Is it such an inconciveable notion that women cheat for the same reason men cheat, albeit with a feminine twist? The article claims men cheat because they desire:

1) sexual variety. Well of course. If you've only ever gone to one restaurant for one week for the last 5+ years, you're gonna crave a little variety, even if the restaurant is a 5 star. This holds true to both men and women.

2) a wish to reclaim captured youth. Now, this is perhaps not so true for women about recaptured youth, but it is similar in that it is about power and self-esteem. For women, I think it is more about body image. In this culture, sexually, I believe we really reduce women down to their physical apperance. Yes, yes, people can be attracted to each other for all different reasons, wakka wakka wakka, but sexually, looks have always been the predominant way to judge females.

So you take a female who is in a loving relationship. Chances are, she has always struggled with body image in some way shape or form. She knows her husband loves her; but does he love her because he thinks she is so attractive he can't keep his hands off her, or because she makes a mean casserole and held his hand during his dad's funeral?

I believe that at some point in their lives all women want to be treated like a piece of meat... sexually, at least. Yes, it's good to find someone who loves you for your full, complete self, but that's for a long term relationship, for marriage. An affair is raw evidence that you (as a female) are sexually desireable, that someone wants you so badly they would risk maybe their job, or their own marriage.

I mean, imagine the rush. Yeah, your husband loves you, but this man WANTS you. HAS to have you. Talk about the power. And who doesn't want power, especially sexually?

Of course, it could be so simple and broken down as women cheat for the same reason men cheat; a breakdown in communication. After all, we're all human, and regardless of gender we all have our failures and our struggles. Perhaps cheating is based not on gender, but on personality type... people who cannot adequately express themselves (things like boundaries, desires, dreams, emotions) are more likely to cheat.

As is the sterotype, men cannot easily talk about emotions, and women aren't very open about their own sexual desires. Even "Sex and the City," that beacon of female promiscuity and sexual freedom, demonstrated that these four women could walk the walk but failed to talk the talk. How many episodes were dedicated to them not being able to open up about what they wanted, their boundaries, what they wanted out of sex?

The caveat to the "raw evidence that you are sexually desireable" idea is that when two people come together who are not in a primary relationship (either one or both parties are "straying" from their primary relationship) there is so much stuff going on that it is FAR more complicated than (simply) evidence of either party's sexual desireability.

It's an ironic and occasionally troubling aspect of human nature that we can be partnered with the most intelligent, wonderful, polite, sexy, educated, good cooking-good sexing-well dressed person in the world and yet STILL desire validation from outside.

Perhaps if our culture were more open to validation, which does not necessarily have to be sexual but can come in many guises, we could begin to understand that the human need (which expresses itself very differently in people, with some having none to little desire for another partner and others struggling with it daily) does not have to mean the end of a relationship or marriage. It doesn't even need to mean SEX. But whatever it is that is driving people to find this validation needs to be explored.

Frankly, I think it has a lot to do with how needy Americans are in general, that instant gratification has become nearly a cultural right in the USA, and how little people understand about how hard it is to find peace and satisfaction. Most people look to the outside but true peace can only come from within (sorry for the cliche, but so it goes...)

Yes, it's good to find someone who loves you for your full, complete self, but that's for a long term relationship, for marriage. An affair is raw evidence that you (as a female) are sexually desireable, that someone wants you so badly they would risk maybe their job, or their own marriage.

From what I've seen, this is the same for men. Most people want to feel desirable for both body and soul (at least nowadays). The problem is that you probably should resolve such a need (which stems usually from insecurity) BEFORE you promise to love and remain faithful to someone forever. And for most people that means that you shouldn't be rushing to marry your high school sweetheart at 20 (for example). Find out who you are as a complete person, feel good about that and confident, and then find a partner who compliments you. Even so, search your heart and decide if you really want lifelong monogamy. Not everyone does. If you don't, don't waste your time getting married.

One issue is that people don't always get married for love. Many times they get married for security- knowing that their partner will actually be able to handle their affairs with no trouble if they get sick or being able to receive health benefits. Single people in long term committed relationships tend to have the same issues regarding benefits that gay couples do. I think we need to rethink how we do such things. We should be able to determine who we want on our insurance, who we want on our visitor's list at the hospital. It shouldn't be determined by old fashioned conventions that aren't relevant in 2008. That would reduce some of the marriages that shouldn't have taken place in the first place. I think the reason the divorce rate is so high is because people aren't smart about who and when they get married in the first place!

Agreed that people are not smart about who they get married to in the long run, but I believe that's because people don't THINK about the long run. I know very few people who get married for practical reasons like insurance. I believe most people get married for entirely unpractical reasons and think those reasons will last for 10, 20, 30 years.

For instance, I think sex is important in a longterm marriage, but some people seem to stake their entire relationship upon it. If the sex isn't great right off the bat, most of my girlfriends ride the guy off, or if he isn't their jaw-dropping "type." It doesn't matter if they have great conversations or if the guy is in a stable job. Just from my personal observations, people seem to think marriage should be exciting, stimulating, and sex-filled 24-7, instead of a roller coaster of good times, bad times, hard times, fun times.

Personally... I think affairs are mostly narcisstic (and I'm quantifying affairs as sex outside a monogamous relationship without the partner's consent.) All about satisfying MY need (sexual variety, youth recapturing, whathaveyou) over YOUR need (monogamy, trust, etc.)

I know of a few couples that got married out of necessity. I mean they were "in love" and said they'd probably get married eventually anyhow, but they sped up the process due to one of them needing health or dental insurance or a green card.

Whether it's due to a perceived "necessity" or due to a lack of forethought and a succumbing to that initial emotional rush- either way, i don't think it's the best prescription for a happy and lasting marriage.

I'd rather be too picky than settle and make both myself and my spouse miserable because we aren't compatible in the long term. Even your friends who write guys off too easily in your opinion, i don't see anything wrong with that as long as they take responsibility for the fact that they didn't give these guys half a chance. (Of course there's a difference with being uber picky and just being shallow. I get the feeling that you are hinting that they are closer to the latter in which case they are just approaching the idea of a relationship in an immature way in the first place. Which is still fine, imo, as long as they aren't looking to get married! )

It's hard to justify never giving a guy (or girl) a chance, though, and then complaining about how you can never find anyone. Of course , many people do just that!

Yes, but I think that kind of outlook, taking the time to notice more than the superficial aspects about the guy/girl takes maturity and a shift in perspective. Many people are not ready when they're very young, some even when they're aged, to be married. Western society doesn't necessitate marriage to gain status and wealth or repopulate the farm hands any longer, so if people have the choice, I'd prefer it if they didn't rush in and wait til maturity and experience have taken hold.

I think cheating also implies a state of immaturity. That's not an imperical statement, but, if you haven't the courage to communicate with your partner after breaking an agreement of fidelity or telling them about the desire for variety/new experiences/etc., then you haven't reached a state where you can shoulder the responsibilities of monogamy and the roller coaster of emotions it can take you on.

Great post hellcat, I just said the same thing in another thread.

Is monogamy synonymous will maturity? To not be monogamist is to be immature? I read some where else on this topic how other expressions of affection can outstrip physical sex in terms of emotional depth and significance. Many women & men have non sexual relationships with deep seated feelings outside of their marriage. Are they some how 'better' b/c they remain non sexual? I don't think so. Monogamy is not THE determining factor in a person's maturity....imo. If I found out my wife, I'm not married btw, had an emotionally charged non sexual relationship outside or marriage I would be more likely to walk than if she had a sexual 'flung'. Sex is NOT the end all many make it out to be.