My sister - let's call her "Susan" - has a cousin who was born when my sister was around eight. Our Aunt gave the cousin the same name as my sister partly because of a deep bond that my Aunt and sister had developed before my Aunt had kids (they adored each other) and partly because the cousin looked identical to my sister as a newborn. (Feh. I thought they all looked alike anyway.) So it was a nice tribute and my sister was thrilled that our cousin was also given the name Susan.

Well the thrill was gone as soon as everyone in the family started calling my sister "Big Susan" and my cousin "Little Susan". My sister - now in her 40s - is still called "Big Susan" by the Aunt's family. She told me from childhood how much she hated it - that when she was an adolescent she was horrifically embarrased by it. It made her feel "gigantic and clumsy" and made her feel like "she looked like Big Ethel from the Archie comics". For my cousin's part, she was a petite blond who went well into her 20s being called "Little Susan" which sounded patronizing and infantalizing.

LW doesn't have the power to stop this naming, and should see it as an homage to her good taste, but for Christ's sake, she MUST put a stop to the "Big-Little" train wreck from Day 1. If they need to differentiate, use last initials and call them Susan A. and Susan B. But for the love of God and their fragile, nascent self-esteem, please. No Big-Little. Stop the Insanity!

Even when named after a parent or grandparent, "Jack Jr" even when his father's not there and he'd 50 or 60 years old would get tiresome.

What's wrong with "Susan" and "Suzy"? Or "Susan" and "Little Susan"? Still distinguishable. This is why I specifically ruled out any of the dozens of names my siblings, his siblings, and their families had. (13 aunts & uncles, their spouses, their 18-20 kids at the time, some with 2 middle names). My kids had exactly 2 cousins with the same first name, on different sides. Several shared middle names, though, but not with any of my kids.

There were some names already taken I'd like to have used, but didn't think it fair to my kids.

Agreed. Big and Little- especially for a young girl- can be very traumatizing.

I had a couple of younger kids from my church that ended up with my name. Only one of them was ever called Little Deduction, though, and that's because we were closer to their family. I was only called Big Deduction by LD's mother when she was talking to her family about me. And when I wasn't around (and as we grew older and I didn't see them very often), I think LD became simply Deduction, herself.

My mother gave me her nickname as my first name. Her family did do the big/little thing which annoyed her far more than it annoyed me. Of course, my mom is 6 inches and 100 lbs larger than me so I can see why she wouldn't like it too much....

Eventually they started calling her an even shorter version of her real name ... which means I can't use it as my nickname! Gah!

Yeah, I had an Aunt "Big" Carol and a cousin "Little" Carol. It became even more absurd when Little Carol finished growing and was above average height, while Big Carol never quite topped 5 feet.

My family likes to use the same names. John and Mike run rampant. But none of them have nicknames. We clarify which person we are talking about by naming one of thier parents, since they all have the same last names. Such as:

"Mike got a new car"

"which mike"

"Pete's Mike"

It takes alot of time but its probably better than causing lifelong self esteem issues.

I agree, the big/little or jr/sr thing is about bothersome. Another option is middle names. Call one of them by their middle name. Depending on how close the two friends are, I think the LW should approach her friend and explain her feelings. Not in a way that it comes off as "I picked the name first!" but more in a way that is respectful. Perhaps her friend never considered what to do when two "Susan"s are playing and you want to get only one of their attention.

Personally, I don't understand the LW's friend. I could never name a child I have after someone else I know. Every time I said the child's name I would think of the person who I named the child after. I know eventually I would think of my child at the sound of their name but at first.. Ugg..! Perhaps I'm too much into individuality but I would want my child's name to have no associations to me except that that name is my child's name. I realize that names will be shared but I would try my best to pick a name that I've never met someone having.

I've never understood when parents named their child after a really close relative, friend, or even one of the parents and then used the child's middle name to refer to, talk to, or call them, escentially replacing the first name with the middle. My thoughts in the situation is always: Why not have switched the names before the name was given to the child, thus getting rid of the whole problem?

We're friends with a family that has that problem. The core family is Italian and the spouses are evrything from Italian to French to American of mixed heritage. So far they've made it work by using slight variations (Vincent for one cousin, Vincenzio for the other, etc.), which is great for them when the kids are together, but when Vincent and Vincenzio both go to school, I think they're both going to end up being Vin or Vinny. And of course the previous generation is now losing their nicknames. Vinny was Vinny for 30+ years, until his brother named his son Vincent and started calling him Vinny.

One wife decided she had enough and named her second son a two part name previously unused (like Giancarlo). Now there have been two babies named Carlo and one named John. It's bad to say it, but it's getting laughable now. Family names are nice, but after a while it starts to get overwhelming. I guess it's easy in one way - Grandma only has to yell Vin and Carl to get all 6 grandkids in the house.

The question for you and Tilia is WHY do they like doing this? Tradition is a crap answer, to me. Because while I don't have a problem with people having traditions, I posit that it's unhealthy to get stuck in tradition for tradition's sake. It's one thing to have a great uncle pete who you adored and want to honor and remember. It's another to say "well, we've always done such and such." It's intellectually lazy and using that mentality, society doesn't change or grow. Would we still want to be living in caves and hunting and gathering? Well... would MOST of us? If one believes in growth and change in the world, why would one want less for one's family? I think if people thought about it from that perspective, they might consider a bit differently.

On a separate note, does anyone watch Desperate Housewives? Susan's baby name situation seemed beyond stupid to me. Easiest thing to do was as MistPanther suggested, make Maynard the middle name. Tradition is not a good enough reason to saddle a kid with a name they will hate and change as soon as they are able. And probably be wracked with guilt because of it.

My family has a Big Dick and Little Dick. Seriously.

Diosagreca: That is bad. It is funny and sad at the same time. I would hate to be one of those two. (I can just imagine how many times some idiot made a joke about the names)

Deduction: The idea actually came from my parents. My first name was going to be Melissa (after my mom's younger sister who died because of a reaction to some pain killers). But then my parents decided that they wanted me to have an original name, not after some family member, thus Melissa became my middle name.

On my mom's side of the family, according to the order of your birth, you will be named after which dead relative.

my ass.

I stopped that tradition real quick with the birth of my kids.

No, DON'T call your kid by his/her middle name. When you know what name you're going to call your kid by, then make it the first name. Trust me, blood will boil every time that child has to fill out a form asking for first name and middle initial. My brother and I were both called by our middle names and have always hated it. He says it's like wishing left-handedness on someone.

The Jews have the right answer: they don't name children after an ancestor who's still living, so there's no Herschel Jr. or Shlomo Jr.