Ellen Tarlin's third paragraph litany of various reasons is the inevitable heart of this discussion. She lists roughly a dozen different reasons, and that's pretty accurate (I'd guess, anyway, as I am decidedly male). I get irritated whenever people say the "women" do (insert behavior), because (insert reason), as if women were some monolithic entity, marching in emotional lockstep, etc. Likewise when people say the same about what "men" do, as if we're all alike and do things forthe same reasons.

So what's left to discuss? Why did Tim Noah bring this up in the first place?

Probably because the conventional thinking is pretty doggone anti-male. It goes like this.

Men cheat because, they are horny dogs. Maybe it's evolutionary, or maybe its the training they get from all the older horny dogs.

Women, on the other hand, cheat because they are lonely and unfulfilled within their relationship.

Now, granted, I know that the behavioral scientists seriously studying subjects like this don't think in such simplistic terms, but I think the general feelings of most people outside of academia run along these general lines.

I look forward to the discussion.

Agreed.

There is no doubt a healthy dose of douchebag dudes out there, but I find the snap judgement of "he's an asshole" a little annoying. And, it extends to define so many relationships in general. So often the man is blamed for the failing of the relationship (definitely not always) regardless of the real reasons. I would like to hear more about reasons why, most often, women's criteria for a healthy relationship is considered the standard. Women seem to define what is the appropriate amount of time to spend together; how much you communicate, and of course, when you're gonna have sex. I'm not saying their wrong, but it's pretty common for it to be one-sided.

There are many reasons why men cheat, and sometimes it's because women just demand too much.

Bitterness and ad hominem attacks aside, I think that the reasons that people (men & women) cheat are as numerous as there are cheaters. Some reasons are more valid than others (i.e., I'm a narcissistic douchbag is less valid than my wife hasn't been willing to have sex with me since the late '90's) but fundamentally, there is no truly valid reason to cheat. Women who cheat are no better or no worse than men who cheat, nor do I think, actually, that there are that many fewer of them. A lot of married men are cheating with other married women, after all.

We are all responsible for our own conduct. And notice that I said conduct -- I am not of the opinion that a Jimmy Carter-esque "lust in the heart" is cheating. If your wife has turned you down since the early '90's for God's sake get a divorce. Really, there is no reason to stay in a relationship that is entirely lacking in intimacy, children notwithstanding. But, if you think that you should be able to get out there an have meaningless sex with someone, without telling your spouse, just because variety is the spice of life, that is nothing more than a great, big, fat, ugly lie. Whether you are a man or a woman. Meaningless sex probably isn't meaningless to the person who finds out that you've been having it off with someone else.

I don't believe any of my wives or girlfriends 'cheated', but maybe. People vary, but its my experience that men have a much more powerfull sex drive than women, which requires much more frequent sex than most women want on a everyday basis, at least for the younger guys. And women are not just passive 'victims', they love to flirt and mess with your mind and willpower. Bless them.

Emmajane wrote:

"there is no reason to stay in a relationship that is entirely lacking in intimacy, children notwithstanding."

And yet, millions of people are in such relationships with no plans of exiting.

Remember a couple (or a few?) years back when featuring stories started cropping up about people with low sex drives who weren't ashamed to admit that they were basically healthy individuals who happened not to be blessed with strong libidos? Here's an example:

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I guess it takes two people with varying degrees of this condition for the marriage to be sexless and their be no tension about it, but I think such couples are more common than is being acknowledged here.

I can't say why all women would cheat, because I don't know the answer to that. I can say why I would want to cheat. I can say that when I am angry, I don't want to have sex with my husband. Are my reasons for feeling angry valid? I think so, but, my husband says, no. Notice that I have not listed the reasons why I am angry. For purposes of this discussion it doesn't matter. What matters is where we end up. Alone and apart emotionally and physically.

Hey Rosewing -- I was assuming that a relationship entirely lacking in sex also lacks intimacy of all stripes, including emotional intimacy. Perhaps some of those low-libido couples are in a relationship that they consider to be intimate, and so those needs are in fact being met.

I was really referring to relationships in which one, or both, partners are not having that need for connection/intimacy met, without specifying the manner in which that connection is reached. I certainly can't argue with your position that many such relationships do exist. They do.