I hear of PLENTY of married men who tell their wives they don't want to have sex. Many of my women friends are constantly complaining that their husbands are too tired or too out of shape or would rather watch TV than have sex. There is a growing discrepancy between 30-40 something women who take care of their health and bodies and care about their appearances and the schlubby, overweight and, often, unhealthy husbands who don't. These are 2 career couples married 10-15 years with children.
Is the reason that women want to have affairs that their partners don't respect themselves or their wives enough to take care of themselves?

Gosh, I hate to be snarky but I just had to adjust your post below to be more reflective of reality. The sad fact of the matter is that these men you are talking about are not tired of sex, just sex with their wives. It isn't easy to get excited about the same old thing.

I hear of PLENTY of married men who tell their wives they don't want to have sex with them. Many of my women friends are constantly complaining that their husbands are too tired or too out of shape or would rather watch TV than have sex with them. There is a growing discrepancy between 30-40 something women who take care of their health and bodies and care about their appearances and the schlubby, overweight and, often, unhealthy husbands who don't (these are the husbands who don't have affairs, they see no need to keep themselves in shape if their only reward is to attract their wives). These are 2 career couples married 10-15 years with children.
Is the reason that women want to have affairs that their partners don't respect themselves or their wives enough to take care of themselves?

No, TJA--spend a little time on a mismatched libidos message board and you will find plenty of women complaining about their boyfriends and fiance's who no longer want sex. Some of these couples have been together for as short a time as 6 months. They don't seem to be men looking for it elsewhere, either.

Do men really have such short attention spans? Can a man who becomes disinterested in sex after only 6 months ever sustain a long term relationship, much less a marriage? Maybe it's because all men aren't irreversible horndogs, like society would like us to believe. Maybe some men JUST DON'T LIKE SEX, PERIOD.

I just wish we could get away from the stupid society induced vision of all men thinking about sex, all the time. Even men with high libidos who are getting NO sex from their wives find a way to control them and choose not to stray, another truth revealed when you simply look for it. Another truth is that many men who cheat are getting PLENTY of sex from their wives.

So the only real truth here is that people (men and women) who cheat are simply displaying a poor character, and are not the "victims" of high libido. Get over it.

Not only do you never hear of the many men who don't want to have sex, you never seem to hear about the countless women whose sex drives ramp up considerably as they get older. The only place you do hear about this sort of thing, is--if you're a woman--in the company of other women. It certainly doesn't exist as a commonplace cultural trope like the 'horny teenage boy' who is flying on hormones. But I know so many women who have hit their late thirties and describe themselves precisely in that way--they feel like horny teenage boys, almost in thrall to their hormones.

Otherwise, women cheat for all the obvious reasons--they crave novelty, the romance of the new, and there's nothing that makes a woman feel sexier than an ardent lover who is overjoyed to be sleeping with her--after so many years of marriage, that's rarely a husband's attitude. I don't really see how it is any different from the male experience the essay describes. I think the only real difference is the cultural taboo around female desire (and perhaps the fact that women are simply less willing to take risks--the pursuit of illicit sex is a much more complicated business for women--safety is a big concern). But the essay itself illustrates the way in which womens' lust is barely acknowledged in our culture. The writer puzzles endlessly over the question of 'illicit' desire, but when his wife brings up hers--and to me this was the most compelling moment of the story--the paragraph comes to an end. He simply doesn't go there; he shuts that side of the discussion down completely. To me, that was precisely the point where the discussion should have begun. In his piece, the writer basically accuses women of refusing to even broach this topic with men, but hasn't he just proven it to be the other way around?

No, relyc, men like the reputation of being a player. Horny or not, they talk about being horny. I know a few action-less big mouths that are too lazy to put the small effort required in sealing the deed. Dates, showering, putting beer down, peeling away from work or buddies, etc. Women, on the other hand, are raised wanting to be sexy and desired, and those two intertwine more than a man would be able to imagine. The actual act of having sex is more enjoyable for women too- duh, women get priority PLUS I think we know who's having more fun. We can time it if you'd like!

So men can talk all they want. They pass their peaks at 19 and leave the ladies hanging dry for another 6 years, and that's IF the couple is the same age. Women don't shout about being horny, they get in groups and complain and have esteem issues. And scornfully laugh when men talk about being horny.