I would venture that I'm a 'normal' woman by most standards. I'm in my thirties, middle class, caucasian, educated, happily married. Yes, I'm happily married to a really great guy who I love very much, but I have actually strayed. There is something compelling about the sexual kinetics of a new relationship, the chemistry, the overdose of all the feel good hormones that come with a new mutual attraction. When I got married I didn't amputate all the parts of me that enabled me to see and appreciate members of the opposite sex, and I continue to be perfectly capable of recognizing a new attraction. I don't feel unappreciated by my husband, he's very fond of me. I don't feel disempowered, I have a great deal of autonomy. I just love the variety, I am human no less than any man out there.

I feel like we've inherited a tradition based on formerly practical mores where female infidelity was more strictly censured because men were once the providers and wished to avoid the burden of raising offspring not their own. This eventually morphed into a mythology where women were depicted and made to believe that they didn't desire infidelity the way men did, in order to make women more managable as a sex. We were made to believe we were abnormal for having parallel desires all for originially practical reasons. In the end, we are all human, and I sincerely hope culture is reaching a point of critical mass where some of these calcified ideas are examined and discarded for the defunct and obsolete, unfounded traditions that they are. I am human.

So, I trust you and your husband communicate this since you are both human.

i find it strange that as a woman in her thirties you would say the following:

We were made to believe we were abnormal for having parallel desires all for originially practical reasons.

Who made you believe that? We live in post-Kinsey days where it is widely acknowledged that women actually (shocker!) have sex drives. I'm not much younger than you and I never felt that society was telling me that I wasn't allowed to have sexual desire. But cheating (in the sense that you lie to your spouse) is reprehensible in my book, not because of your desire but because you are breaking the trust that you have in your relationship. i don't see any excuse for that that isn't selfish. Now, if you "stray" with your spouse's approval, i don't consider that "cheating".

We have all kinds of thoughts and desires, but we choose whether or not to act on them. If you don't have that kind of self control then it's silly to commit to a monogamous relationship in the first place. And you are being dishonest and unfair to your spouse. And that goes for men and women in my book.

"I feel like we've inherited a tradition based on formerly practical mores where female infidelity was more strictly censured because men were once the providers and wished to avoid the burden of raising offspring not their own."

And yet again, we blame the men.

What I find fascinating is that females are just as protective of female sexuality as men, if not more so. I hear far more women throwing out "slut" as an insult than men. Could this be a product of male-induced society? Maybe.......... But how simplistic. And I, for one, don't totally believe it is an "unfounded" tradition. I believe monogamy, for the majority of people, makes a lot of sense in the long run. (Jealousy and betrayal are some of the uglier human emotions...)

I'm not at all surprised that there was a dog-pile on this poster. Women respond very negatively to the merest wisp of a possibility that normal, well-educated and thoughtful women might have extramarital sex, because statistically they're probably having sex with someone else's husband and that's a population set that includes the angered ladies' men. Not that these ladies' husbands are straying per se, but they're part of the pool of available partners for the "married and cruising for same" crowd. Let's face it, men will go for variety every time, especially if they think they won't get caught.

This loathing of their man's other partner(s) is a primal jealousy that I don't think we'll ever overcome. Even if we've given permission or have an ostensibly "open" marriage, the thought of it still rankles. But I've cheated, and I've been cheated on, and in the long run it really doesn't make much of a difference. In some respects I see it as a place to dump all of our feelings of being ignored, abused, manipulated and demeaned; instead of railing against the way women are treated in general, we focus on the things we want to see as really unforgiveable and for which we expect a lot of support. Of course you can get a gaggle of gals all riled up against infidelity! It's a lot harder to get people motivated to become activists against female genital mutilation or so-called 'honor' killings. I say look to our nearest relatives, the great apes. How do they behave in their social groups? Rarely do we find lifelong monogamy practiced... and if we were very, very honest with ourselves, we might be compelled to admit that modern coupling practices do not mesh well with traditional marriage forms. And before you start wailing "What about the children???" remember that having children is a choice about which we should be even MORE careful than in our choice of partners, not less so. There ought to be a form of marriage that doesn't compel the partners to sleep with one another but DOES compel them to parent their mutual children, just as there should be a marriage for people who choose to remain blissfully child-free. And GLBT partners should have both choices as well.

Anyway, I have to say that I have no beef with this poster and I commend her for her thoughtful and rational post. The ill-concealed rancor of the respondents, however, shows how little we really understand ourselves. Sounds like a few ladies aren't feeling totally secure in their own marriages.

student_on_the_rebound:

I believe monogamy, for the majority of people, makes a lot of sense in the long run. (Jealousy and betrayal are some of the uglier human emotions...)

As a quibble, betrayal isn't an emotion, but an act.

Meanwhile, I generally agree with the other two declarative statements: Monogamy makes a lot of sense, and jealousy is an ugly emotion, often leading to unpleasant behavior. That's why it would make sense to me that for most people, being generally happily married with an occasional furtive fling on the side makes more sense than either a series of shallow relationships or trying to do the "open marriage" thing.

Maybe there's something wrong and/or morally deficient with both of us, but your general attitude on this seems perfectly sensible to me.

Kudos to the OP for her bravery. Despite what some preach here, monogamy is not an uncontroversial practice. It's a habit with some merit and meaning, but a habit nonetheless.

This eventually morphed into a mythology where women were depicted and made to believe that they didn't desire infidelity the way men did, in order to make women more managable as a sex. We were made to believe we were abnormal for having parallel desires all for originially practical reasons. In the end, we are all human, and I sincerely hope culture is reaching a point of critical mass where some of these calcified ideas are examined and discarded for the defunct and obsolete, unfounded traditions that they are. I am human.

antiphobia, your definition of "human" seems to be a desire for infidelity. I think "human" entails a lot more than that.

At any rate, you also seem to justify your infidelity by saying it's nothing more than a parallel to men's infidelity. Maybe you and I don't travel in the same circles. The married men I know are no less faithful than the married women I know. I think it's bad form to justify your own behavior by generalizing about men.

Mary Ann

I say this will all respect and in all honesty: nothing in the world makes me feel as lucky as reading these posts.

I always knew I was rather fortunate in actually bagging such a hot girl, but sometimes I don't realize how rare it is to find a girl who is beautiful, smart, fun, and completely faithful. And every time I'm angry with her (which does happen, of course), it's always useful to get on-line and read stuff like this.

Nothing against you all, of course. I'm quite sure your men don't deserve anything better.

I am a man and as the first respondent here I feel the issue is honesty/trust. Why declare/commit to marriage knowing (as the OP implies) from the get go that you're going to cheat? Now, if both spouses can agree to the occassional fling that's fine with me and I think most of the other respondents as well. As to apes and the validity of monogamy in general, WTF? Honor killings? Let's stay on subject ok?

Munich:

I say this will all respect and in all honesty: nothing in the world makes me feel as lucky as reading these posts.

I always knew I was rather fortunate in actually bagging such a hot girl, but sometimes I don't realize how rare it is to find a girl who is beautiful, smart, fun, and completely faithful. And every time I'm angry with her (which does happen, of course), it's always useful to get on-line and read stuff like this.

Nothing against you all, of course. I'm quite sure your men don't deserve anything better.

Kudos to you, but your ego is showing.

wayhey1:

Kudos to you, but your ego is showing.

Perhaps my last line was un-called for, and obviously I don't know anyone on this site personally. But I'm being honest when I say a lot of these women make me realize how lucky I am.

The OP isn't "normal" by any stretch of the word.

She is chaotic, and utterly incapable of handling a relationship. Now that she's found a guy who she actually could settle down with.. oh no, she can't handle that, it's time to inject chaos to destabilize it.

Who injected the chaos? She did.

Who spun miles of yarns to justify her need to run around being chaotic? She did.

What's her ultimate goal? To run around whimsically satisfying emotions, or to nurture, maintain, and grow a loving relationship? She is wholly disrespectful of her husband, even inventing a way to define it as "his" fault - as if absolving herself of blame makes infidelity either appropriate or acceptable.

The OP is human - not because she cheats, but because she needs therapy and does not recognize it. This is not an uncommon or unusual situation. What is unusual is that America (and, to an extent, Slate) would rather glorify the action of cheating instead of discussing its long-term effects.

Judging the action as good or bad isn't the point - the point is to guide suggestion and recommendation by what's ultimately good for her as a person. Cheating isn't "OK" just because it can be done.. nothing happens in a vacuum.

Cheating is to an extent sociopathic (because you are a horrible person when you know you're causing pain to someone else and don't stop) and is nothing more than re-enacting trauma from the past. What, exactly, do you think caused the labeling of random high-risk encounters as a "good" thing in your brain? That's not the case with everyone.

What's the solution for people who find a rush of adrenaline when they cheat? Stop. Look, this isn't tough - you take out the garbage every day even though you don't want to. You have to make the conscious effort every day to choose long-term gain over short-term (ultimately fleeting) glee.

As a professional, educated, attractive female in my 30s, I understand the OP's stance completely, and I also understand the reaction.

So many women equate a partner having sex with someone else as the ultimate abuse of trust, but what they don't realize is that they're actually less concerned about "losing trust" than they are about losing face.

Your spouse could rip the head off of a small animal and you wouldn't make noises about leaving him. But the second the neighbors find out he found some nookie from a hotter woman, that's an attack on your ego.

Humiliation is far more "abusive" to women of a certain ilk than losing this imaginary trust. Become someone I didn't know you were and I can handle it, they seem to say. But make me think I'm not as attractive as someone else, and it's off with your nuts.