yours. Sometimes sexuality isn't malleable; we don't just what turns us on.

I'm a long-time crossdresser with a pantyhose fetish. I've brought up the pantyhose fetish -- but never the crossdressing. This is partly because my image of myself as a male lover isn't compatible with wanting to be crossdressed. But suppose it were! I could still understand a partner digging me as a guy, and simply not wanting to have me feminized.

The nasty responses notwithstanding, I have a suggestion. Tell your boyfriend exactly what you've posted here (in the original letter, and in your longer response, above). I find your statement human, respectful, caring, honest and open. Tell him exactly how you feel: that you love him, that this doesn't do it for you, and that you want to explain that without making it feel like a personal rejection or discouraging him from being honest and open in the future. It seems to me he'll feel better having a clear and honest discussion. I don't think a sexual partner needs to be held to be involved in every taste or interest. Sure, there should be room for kinky exploration, and if you can indulge something, why not? But I don't think that means you have to be forced to indulge in everything.

I'll qualify this in one way, however. Is your fundamental problem that you don't want to be involved with the diaper thing -- sexually or otherwise? I hear that the diaper thing creeps you out more than a little, but can you ultimately be fundamentally ok with it, as long as you don't need to get involved? Do you think you can reach the point where you can tolerate it, separate it from your sexual encounters, imagine him without the diaper (when he's not wearing it), and move on? If so, then I think you should try to get to the point where you can separate it from the person you love. It's a weird taste, whatever. We all have weird tastes. As long as he can be sexually satisfied without the diapers, and as long as you're not forever burdened with the image of him, diaper-clad and creepy, it seems to me that your fundamental challenge is to be open, honest, accepting and clear – you don't really want this in your life.

I've crossdressing on and off since I was 12. But I don't necessarily need it. I would happily put it away for someone I loved. It's not an exclusive requirement. And I would hope that a partner would be able to tolerate it, even if she didn't want anything to do with it (other than maybe an occasional laugh at the absurdity of life).

It seems sad to think that her view of me – or yours of your boyfriend – would be forever sullied by one taste. But I suppose these things do happen.

In any case, what you've said here seems to me to be about as clear, honest and sincere as one could hope for in a partner.

Anyway, my $0.02 ...

I will give you the benefit of the doubt and believe you are the author of the diaper post. Your post sounded quite legitimite to me. My take on this is:

1) only you know how you feel

2) you are entitled to your feelings, no matter what they are

3) stop looking outside yourself for validation of your feelings

4) if something turns you off, all the outside criticism in the world is not going to change how you feel

5) forgive yourself for not being able to take this in stride

6) a generalization here... women don't want their men to be big babies - they want them to be men.

7) a man wanting to wear a diaper in a sexual sitation is truly weird and I would think that most people couldn't handle it if faced with this situation in real life, no matter what they said on this board

8) sex and love are a complicated business

9) sometimes love isn't enough

Frankly, this situation would be deal breaker for me as well.

As I have seen mentioned on this board before, Prudie is not for people with real problems. It is for twits who can't make up their mind between a rich guy who they don't like, but who buys them expensive gifts, and the nice decent guy who can't provide diamonds. Those chicks are fair game, and we love to shred 'em. Your issue is too serious for this space.

Trina - I wonder if you could step back for just a minute and imagine this is one of your best girlfriends telling you this. Not the diaper thing per se but that her boyfriend is a passive person in the bedroom while she very much needs a guy to take charge. That the boyfriend has a fetish that is actually a turn off for her. Set aside the judgment about what is right and wrong in the bedroom and just answer me this - are the sexually compatible? And if that answer is no - do relationships between two people who are on opposite extremes with their sexual needs really work for the 30-40 years that 'forever' takes?

I certainly understand that you've got 4 years in with this guy and that he is your best friend. But if we just close our eyes and imagine you all together 10 years from now, it is easy to see two very unhappy people drifting apart. Again not because one partner is right and one is wrong but because your dating has shown that you are not compatible in one major area of a relationship. So what you've got to ask yourself is, do you close your eyes to this and continue to add to the years you've spent in the relationship until one day you hate him so much you have to get out. Or do you say 'boy I'd love to keep you in my life but we need to start looking to others for our sexual needs' (however that looks to you)?

It is a hard question to ask but it sounds like you are almost to the point that you can start asking it.

What exactly does he want from you? If I were in your situation before I made any decisions about anything, that is what I would find out. If he really was, as someone suggested, getting ready to pop the question, then I think he was smart to tell you, even if he really didn't need you involved in anyway. The last thing he would need is 2 years into the marriage you find a bag of adult diapers. You go ask him about it and that is when he tells you. That would have been far worse. He has gone 3 years without you involved, and seemingly quite fine by what you say, so my question for him is: Would he be ok if you were not involved with the diapers for the rest of his life? Can he stick to the diapers only when you are not around? Or can you arrange time to go out with your friends, and he do his things then?

You also brought up that you want him to dominate you. You state that the diapers change things and you will now never get your desires fulfilled. Why? What would he do if he came into the bedroom one day and you were tied down to the bed in a very naughty lingeria? Ignore you? I doubt it but I could be wrong. Have you tried simply being direct with him? "Tie/hold my arms down." I also doubt that your boyfriend is a complete submissive. From what you write I doubt you would have be satisfied at all for the 3 years of sexual activity if he were.

I get the sense that him finding diapers sexually arousing not only bothers you but has changed your perception of him. I think Prudie was correct in suggesting to see a therapist. Not because anything is actually wrong with you but because the therapist will help you understand why? How? and What? has changed about your perceptions. The therapist would also help you understand if your perceptions are resonable or perhaps off base. Remember, he has been doing this probably far longer then you have been together. He suddenly changes 4 years into the relationship because of a fact that has been around longer then 4 years? I doubt it. Are you wrong for your perceptions to change? No, it is quite reasonable to change with each new piece of information that is received.

The end all, be all, is up to you. Is the diapers really too much? Do they explain so much about him that you always wondered? Does this essentially make him a little kid? Or: Is it just diapers when I am not around and he is the same exact person he was before he told me? Is he still an adult who works and plays like an adult? Ultimatly, it is up to you, and him. I would strongly advice before ending a 4 year relationship to talk to him, ask him question, get to know more about him. 4 years is a long time. Besides I think it would really suck big time if you ended it and years later found out that he only wore the diapers by himself 3 or so times a year for only and hour each time.

P.S. On an off topic note: The fact your letter was edited so much explains so much about 'missing' facts in other letters.

****strides off, notebook in hand to plan SHADDAP.....*

Fake or real, if I didn't at least pretend some of these were real, whom would I play with?

Fake or real,the details may inspire a more empathy. In fact the essential elements remain the same. Is continued and developing interest in this fetish going to change LW's feelings for her boyfriend fundamentally whether she participates or not? Not a question that can really be answered by anyone else for her.

Well I can certainly see why your letter was shortened. Apparently succinct is not in your vocabulary.

trina1104:

To my knowledge he has only actually worn a diaper once. He just showed up to see me one night wearing one and let me discover it on my own as I undressed him.

I'd qualify that with "once around you". Given his interest, I doubt that was the first and only time.

trina1104:

I’d never heard of a diaper fetish before,

Obviously you're not a reader of Dan Savage's Savage Love column..... I suggest you google it and read through it. He gives advice regarding sexual matters. The diaper thing has come up a couple of times in the eight years or so that he's been around.

trina1104:

It would also go directly against my only sexual fantasy, which is the only request I’ve ever made in the bedroom, and that is that he would take control and be forceful and make the moves first for a change.

You only have one sexual fantasy? Hmm. Why should you get your fantasy filled 100% of the time, and he should his filled 0% of the time? This is hardly the path to a happy sex life in the years to come. If you can't play fair because his fantasy is so repulsive to you, then you should break up now because years from now it's simply going to lead to simmering resentment.

trina1104:

You seem to understand all about kinky turn ons, but don’t you also realize that certain people have turn offs that are as deeply rooted in them as any fetish?

If you're truly that much in opposition, that means you are not sexually compatible and thus should break up. That's simply the way it is.

trina1104:

Haven’t any of you ever loved someone, friend/SO/or relative, who brought something up or did something so appalling to you that you had to re-evaluate things and totally redefine or even end your relationship?

Not sexually. The only thing that would do this for me is a desire for children. There are fetishes I think are icky, but nothing is so appalling that I would feel the person involved is a different person.

Anyways, I had more to say but I'm running late for an engagement.

Arguments over politics, art, religion, cinema, sports can often lead to a rousing collision of sexual energy (Ain't it great to be alive).

But a debate about your diaper bag is not in this category. If two consenting adults are into this, no fair no foul. If not. No dice.

Wellllll....ok. I still think it smells, though.

Put it this way...wouldn't it be a cool way to generate traffic on an otherwise slow weekend? Why yes, yes it would!

We're off to something called "Mayfest" tonight. It's a strictly Chicago thing. They block off Lincoln Avenue and set up a mini-Octoberfest with the whole beer and brats thing. Have I mentioned that Chicagoans drink a lot?