Okay, I'll bite. Back in the insulated utopia of a small liberal arts college campus, my first sexual partner and soon-to-be husband suggested we have an "open" marriage. I agreed. It sounded so enlightened, so daring. But purely theoretical. 9 years and three children later, I still hadn't acted on it - primarily because of the biochemical effects of pregnancies, extended breastfeeding, occasional SSRI perscriptions, and my own negative body image. I was too fat and frumpy to have a fling! Who would want me? And who would want HIM? :-) Then I got a shock - my husband HAD been exercising his "rights" under the "open" clause all along - but in conjunction with ANOTHER clause that I hadn't even known existed, a "don't ask, don't tell" clause. And that "best friend" he'd had since college? Yep, his gay lover. I reacted with an understandably mixed storm of emotions, and set out to spend the sexual equity I felt I had earned. Many, many casual heterosexual male partners later, I found myself simultaneously giving up entirely on what I now realized had been an abusive, unloving marriage, and passionately in LOVE with one particular young man who asked me to pledge monogamy to him. And I did. And I'm happier than I've ever been. I still have moments of curiosity - what would it be like to be with THAT man, who's into some particular kink that my new love isn't, but I'm determined to leave it as a fantasy. I had my summer of wild abandon, been there, done that, got it out of my system. And so I was "faithful" initially out of lack of interest and low-self esteem, and I strayed out of pure unsatisfied lust, spite, self-destructive energy, and curiosity. And I have chosen to be monogamous now because I AM satisfied with what I have, and I'm too afraid that I'd hurt him and lose him if I took a dip in the promiscuity pool again. Add that to your dataset. :-)

I'm not sure it's fair to call your former relationship abuse when you chose it, you accepted it, and you ignored the tacit agreement.

That the relationship was abusive may not necessarily have been a consequence of its relative openness. The abuse may have taken any number of forms that weren't particularly germane to the question of sexual fidelity, and thus the OP didn't specify.

Thanks for the candor (and the great example -- just glad it had a happy ending for you). Funny, out of the half-dozen open relationships I've known about from friends, only one was a situation where the woman didn't get lied to and burned. My cheating ex tried to claim at one point during our breakup that we had an open relationship (never discussed and not true). It seems like it's a cover-up lie more than actual fact more often than not.

Right - thanks for pointing that out. The abusive facet of that marriage wasn't related to sex or sexuality. The abuse was verbal (name calling, insults, belittling), emotional ("I wish you'd been more effective in your suicide attempt"), and physical (barricading me in the house, taking away my keys and phone so I couldn't get help, bruising my arm, shaking and shoving me - I have a permanent protective order in place against him). If he'd been a NICER person, loving, I could have accepted, supported, and enjoyed being married to a bisexual man and adjusted to the brave new world I found myself in. I tried to. Toyed with the ideas of polyamory (he didn't want that), and ethical promiscuity (I found some of his actions highly unethical). In the end, I found that there was something better for me (and my children), and embraced it.

gadgetgirl02 -

There are "right" and "wrong" ways to have an open marriage. Polyamory, if it's done right, can apparently be a rewarding, satisfying and safe choice. But slapping an "open marriage" label on a poorly-managed, fractured monogamous one doesn't fix things. (obviously!)