Dan Savage has a nifty little observation. In heterosexual relationships, everything is the man's fault. If men cheat, it's because men suck. If women cheat, it's because men suck. If there's no sex because the woman doesn't want sex, it's a problem with the man. If there's no sex because the man doesn't want to, it's a problem with the man. Looking through the comments, I have to give Dan a hand.

Yeah exactly, i thought of savage too when i read through this stuff. If you're used to reading him, most other people start seeming real ignorant or simple minded.

Were all used to looking at the world through the lens of our own needs. No different here. What impacts us is noticed a lot more than what passes us by & impacts only other people.

True, but, the general advice for a man whose wife doesn't want sex (reasons unspecified) is that he needs to improve his hygiene, exercise more and go back to a dating strategy with a week of courtship for every single night of sex. Also, it's clear from the wife not wanting sex, he doesn't do enough housework or help with the kids.

If a woman has a husband who has lost interest in sex, it could be that he needs testerone shots, he could be clinically depressed and needs medication, or there is the possibility he's cheating on her.

I double dog dare you to switch the advice. Por exemplo:

Q: My husband has lost interst in sex.

A: Skip a meal and a rope.

And this goes across the gender spectrum. Female and male experts give this advice. Dan Savage is an exception.

Actually, Dan Savage is quite savage to "fatties" of both genders, as one would expect of a gay man who isn't part of the bear fancying sub-culture. But yeah, because he is pretty much gender neutral when it comes to advice (rather than partial to women, as many women [and men] expect gays to be), he is dismissed as sexist, as he has been elsewhere in this fray.

Twink chauvanist: given. Sexist? Who thinks Dan is sexist?

I scratch my head in befuddlement.

apropos1 thinks so:

"This explains a lot. His sh*t is pretty sexist at times. I wouldn't go so far as misogynist, but sexist...oh yeah.

It also explains why the guys here seem to think it's great. Maybe he and Dr. Laura should get together."

Well, I'm sure you know, if your out of shape, it eventully pays huge dividends to get into good physical condition, thats a big part of sex appeal. For both sexes. Improves your attitude too, those edorphins are a cool high. And the sudden friendliness of women you encounter ar the market etc, besides helping your attitude to life, could get your wife to rethink things. And if not, your options are still much improved when your fit.

Look out for your wifes health, like she probably looks out for yours. Diet is important. Mineral and vitamin shortages can drasticly change your wife's enjoyment of life & sex, magnesium and zinc are real important, deficiencies are chronic in women due in part their diet- ie, most zinc is in meat, mostly red meat, basicly none in fruits and veggies. Read up on the effects of not getting enough every day.

I guess no one wants to acknowledge that there is a difference in M/F sexual drives, the double standard reality demands. One Arab said they came up with four wives, because that's what it took to satisfy a young 18 y/o man in prime peak health 24/7. When we first married, when young, most guy's expected we would have sex morning and night, 24/7, no matter what, right? At least once every day. I sure did. Any interruption was deprivation.

There never seemed to be any significant prostitution in polygamous societies, but I never investigated the subject. I wonder if it really developed in a major way in monogamous societies to make them workable for the guys?

Now this is what I'm talking about. Not only is the data good, but nothing starts out as being anybody's fault or anybody else's burden.

As I am a fattie, I will start tracking my weight to get to a healthy BMI. Got any sites you can recommend to a beginner?

BTW, prostitution is rife in many polygamous societies because the multiple marriages were really about consolidation of family land. If some dude marries 80 or so wives, that means he's doing a land grab. So, to keep water rights, fertile land and mineral wealth from coming under one monopoly with dozens of sons from dozens of mothers killing each other to be the eldest, a limit is usually settled on. That also explains why polygamous cultures tend to highly value chastity and go in heavily for arranged marriages as the daughter is a potential link to another family.

I guess no one wants to acknowledge that there is a difference in M/F sexual drives, the double standard reality demands.

Noone who? There is a difference between individual sex drives regardless of gender. It has been highly reported that due to hormonal differences, men and women have different sexual peaks, as well. This has been and still is being studied, so you're being either obtuse or intellectually dishonest.

Re: This Savage guy. I've only recently heard of him. I'm actually not a big fan of snarky advice because I don't think it helps anyone other than the person the columnist is agreeing with. It doesn't provide reasonable debate to tell other people what they should and shouldn't do. I also don't believe there is a should or shouldn't. Just that certain actions will tend to provide certain results and people should be aware of such and live life accordingly.

I think that you are wrong about this perspective that everything is men's fault and that society approves such a view. While some people (men and women) bash on the other gender without cause, rational people don't do this. Why are you listening or caring about what irrational people say or do unless you are irrational yourself? If I hear someone state "all men do this or all women are like that", my bs meter immediately goes off and I know that the person is speaking from an emotional place instead of a rational place and I take what they have to say with a grain of salt.

I think perhaps your problem is that you give validity to the invalid by taking up issue with illogical arguments. the thing is that that makes your point invalid as well, because now YOU are the one coming from the emotional place.

just saying..

"other people what they should and shouldn't do. I also don't believe there is a should or shouldn't. Just that certain actions will tend to provide certain results and people should be aware of such and live life accordingly."

Dan Savage runs a sex advice column that is pretty pragmatic. He has from time to time switched pronouns from week to week and then observed the mail. So a gay couple has problems because one of them gains weight and the other in not attracted. He advises that they sit down and talk about the partners weight honestly and then work out together to get the spark going again. Then, for a laugh, he switches the pronouns and it's a fat man with a thin wife. Then he switches it again and it's a fat woman with a thin husband. He observes the volume and tone of the mail he gets, admittedly not scientific by most reasonable standards, and has noticed that the fat husband is crticized by male and female readers for gaining weight, and that the wife shouldn't out up with that at all, but the thin husband is only making things worse by talking to the wife about the issue at all and he should grow up and accept her the way she is.

Those are only anecdotal, sure, but then when you look at the pop culture advice, you can see that there is a tendency to treat the guy's impluses and contribution in a relationship as suspect.

As for illogic, your post was extended ad hominem without addressing the issue that the article discusses whymen cheat as being a problem with men, and the follow up article on why women cheat is about it being a problem with men.

Just saying...

I suggest going to the YMCA if your lucky enough to one have one close by. They are relaxed, modern and friendly, and provide free friendly trainers at the pool and weight room, exercise classes of different types, and access to their website and training programs, BMI calculator and more. Membership is about $40 a month, but they have reduced rates for students, seniors, and other special circumstances. Get a trainer and explain your circumstances and he/she will work out a individual program for you, and help you along.

Glad to see you were just fishing, and don't really have a problem (I hope) with your wife.

qbe9584:

BTW, prostitution is rife in many polygamous societies because the multiple marriages were really about consolidation of family land. If some dude marries 80 or so wives, that means he's doing a land grab. So, to keep water rights, fertile land and mineral wealth from coming under one monopoly with dozens of sons from dozens of mothers killing each other to be the eldest, a limit is usually settled on. That also explains why polygamous cultures tend to highly value chastity and go in heavily for arranged marriages as the daughter is a potential link to another family.

Really? Too bad. The Arab culture seems to less than ideal, but now that I think about it they must have lots of bachelors looking for foreign wives. Polygamy is hard on both sons and daughters it looks like. No family systems seem to be without problems. The only thing worse is no system at all. To any readers, I was not advocating polygamy, just rambling, a way to bring up that word prostitution <g>.