Among the promises and vows my wife and I made to each other 27 years ago, I do not remember hearing "And I have the right to discontinue all sexual activity (including touching, fondling, caressing, oral sex, and sleeping naked) at any time for any reason without explanation."

Ten years ago my lovely wife, for G~d only knows what reason, discontinued sex. It took a couple of weeks for me to catch on, but then it was "OK, I'll try harder." A couple of weeks after that it was "Oh, I've been working hard, I'm tired." And so it went. It's now been ten years. At first there was some physical interactivity - a pat, a squeeze, a quick fondle - but for the last year, any amorous intent on my part has been met with a fierce anti-reaction.

I didn't sign on for this. She won't agree to counseling, just "I'll try harder," which is unadulterated BS. She's a wonderful person otherwise. I've been married before, so I know that dissolving this relationship is not worth the pain of divorce. At one point, about a year ago, I even said, "I won't embarrass you by sleeping with your friends, but I think you have forfeited the right to have any say about how my sexual interests are channeled." You guessed it: "I'm sorry, I'll try harder."

OK: you're the bright one, you're the author with a column. You tell me - what now?

I'm just a nobody but here is my advise;

First drop the assumption that 'she's a wonderful person otherwise'.

A person in a marriage that is NOT willing to go to counseling when their mate ask them to is by definition NOT a 'wonderful person'.

Instead this is a very selfish and it appears bitter person.

Of course maybe you have done things you are NOT saying that explains her behavior, but IF NOT than you need to DEMAND that she go to counseling.

Also is she aware you are NOT willing to divorce? If YES, buddy you gave away all your cards and she is taking advantage of this.

Ok, first off..I'm a married woman, married 12 years, and in a normal loving relationship that is JUST NOT NORMAL.

Second, haven't you asked her what's wrong? I mean WHY she doesn't want to have sex at all. Because, I'll try harder seems F-ing WEAK. Making love to your husband shouldn't, as a rule, be something that have to "try" to do. It should be something wonderful that you can't seem to find enough time to do.

And quite frankly, I'd bring pressure to bear via family or something..if she's not answering you that doesn't automatically give her the right to ruin your life by passive-aggression.

Wow. What a tough place to be in!

I hope you can somehow find a way to find a common language to talk about it with her. Something has clearly happened, and the reason is deeply embedded in her silence, her distance and her "Sorry, I'll try harder."

I know this sounds weird but it may not have anything to do with you. It may be something that has a longer historical issue and has raised the fear to such a point that she risks losing everything because she cannot make a connection and reach for help.

I hope you will insist on counseling - of some kind. If not couples, then private counseling. Maybe if she can build a safe container to place some of her fears and memories/experiences in she can join you in a conversation.

You do deserve a caring and devoted companion after 27 years!! You both do! There are so many ways to convey care, love, affection and tenderness. I hope you both find your way back.

Forget counseling. Your wife should see an endocrinologist -- sooner rather than later. Her health may be at more risk than your relationship.

Well good luck with that. I've been married for 17 years. I haven't had sex in 6+ months and though I know that's not forever I am seriously considering stepping out. My husband will not get counseling, he has emotional and mental problems which have escalated in the past year. I have tried to get him to seek help, I've begged, I've emailed, I have written letters, I have been as supportive as I can be-no good. Asking his family for help will not work as he really has no relationship with them and I am pretty much through. I don't want a divorce because I would lose my beloved house and farm-shallow-yeah maybe but there it is. I don't think an affair in a marriage is that big a deal-don't Europeans do this without divorce? I mean a discrete connection with another person isn't the end of the world and why should it break up a marriage? No, monogamy isn't going to save the world. King Charles II of England had something like 12 bastards, he was very good to all of them financially and many very wealthy people in England today can in the paraphrazed words of PG Wodehouse trace their money to an ancestress who was overly friendly with the king. I still care about my husband but he won't have sex, won't get help, won't talk to me, my head's already left and I guess my body will be close behind. Regretfully,

Why do people assume rabbimedic is to blame?

This is blatantly prejudice. Unless you mean that women somehow have less self-responsibility for their actions, in which case they deserve less authority over their actions.

Well? Well?

No, given that she entered into the marriage of her own consent without coercion, she is responsible for neglecting her duty and responsibility to her husband, period. That action alone is immoral, from a religiously based moral standpoint. It positions the other husband to suffer and perhaps fall into temptations which are themselves immoral.

Her exceptions might be that she suffers from medical ailments or severe mental disorder, such as depression. But aside from health restrictions, emotional complaints are unacceptable as an excuse.

That being said, moral, responsible, caring people seek counseling to heal emotional injuries or rifts (or seek personal counseling to resolve deep personal problems such as childhood sexual abuse), resume sexual relations, or end the marriage regardless of the consequences to house, home, kids.

She should be counseled to pursue these 3 options. Continued down her path of marital celibacy is immoral.

May God help them find a peaceful and fair resolution.

away:

Well good luck with that. I've been married for 17 years. I haven't had sex in 6+ months and though I know that's not forever I am seriously considering stepping out. My husband will not get counseling, he has emotional and mental problems which have escalated in the past year. I have tried to get him to seek help, I've begged, I've emailed, I have written letters, I have been as supportive as I can be-no good. Asking his family for help will not work as he really has no relationship with them and I am pretty much through. I don't want a divorce because I would lose my beloved house and farm-shallow-yeah maybe but there it is. I don't think an affair in a marriage is that big a deal-don't Europeans do this without divorce? I mean a discrete connection with another person isn't the end of the world and why should it break up a marriage? No, monogamy isn't going to save the world. King Charles II of England had something like 12 bastards, he was very good to all of them financially and many very wealthy people in England today can in the paraphrazed words of PG Wodehouse trace their money to an ancestress who was overly friendly with the king. I still care about my husband but he won't have sex, won't get help, won't talk to me, my head's already left and I guess my body will be close behind. Regretfully,

Away, do NOT commmit adultery. It is WRONG. It is IMMORAL. And in many nations it is ILLEGAL. Even in a divorce proceeding, based on the state in which you live, it could cause you to suffer penalties in terms of a divorce decree from a court.

A divorce IS the correct resolution to your plight. You should consult an attorney. Perhaps there are legal rights in which you can claim your husband's celibacy has 'injuried' you. YES, many legal statutes recognize celibacy in marriage to be an "injury". This might open the door to either HIM waking up from his coma, or you can continue with divorce proceedings. He might realize you are serious and seek counseling or turn around his ways, or he might just settle with you out of court.

In any case:

DO THE RIGHT THING- do NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.

Even if you do not believe in God who condemns adultery, your own conscience is at stake, your reputation in your community and with your family, and even a divorce court might hold you in contemptous immoral standing.

jazzguitarman wrote: ".............Also is she aware you are NOT willing to divorce? If YES, buddy you gave away all your cards and she is taking advantage of this."

Yes, she is taking advantage of him not being willing to shoot himself in the foot. Men always lose in divorce (unless they have most of their net worth hidden in a tax haven).

It appear you value having money over happyness. That is sad.

Hump around all you like, it won't make you feel a whole lot better. You'll undoubtedly learn a thing or two about yourself, most of it depressing. I know I did.

I approach this not from a perspective of morality, which is squishy at best, but pragmatism. Will it help? I know you need your ashes hauled like nobody's business, and feeling like you are attractive to no one in the world is absolutely awful. That said, in the long run, this will all feel quite hollow.

Ram your partner into therapy by any means necessary. Kick him/her out of the house if need be. Do it like your marriage depends on it. An imminent hanging does wonders to clear the mind.

Her problem might be medical--she might have, with menopause, began to suffer from low sex drive. If you two are having relationship/marital problems, then that could make it worse. You're not very specific about her response. If she actually only responds with those words, then she doesn't sound like she's comfortable discussing what the actual issue is.

No one can know the dynamic of your relationship just from your version of events. I suggest going to see a therapist to deal with your emotions--rejection, etc.--and to work them out. Perhaps, after some sessions, your therapist might suggest you bringing your wife in. Maybe she'd be more inclined to go if you set the example.

constructive abandonment...that's what they call it. Would you remain married if she physically left?

"Away, do NOT commmit adultery. It is WRONG. It is IMMORAL. And in many nations it is ILLEGAL. Even in a divorce proceeding, based on the state in which you live, it could cause you to suffer penalties in terms of a divorce decree from a court."

What century are you getting this from us? Like with Rabbi Medic, Away's hubby gave up any right to have a say in her sexual activities with or without a partner. I think you would be hard pressed to find a court in the real First world that would bother with the charge of adultry in a divorce proceeding.

Well. Maybe you're just not any good at it. So... you know.... talk to the hand. Or be one of those guys who gets in on the side and deal with whatever outcomes there are.

I'm betting she didn't agree to "have sex whenever my husband wants to, whether or not you want to" either.