Because they can. The grass often looks greener and sometimes it really is. I had one affair during my first marriage and one during my much-better second marriage. Neither husband knows about it--at least as far as I know. Now in our late sixties, my husband and I no longer have intercourse, but we are emotionally close and that is okay. Neither of us has much desire anymore, and that is something of a relief at this stage of life.

I believe a more realistic, anonymous survey with a wider demographic would reveal a much higher percentage of unfaithful women. My personal experience and that of my peer group tells me this is a lot more common than men would like to think.

That's not very insightful.

What do you mean, "because you can?"

I can technically rob a bank, I can murder someone, I can leave my job and move to Alaska....but that doesn't mean I should, or will.

Can you be a little more specific?

"Phil portrays women mostly as enforcers of monogamy and domesticity, and men as caged libertines who daydream about boffing the nearest Hooters' waitress and on occasion actually do"

It is this portrayal of women that makes it harder for us to be honest about desires and daydreams. Men are not hoisted on to pedestals of good behavior so when they "fall" few are surprised, but women are idealized as the taming force in a marraige and when they "fall", many are scandalized.

Married women have affairs for the same reason men do - boredom, loneliness, distraction, pleasure...don't we all want to get away from our real lives every now and then? Women want good and exciting sex just as much as men do, we have just been told/trained/brow-beaten into not expressing that desire.

Put this discussion together with the discussion of Cherie Blair's book and a picture of idealized and desexualized woman appears...at the same time as non-married women are constantly being objectified! A loose loose situation for women.

A small % of the total woman who have affairs probably have them because

• They are addicted to to "being in love"
• They enjoy the "forbidden" aspect and risky side of an affair
• They don't know how to get out of the current bad marriage and subconciously hope that another relationship will provide that escape
• They are serial cheaters and not able to control themselves

But the more common reasons are probably

• loneliness
• lack of connection, attention, understanding, respect for and from their husband
• someone else is willing to provide some or all of what's missing in their marriage
• no sex or bad sex from their husband over a long period of time
• they want to recapture their youth, at least temporarily

Sounds suspiciously like the reasons that men cheat as well.

My reasons were d) all of the above.

"Sounds suspiciously like the reasons that men cheat as well."

AMEN. We are more alike than we would like to think.

Agreed. For me, it started out as a thrill - a way to feel alive after being dulled by years of routine and responsibility. Flirtation and chemistry finally crossed the line, and it was electric. In the beginning, it really was all physical, and it was empowering. Wives/mothers aren't supposed to admit to craving that. I felt... well, sort of alpha-male.

Now, it's much more complicated - many months later, we've fallen hard for each other. When we started, we were clear that we weren't looking for ways out of our marriages, replacements for our spouses. But our needs for each other aren't physical anymore, and it's scary to look into the future and ask "what's next". For us, these feelings are not "male" or "female", which has surprised me. The stereotypes of the man being in it for a quick lay, or the woman looking for a deeper emotional connection don't seem to exist for us. He is just as likely to write a sappy love note as I am to show up for a quick shag.

(From a purely comedic standpoint... adultery is a logistical nightmare. Next time I hear a story about a man having two families for 20 years? I'm buying him a drink, because I don't know how he does it.)

Didn't you feel bad? Doesn't anyone care about the heartbreak you'd be causing the person you're cheating on? Or are we adversarial in our relationships? Again...how selfish are we? Doesn't anyone care about the feelings of anyone else anymore?

wistful1,

I don't intend to belittle you (no, I really don't), but I wish I could find the words to express to you just how MUNDANE your big thrill is.

I'll make a rather ugly admission: There was a period of my life, quite a few years ago, when I made a habit of seducing and sleeping with married women (I won't go into the reasons, and now I'm very much NOT proud about being so cavalier with other people's feelings).

....And, it's exactly the same for SO MANY (I might say maybe even all) married women. Indeed, during that time I eschewed single women--they were boring compared to married women.

A much more interesting question is: why is married love virtually NEVER like your hot stuff with your illicit lover? Of course, one obvious reason is that we all feel TOO MUCH controlled in our lives--and there's a large part of us that wants to hump like bedeviled wild animals; a desire that seems to EVAPORATE once we make a promise of exclusivity.

The only way to get that wild passion in a committed relationship is to deepen the feelings and connection--it's puzzling that most people simply don't choose to do that.

The only way to get that wild passion in a committed relationship is to deepen the feelings and connection--it's puzzling that most people simply don't choose to do that.

Hmm. Don't you think it has to do with fear? Fear of not being loved as much in return. Fear of completely opening up to a person who will leave you one day, whether through their own will or due to death. Fear causes most of the problems of the world.

deduction:

The only way to get that wild passion in a committed relationship is to deepen the feelings and connection--it's puzzling that most people simply don't choose to do that.

Hmm. Don't you think it has to do with fear? Fear of not being loved as much in return. Fear of completely opening up to a person who will leave you one day, whether through their own will or due to death. Fear causes most of the problems of the world.

Absolutely! There's no way to come closer to someone except through vulnerability.

I would definitely say that one grevious fault of western culture is that we are raised to be emotional cowards. This is very subtle--we like to think of ourselves as BRAVE....but the truth is different.

To connect this to other points I've been making on this forum: Very much, the FLAVOR of feminism includes a strong element of RESISTANCE to vulnerability of women to men. It's implied that vulnerability to men is the cause of all of women's problems. Sure, maybe the idea starting out being exclusive to ECONOMICS...but it quickly morphed into all aspects of inter-gender relationships. All hail insularity!

StevieN,

I could DIAGNOSE you in ten seconds if you would like some INSIGHT into your behavior. Just feel FREE to ask.

mercadia,

Please do. I've never had my behavior "diagnosed" by a psychopath. I'm sure it will be illuminating (in one way or another).

Only...you're not going to tell me how you want me DEAD, again...are you?

StevieN,

That's the funny thing about egomaniacal sociopaths--they're not really in the position to diagnose others (and they clearly don't know the definition of the word "psychopath").

Maybe go buy that dictionary? Arrogance despite intelligence is a clear sign of a personality disorder....maybe you can cure yourself...but I'm assuming that, at your age, it's probably a waste of effort. You know what they say about old dogs and new tricks and such.

Still waiting...

I'd like to be analyzed by someone as BELOVED by all around her, as you are. Really, you're just a magnet of love--how do you do it?

I think everyone is drawn by your extreme (and, obviously, superior) intelligence. Whaddya you think?