It seems to me that intent is everything here. If all he wants to do is wear them, then I don't see why this should be any more crushing to the sex life than the GF wearing sanitary napkins for a few days every month.

There are any number of ways in which a flexible couple could set reasonable ground rules. For instance: No handling -- she shouldn't have to buy them or dispose of them. No odors -- if he makes in his diaper, he should change it and clean himself promptly (like one does with a baby's diaper). Extra careful in bed -- if he wears one to sleep in, he wears pajamas over it, and no excretion at all. Limited contact during sex -- treat it like with a tampon in: hand is OK, but no mouth. All of these, of course, being adjustable to their own preferences.

If she's irremediably skeeved by the whole idea, then maybe they should break up, as so many have suggested. But if she wants to save this relationship, I'm just suggesting that a little perspective and a little flexibility could get them both to a certain level of mutual comfort and acceptance.

Who wants to put their hand on or in a diaper?

The purpose of tampons and sanitary napkins is to collect the uncontrollable bloodflow and dispose of it as quickly as possible- getting it away from body, clothes, etc. It's an attempt to control a biological process for sanitation reasons. If women could control the menstrual flow the way adults control their bladders, they would, and there would be no tampons or sanitary napkins.

An adult with bladder and bowel control wearing a diaper because he wants to is not attempting to control and quickly dispose of the waste, he is attempting to be helpless, not clean. And he is keeping the waste with (on) himself longer than usual, not trying to get it away as quickly as possible.

Also, blood is neither urine nor feces, and a tampon is structurally, as well as functionally different from a diaper because it is internal, not external.

And the part that makes this a fetish, the thing that makes him weird: he is choosing to do this. He wants to walk around in his own poopy. No woman wants to walk around with a pool of blood in her underwear, which is why tampons exist.

This comparison couldn't be more off base and is just another failed attempt to make this undeniably abnormal behavior into a normal behavior.

Seriously, there must be a lot of closeted freaks on the fray that this many people would come to Diaperman's defense!!!!

OMG, please tell me you did NOT just compare the uncontrollable menstrual bleeding of a grown woman who had clearly passed puberty to the lax-yet-very-controllable bowel habits of a grown man who fantasizes about being not just pre-pubescent, but infantilized. Please, I beg you tell me you didn't just do this...

Reread the letter! This woman is not only not interested in setting "reasonable ground rules" for incorporating diaper wearing into their sex life, she says- "I can't accept it, don't want to hear him speak of it, and don't want to think about it." I think she's making things about as clear as clear can be. She needs to move on.

Selene212,

There have been societies that exiled menstruating women to live apart from their family in a shed during that time of the month. Those people would be horrified at the sort of sick society like ours that doesn't have a problem with women walking around in public during their period. Everyone has a different definition of what's undeniably abnormal and what's not.

But just because I don't like X and I wouldn't do X doesn't mean that X is a pathology. I'm not saying you should tolerate a man in a diaper if you don't want to; absolutely it's the sort of incompatibility that could end a relationship. But the LW is writing in looking for advice about her relationship, and I'm giving it to her. She's free to reject those suggestions and to decide that this is a deal-breaker, and I won't fault her. I'm just trying to point out that that isn't her only alternative.

deduction:

Seriously, there must be a lot of closeted freaks on the fray that this many people would come to Diaperman's defense!!!!

I suspect that most of the people coming to his defense are uncloseted freaks. The closeted ones are arguing that he's a horrible person. After all, they don't want to sit in the closet by themselves. If other people can act on their sexual kinks, that makes the sacrifice that the closeted freaks are making less important.

Beautifully put, PG. I'd change your diaper anytime. ;-)

Just so long as you don't want to lick my toes, it's cool!

I wonder if the LW and her boyfriend is using the term fetish wrong. A fetish is "an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression" (Merriem-Webster). (Unfortunatly I don't have have the DSM4 here to look at what it says). Key word here is "necessary". If this man truly has a diaper fetish he will NEED a diaper to get sexual gratification. Now, he may have been making do with fantasies but I don't think that will last him forever. On the flip side, it may not be a fetish at all. He may like the idea and may be interrested in it but does not actually NEED it to have a gratifing sexual experience. I am curious as to what he actually told the LW. Did he state that he has always imagined him (or perhaps the LW) in a diaper whenever he climaxes? Or did he state that he would like to experiment, and has always wonder what it would be like but was afraid to ask her? It could be that it is the latter and when he did ask her she completely freaked out and now just assumes that he has a fetish. (Though, it is undeniable that he is a bit kinky and perhaps not in nice way either.)

bzl:

OMG, please tell me you did NOT just compare the uncontrollable menstrual bleeding of a grown woman who had clearly passed puberty to the lax-yet-very-controllable bowel habits of a grown man who fantasizes about being not just pre-pubescent, but infantilized. Please, I beg you tell me you didn't just do this...

I really don't think he is doing his business in them. If he were, she'd have noticed by now. If nothing else, poop stinks, and so does urine left alone for more than a few moments. I can't see she'd be with him for four years and not notice the smell, if he were using them for their intended purpose, and not jsut because he gets off on how they feel. Maybe he thinks they hide his erections or something.

I wouldn't find it a turn on, either, but I'd at least want to know how and why he uses them before I dumped a 4-year relationship. Since she refuses to think, discuss, etc. the issue, I think she just needs to take a hike. I suspect she'd have reacted the same way if he had announced he likes to wear lacy thongs at times. (Again, not a turn on for me, but many otherwise-normal people get off on that.)

PhysicsGirl:

I suspect that most of the people coming to his defense are uncloseted freaks.

For the record, I'm not. I just think to each his own; as long as it doesn't harm anyone else or involve minor children, he's entitled to his fetish. And she's entitled to reject him because of it.

I also am curious what actually was said. It changes everything.

PG- I should have stated uncloseted. Good catch.

TT- I'm pretty sure we are talking about modern society. You know, the one that isn't so misogynstic. The reasons that women in older society's had to deal with temporary expulsion during that time on the month varied. Some because they thought it was unclean, some because they thought the woman was vulnerable, some because they thought that it was a time for special meditation, we can go on...

But Selene's post pointed out that it was about voluntary v. involuntary functions of biology and she also pointed out how our revulsion of merde is mirrored in nature. However, in nature when the female is "in heat", the male of the species gets excited. Seriously, not comparable and you would do better to steer clear from that aspect of your argument.

The point is that you and PG both try and present options to this issue, when it's not about options for most women, I'd wager. Either you're open to it or you're not. She obviously is not. Many of us wouldn't be.

There has been pills that reduce a period to 4 times a year for several years now. Just recently they've introduced a pill that will stop periods completely. Many women have stopped their period all together. Many other women have said that, believe it or not, they would feel lost without their period and so they don't want to stop it.

I don't think the voluntary vs involuntary is so clear as you'd like to make it out to be.

.....a woman does not wear a sanitary pad for sexual pleasure or arousal. It's housekeeping. The diaper thing is about getting off. It's not about using it as a sometimes neccesary medical product. It's to get his rocks off.

Immense difference.