Dear Girlfriend of Diaper Boy,

Dump him because he's an idiot. Even if you think his chosen fetish is A-OK (which practically no one does), he has a serious problem. The problem isn't that diapers turn him on, the problem is that it is important enough to him that he felt compelled to tell you about it even though he had to know that it would squick you out, you being, ya know, normal. Maybe I have, in the past, enjoyed touching myself with oven mitts, playing naked slip and slide or some sexy game involving role playing with stuffed animals (or whatever other odd but essentially harmless practice you can think of). It's not a problem unless I feel like I have to do it to get satisfaction, and therefore, I have to tell my significant other about my unusual proclivities. If that is the case, I am just a freak. As is your boyfriend. A freak and an idiot. (Please note that nothing in this post is autobiographical. I was just illustrating a point hypothetically and further, had no intention of offending people with oven mitt fetishes, even though you are freaks.)

That wasn't very concise was it? Okay, let's make this one short.

Dear Miss Unmarried and embarrassed at odd family rituals,

Your boyfriend's brother's fiance (and, by extension, her entire family) are idiots. If they want to torture each other with humiliation rituals, fine, but they're involving in-laws' relatives in their idiocy. Don't humor them.

Dear Grandparent Would Be Tape Recorder,

Your parents are idiots. They don't see why you would want to do this? To preserve some family history? To have something meaningful to remember your grandparents by? Slap them. They are stupid. And then take the tape recorder over to the grandparents' house.

Dear Unusual Namer,

Get over yourself, because you are an idiot. First off, why are you giving your kids wierd names. Little Mugula and Shaquan will not be thanking you for the years of schoolyard torture they'll endure because of your self centered naming practices. As to the friend who is pissing you off? She's an idiot too, but only because she's compounding your idiocy with the stupid "unusual" names. You are selfish and snotty into the bargain. Naming a child after another person is generally considered an honor.

Couldn't agree with you more!!!

Re: the baby name thing. As someone who's done a lot of jobs requiring customer service over the years, i find the crazy names or crazy spelling of simple names to be the most frustrating thing for people on both ends of a business transaction. I've noticed that people with crazy names often get offended when people mispronounce their name as if it is something that everyone's heard of, instead of something that came out of their parent's imagination and has no basis in any language or phonetics system known on this planet. These people deal with this fact every time they have to make an appointment or get some information looked up. Every time they go to a new class, it requires an explanation to the teacher.

I wish people would worry more about teaching their children to be individual thinkers rather than giving them individual names.

Texwiz:

The problem isn't that diapers turn him on, the problem is that it is important enough to him that he felt compelled to tell you about it even though he had to know that it would squick you out, you being, ya know, normal.

No one is normal. If you can't tell your potential spouse about your sexual kinks, who can you tell?

You SHOULD tell them. You just shouldn't expect them to like them or agree with them. And depending on what they are, realize that they could be deal breakers.

Some hetero men like to cross dress. Does that mean that every woman they date should just accept this? Or can a woman say they aren't cool with it?. Do we not, in this day and age, get to CHOOSE what kind of partner we have?

The point was that the only reason you would feel that you had to tell your partner is because it surpasses fantasy and goes on to fetish. A fantasy is fun to think about and might be fun to fulfill, but you don't need it to have a happy relationship and you wouldn't feel compelled to talk about it. But if you did talk about it, you're not so married to the idea that it would be a deal breaker.

IF it's something you really want to act on that you can't get out of your mind, that defines something about you and who you can be in a relationship. And, yes, it limits who you can look to be in a happy relationship with, because you have to find someone who is on the same sort of page...

PhysicsGirl:

No one is normal.

I call bullshit. Of course some people are normal. If you want to debate what's acceptable in real terms, or what's generally considered acceptable by most people, or whether it matters to sensible people what others think of their habits or proclivities, or what the reasonable boundaries of normalcy are, I can get into discussions on those subjects. But the fact that you (or I) might resent the idea that others might judge us based on their concept of what is acceptable or normal does not negate the fact that the habits and proclivites of some individuals fall into (or don't) what would generally be considered common to most people within a given culture (ie. - they are "normal").

PhysicsGirl:

If you can't tell your potential spouse about your sexual kinks, who can you tell?

This, I agree with, but I still stand by my initial statement. The problem isn't that the behavior is kinky. It's that the behavior seems to be central to his being. It's not just a fantasy or a fun thing he might like to do, it's a full blown fetish. Which, is, legitimately, an issue for a partner who doesn't share that particular kink. Also, I would posit that it is entirely legitimate to consider a person unbalanced if such a habit is that important to them. There are deeper psychological issues at work than just a personal clothing preference.

Am I being judgmental? Absolutely. Or, maybe I'm just expressing an opinion. But if someone else has no objection to such behaviors in their significant others, I'm perfectly happy to let them go about their personal business without comment. People are entitled to be happy however they find they can. But I know what I'd do in this situation.

deduction:

I've noticed that people with crazy names often get offended when people mispronounce their name as if it is something that everyone's heard of, instead of something that came out of their parent's imagination and has no basis in any language or phonetics system known on this planet.

Oh yeah, I have met these people. Fortunately, some of them are perfectly sensible, and they understand that not everyone's going to get it right.

Even some people with relatively normal names get bent out of shape at having their name mispronounced. Like the girl named Tonya, who gets pissed when someone calls her Tanya, with an "a" instead of an "o". The real problem is that they take it personally instead of realizing that everybody isn't really devoting much time to parsing the proper pronunciation of their name.

As to the parents who give wierd names, I'll just say it straight out. It is narcissism. They think that people will think that they are original and clever, and usually, people actually think they are screwy and dumb.

Texwiz:

PhysicsGirl:

No one is normal.

I call bullshit. Of course some people are normal.

If every single trait you have fell within the norm, you'd be completely normal ... but that in and of itself wouldn't be normal. Everyone has some trait which falls outside the norm. It's a statistical certainty. So, no one is normal.

Texwiz:

It's not just a fantasy or a fun thing he might like to do, it's a full blown fetish. Which, is, legitimately, an issue for a partner who doesn't share that particular kink.

Certainly it can be, which is why it should be discussed. You seemed to be of the opinion that a person with a fetish shouldn't talk about it at all. That is unhealthy and will lead to problems. If they discuss it like rational adults, and she decides that it is a deal breaker that is fine. But she doesn't need to do so in a psychologically damanging manner. How likely do you think it is that he's going to share his fetish with the next woman he dates? Probably unlikely. Which means it may come out after ten years of marriage and two kids....

Texwiz:

Also, I would posit that it is entirely legitimate to consider a person unbalanced if such a habit is that important to them.

If a person truly is unbalanced, you wouldn't have to date them for four years to figure it out. If they merely have a fetish that is outside the norm but can function otherwise, I'd have say that calling them unbalanced is a bit extreme.

My daughter and I answer "close enough" if it isn't someone we'll be around a long time or written for a legal document. The other two have normal, fairly common, correctly spelled, phonetic, even Biblical names, that no one ever gets right for spelling or pronunciation. Even at church, which is odd, especially when they'd be talking about the people with the same names as my kids. It bothers one, but not the other.

I'm all about the close enough. The only time I was bothered was when I worked a job for over 6 months and at the end of the 6 months the guy still was getting my name wrong- even though he had heard other people say it correctly in front of him and had seen it spelled out!!!

The first time he did it, I thought I was only going to be there for a couple of weeks and said "close enough". But after 6 months, I had to consider it not only intellectually lazy, but also a bit disrespectful. (and no, we weren't friendly enough for him to just consider it a nickname. He really acted as if it were my name.)

"If every single trait you have fell within the norm, you'd be completely normal ... but that in and of itself wouldn't be normal. Everyone has some trait which falls outside the norm. It's a statistical certainty. So, no one is normal."

If everyone had a trait that falls outside the norm, then the norm is to have a trait that falls outside the norm... thus normal. Or, it is normal to have idiosyncrasies.

However the question here is, should I continue in a relationship where I have difficulty in accepting someone with their personal oddity. This one seems harmless to me, as long as he has no intention of use. (unless there is a real incontinence problem.) Good grief, it he wants to walk around looking like he's gained 10-20 lbs, well he can.

PhysicsGirl:

If every single trait you have fell within the norm, you'd be completely normal ... but that in and of itself wouldn't be normal. Everyone has some trait which falls outside the norm. It's a statistical certainty. So, no one is normal.

You make a good point. I concede, that, in an absolute sense, no one is normal. So, provisionally, I call bullshit on myself. However, within the context of this discussion, that is to say, within the realm of the sartorial and sexual, diaper wearing by adults is unequivocally not normal.

PhysicsGirl:

You seemed to be of the opinion that a person with a fetish shouldn't talk about it at all. That is unhealthy and will lead to problems. If they discuss it like rational adults, and she decides that it is a deal breaker that is fine. But she doesn't need to do so in a psychologically damanging manner.

That's not really what I intended to convey. I do think a person should be upfront (at the beginning) about what they like and what they expect in a relationship, especially when it is something that is clearly not considered normal or acceptable by the majority of people. You're point about the next relationship where his secret comes out after ten years and some kids is exactly right. He should have told her long before they got to the four year mark. For his next relationship, if it is his opinion that what he does is perfectly acceptable and harmless, he should still recognize that it's not something most people are willing to accept. Somewhere, surely there's a support group he can go to where he can find an accomodating person.

PhysicsGirl:

If a person truly is unbalanced, you wouldn't have to date them for four years to figure it out. If they merely have a fetish that is outside the norm but can function otherwise, I'd have say that calling them unbalanced is a bit extreme.

That's the thing with these letters. There is so much left untold. In my experience, lots of people say "oh he/she is perfectly dandy, except for the fact that a.they hit me when they get angry, b. they are unusually attached to their mothers, c. they like to wear diapers, d. they have tattoos on their face, e. insert whatever type of behavior you can think of" but in actuality, there are often large chunks of the relationship that are twisted, dysfunctional or lacking in important ways. But unless you live in or close to that situation, it's really hard to say if that's true. (BTW, no, I'm not intending to compare wife beaters with diaper wearers)

I know that, for myself, I would not want to be involved with someone who has a serious sexual fetish, not because of the fetish itself, or any kind of prudery, but because I don't want to be seriously romantically involved with someone who has the deeper psychological issues that tend to go with those habits. Call me a freak if you want to, but I'm relatively normal and stable and I wouldn't want to be paired with someone who's not.

Fortunately, there's someone for everyone. Just because a person is not my cup of tea doesn't mean they don't deserve whatever shot at happiness they have. Some people would consider me hopelessly unadventurous because I don't want to explore blow up rubber dolls, PVC body suits or my secret shoe fetish. To them, I'm the freak. Which is fine with me.

If a person truly is unbalanced, you wouldn't have to date them for four years to figure it out.

And how many people are in relationships or even married to people who end up being murderers or child molesters or rapists?

A person with a fetish can talk about it. To a therapist! If it's something they need to act on, then they should tell it to their partner to see if they will be understanding or accomodating. If it's not something they need to act on, but they feel compelled to tell it to someone, well that's what friends and therapists are for. I don't believe that there are no secrets in a good relationship. Some things don't need to be talked about. But there's a difference between not sharing something because it has little importance to the relationship and hiding something because you fear it will change the relationship. One is selfish, one is not.

Texwiz:

For his next relationship, if it is his opinion that what he does is perfectly acceptable and harmless, he should still recognize that it's not something most people are willing to accept. Somewhere, surely there's a support group he can go to where he can find an accomodating person.

Nice theory, but it won't work. Diaper fetishes are much more common among men than they are among women. A straight man with a diaper fetish has almost no chance of meeting a woman who shares his tastes and who is compatible in all the other ways that matter in a relationship. He might be able to find a woman who has a different fetish. If she's willing to indulge his fetish, and he's willing to indulge hers, they both win. Still, it's going to be an uphill battle. He'd have things a bit easier if he were gay (not to say things would be easy).

What if this guy isn't dead set on finding a woman who's willing to indulge his tastes? What if he just wants his girlfriend to let him put on a diaper once in a while when she's not around? What reasonably open-minded lover wouldn't be okay with that?

Texwiz:

I know that, for myself, I would not want to be involved with someone who has a serious sexual fetish, not because of the fetish itself, or any kind of prudery, but because I don't want to be seriously romantically involved with someone who has the deeper psychological issues that tend to go with those habits. Call me a freak if you want to, but I'm relatively normal and stable and I wouldn't want to be paired with someone who's not.

This is just ignorant. Sexual fetishes are not correlated with other "deeper psychological issues." Well, I guess there's one exception: people with sexual fetishes often have a history of getting rejected by closed-minded lovers. So they may have experienced more than their fair share of heartbreak. But aside from that, sexual fetishists are on average no weirder outside the bedroom than anyone else.

spiderpigscantfly:

What if he just wants his girlfriend to let him put on a diaper once in a while when she's not around? What reasonably open-minded lover wouldn't be okay with that?

The whole discussion boils down to this. She's isn't reasonably open-minded, because she refuses to permit him even to discuss this with her. If they were married, and she found a box of Depends in his closet, she'd probably have a fit.

It would seem after 4 yearrs that (a) she would have noticed the diapers at some point, if they were truly a fetish and not just something he enjoys, and (b) that he should have realized how open-minded she is not. I suspect that's why it took so long to bring it up.

spiderpigscantfly:

This is just ignorant. Sexual fetishes are not correlated with other "deeper psychological issues."

Spiderpigscantfly is correct. Sexual fetishes start because as the child is growing and their sexual identity is growing the object/activity became related to sex in some way. Take high heel shoe fetish. A man with this probably grew up looking at sexual imagery where the sexualized women were always wearing high heels. I would think fetishes were also treatable with behavior modification and operant conditioning. Not sure how well the therapy would work but it would probably help. Freud with all his "deep unseated issues with Mama" is long gone.

In fact a study was done where men were shown a pink boot and then a sexual image was flashed at them (very quickly). After I think about 2 one hour session the men started getting aroused at JUST the pink boots. Even months later some of the men were still responding to just the pink boots.