I am in my late twenties.

I am not married but I have been with the same girl for 7 years, with one or two breaks in between. I cheated once five years ago and told her about it afterwards; she forgave me.

I know part of the reason we are not yet married is that I am afraid I will not be able to be faithful. I love this woman very much but at times monogamy feels absolutely impossible.

I have only cheated that one time; the pain and shame afterward is something I NEVER want to experience again. But the fear of making a second mistake (especially when marital vows have been exchanged) weighs on me. At times, it feels that the only sure way to rid myself of the temptation will be to yield to it.

I have dated other women (both before our relationship and in between a break up) and have experienced the same thing: I simply cannot cease feeling a strong and compelling desire to be intimate with other women (both physically and emotionally).

I don't know what to do. I thought this was something I would "grow out of," but that, as yet, does not seem to be the case (and the Spitzer, Vitter, Clinton, etc. do little to encourage). I am considering ending my relationship with this woman so she can find happiness someplace else.

So yes, I can relate (somewhat) to the Weiss article.

From this man's perspective the desire to "spread seed" is not only powerful, it is, to some extent, debilitating.

In essence, men are pigs....but we don't want to be.

What it is, imo, men have more powerfull sex drives than women. One woman was just not enough when I was young, day in and day out - they wore out. Generally speaking, considering our biology, men should marry around age 30, women around the age of 20, and you get a good match sexually over the long haul, as you both run out of steam about the same time....

However on this forum you get called harsh names for suggesting men should marry younger women.

Women are pigs too, only we're more secretive about it.

What's the big deal about monogamy, anyway? Listen, Nome, I think you need to forgive yourself for wanting to bang other people. It's natural, it means you're alive...it's what you do with this data that is so important.

I, a card-carrying member of the Club of Women, have been an utter reprobate in all of my relationships. I try, Lord how I try, to be good and faithful, but thus far have not yet been able to be monogamous. I've had two serious, long-term relationships with men in my life - I'm currently married and was engaged to the other - and I have managed to cheat on them both. Mind you, I'm not proud of this at all, but I've come to accept that it's my nature. Screwing some other Joe fulfills my own needs, and if I'm careful and minimize the disease risk to my main partner, well, who cares? I love him as much as I did the night before, he'd be crushed if he knew, so what's the point of getting my angst on and telling him?

Frankly, I think the only difference between how men and women fool around has to do with the social consequences of it, which Emily Bazelon so articulately states in her story. She's absolutely dead on when she says that Hillary Clinton would have no career if she'd gotten it on with an intern in the oval office (well, that's not exactly how she said it), but Bill...? Because the consequences are much greater for us, I think we're more careful about covering our tracks.

Back to you, Nome: have you even discussed polyamory with your partner? Maybe it's time. Monogamy ain't for everyone, and dishonestly - even *I* will admit - is unsavory.

But I probably won't give up my lyin', cheatin' ways neither.

It is, at the very least, good to know that women deal with some of this sh*t too. As far as polyamory, it is really not an option. It is not just her (although I know she would not be into that), but me as well. I think monogamy is a good thing, I am just not sure if I can do it now. As to your other point, I think that women are judged more harshly for infidelity because they are supposed to be able to "control sexual impulses" better than men. This is probably a crock. But, on the other hand, I know a lot of women and none of them (even the hip/horny ones) obsess about sex the same way most men do (23 out of 24 hours a day). As for taking precautions, I don't doubt that women are far better at using protection than men.

Blueskies--you have it completely backwards. Neither my ex husband nor ANY of my ex boyfriends could ever keep up with me in the bedroom. Neither can my current boyfriend, though he enjoys trying. Truly, the best match is a late 30s/early 40s woman with a young 20s man. She can teach him how to love a woman, and he might even be able to keep up with her. Every woman I know agrees with me.

On the other hand, old men? Not worth it in the bedroom. Better hope you have money.

Also, the old "I'm controlled by my urges" crap? Grow a pair, for christs sake. I have often been tempted to cheat, but never have--because I respected my partner too much. If I wanted to sleep with different people, I was honest and ended the current relationship first. Everyone deserves that.

nome,

Being an adult is about suppressing urges and impulses, taking responsibility for the consequences of your actions (to yourself and others), and occasionally sucking it up to work to avoid the pitfalls and maintain your higher priorities.

So there may be hope for you yet. When you become a real adult, you may be able to restrain your impulses to cheat, and if you consider a loving, stable relationship in the long run to be something you really want more than you want to cheat, then you should. Diabetics and dieters watch their diet; we all get up every morning and go to work even when we don't want to; and adults who have decided that a stable partner is a real priority in their lives do not cheat.

Breaking up with your current girlfriend because of some fear that you may one day cheat on her is lame and sounds a lot more like a lame excuse for a bigger reason. If, instead, the truth is that you simply don't want to get married, or that a stable, long-term relationship with her is not a true, overriding priority of yours, then you owe her a frank and honest discussion about the issue so she can make up her own mind about whether a person who cannot commit to monogamy is worth the time and effort.

This may be the most sensible response I have heard. I agree with everything you say.

And yes, I know breaking up with someone because I fear eternal commitment is weak, lame, disgraceful, etc.

But I am an INTP that struggles making perminent decisions of any kind. I analyze everything I do and play out endless scenarios of events in my mind, but in the end I tend to make decisions impulsively.

Are we, as adults, responsible for our actions? Of course. I know this, and knowing it is what helps me refrain from making bad decisions. But while we can control our actions, we cannot control, at least to a full extent, how we feel. This is why I am unhappy.

And this is what I think many men struggle with, not actually cheating (although many do of course), but longing for "something" we want but cannot have.

It is a lie of course, but knowing that doesn't seem to change anything.