As I was reading your article today, it got me to thinking about whether oral sex is more intimate than intercourse, and the way we talk about each.

I'm a heterosexual female. My friends and I will say, "I gave him a blowjob", but we say, "We had sex." There is a slight difference there. If I give someone something, then I have the power. If we share something, or have something together, we are on a level playing field. All of this is to say that from a female perspective, it is less intimate to "give" a guy a BJ than to have sex.

But, on the other side, for a guy to go down on me, now that is the most intimate of the BJ, intercourse, or cunnilingus. In this case, he is doing something to me (my friends and I don't think of it as giving, more as doing.) And, he is doing it in my most private area! I'm vulnerable to him, and he has the power.

When researchers talk about oral sex, I think there is a huge difference between giving & getting.

I go along with the distinction" I " gave, or" I " got, singular and selfish.

Compared to 'We"

You don't think, Didi100, that when a guy receives a BJ, he isn't also vulnerable?

Do you have any idea now painful an overenthusiastic nip can be on the ol' johnny?

Eating pussy, by comparison, is a wet, sloppy lovefest with little danger of sharp teeth nipping away at sensitive areas, unless, of course, it is requested.

Also, how vagicentric do you have to be to consider having a guy's face buried between your legs to be the most "intimate" experience along the BJ, intercourse and cunnilingus continuum? So I guess when you do have "regular" sex, seeing the expression of total unguardedness, complete submission and ultimate pleasure on your lover's face isn't intimate enough?

Man, I hope you chicks are just autisticly weird and not representative of the majority of women.

In my experience, women (and some men) find cunninglingus to be more "intimate" because it happens less often, and is introduced later in a lot of peoples' lives than fellatio.

When I was a teenager (late 90's/early 00's) all of my girlfriends and I gave head, it wasnt even a question. But very few of us had guys go down on us, and certainly not with any regularity (or skill!)

The typical teenager sex pattern was as follows: 1) kissing/making out, 2) groping around above the clothes, 3) then underneath them, 4 ) bj for the guy and 5) sex.

Cunninglingus just didnt happen nearly as often. Probably because girls are generally very self concious and shy about their bodies when they're young and just dont feel comfortable asking for it. Also, as related to me over the years by my guy friends - a lot of dudes were pretty scared of the whole thing. Its obviously a little trickier to go down on a woman and get her to climax than it is to give a dude a blow job. The mechanism isnt, shall we say, so self explanatory.

So for a lot of women, they didnt/dont experience good cunninglingus, on a regular basis, until later on in their 20's , maybe even 30's, when they settle down into long term relationships and feel comfortable enough with a partner to start demanding it, as well as being with a guy old enough to know his way around a pussy a little better. Not to mention being more comfortable in their own bodies, allowing for them to relax enough to actually enjoy it fully.

Accordingly - while a bj for a dude seems like old hat and not a big deal - cunninglingus seems more intimate and "special" because of the fair amount of novelty still attached to it for a lot of women.

Obviously this isnt universal. Some guys love to do it early on and are proficient at it. Some girls arent self concious at all and are more open to it at a young age. Whatever. There are a ton of variables. But my above description is a pattern that Ive noted among people I know.

So it sounds less like an "intimacy" issue as one of unfamiliarity and double standards.

Women should demand, at a minimum, equal time with a guy's head between their legs as they spend with their heads between a guy's legs.

In fact, if I were female, I would open my legs and demand the guy get me wet first before I even thought of handling his tool.

It saddens me that females are not raised to put their sexual pleasure first because they are the ones who control the access and have the power. Men, by comparison, are stupid, direct creatures who get off as easily as sneezing.

It saddens me too. I was shocked to find out as a teenager that I couldnt simply have intercourse and climax within several minutes as was indicated to me from porn & Hollywood movies.

Later, I was pissed off that I gave a spankin good blow job but had trouble finding a dude who had any clue what to do to me in return. Sure, there were those who were eager enough - but skilled? Or able to actually follow directions as to what would "do it for me"? Or willing to spend the 20+ minutes it often takes? Not so much. It took me almost 2 years into a long term relationship in college, and then a brief relationship with a much older man when I was about 22, to full appreciate what oral sex could "do for me" - if done properly.

I think as much as women need to be raised to understand and appreciate their sexuality - men need a little more awareness about what they should be doing in order to ensure their SO's are climaxing. And its not, hey honey, feel my package, let me grab your boobs and pussy a bit, and hell I'll even give it a lick or two, and then skip right to the sex - with it all being over in 10 minutes.

I'm in general agreement with your post, but would add some things.

First, while most guys can have an orgasm from a blow job, not all bjs were created equally. Some are absolutely, fan-f**king-tastic, while others are pleasurable, but not all-that. Obviously there is an experience level for the giver. I've found that older women, and women who enjoy giving are much better at it. As I've gotten older, it is also easier for me to ask for the things that please me, creating a better expierence with my partner. My own knowlege of my body and my sexuality has increased my ability to experience pleasure.

That leads me to my second point. Young men tend to not be good at oral sex because of inexperience on both their part and their partner's part. Young women, even if they are okay with receving, are often uncomfortable asking for what they want. That's partly societal and partly youth. Some women like very direct clitoral contact, while others like you more around the area. Directness, speed, and style can all be different from woman to woman. Young women likely don't know what they really like, and are probably shy about directing their lover. Saying, 'do this' or 'dont do that' could be perceived as criticism, unromantic or even slutty, so young women stay quiet and accept poor or non-existant orgasms.

As a guy, you have to judge a woman's reactions to see what pleases her. Young men don't tend to have the patience to look for those reactions, substituting vigor for empathy, which may be a good way to get a guy off, but is rarely a way for a woman.

Thus, it always helps if your partner gives you some guidance. Since that is more rare with younger partners, the experience can often be lacking for both of you. I don't know how it is for young women, but men have quite a bit of performance pressure on them. While society says that women should be demure and virginal, it says that men should be experienced and good lovers. All of those Hollywood movies show the woman's passionate reaction to the good male lover, so if the woman doesn't enjoy the experience, it must be the guys fault; he sucks in bed, and not in a good way.

As a guy who has always been fascinated, turned on and enjoyed giving, it definitely took me time to learn how it all worked. I've often thought that it would have been great to have an older lover to teach me things, but like most of us, I fumbled my way through with equally inexperienced girls/women around my own age.