Hi, I'm the Concise Realist. Like other folks in Frayland, I give you my take on the conundrums presented to your friend and mine, Prudie. I will try to be concise, but bear in mind that I am ridiculously verbose under most circumstances. So, anyway, here goes!

Dear Secret Republican,

Are you sure you aren't just being Republican as a typical gesture of teen rebellion? Get a tattoo and a belly ring and dump Alex Keaton. Your family will appreciate the gesture.

Dear Jealous Fiance,

Just because she's dying doesn't mean he's not screwing her.

Dear Underpaid,

Just threaten to sue them and be done with it. Men don't understand subtle hints, like "perhaps there might be some unconscious gender bias going on."

Dear selfish clotheshorse,

Is she your friend or not? Give her the damn clothes, stop being a self righteous whiner and realise that most normal people would have made the offer to her in the first place instead of promising to give them to strangers who will sell the $50 sweater you give them for $2.

Get a tattoo and a belly ring and dump Alex Keaton.

I don't see GOP-Girl getting a tattoo and a belly ring, do you ? I suggest perhaps she raises her dress above the ankle and slouches at the dinner table.

Don't believe the hype. There are lots of slutty Republican girls. What do you suppose she and Alex Keaton do for fun? Go to pro-war rallies?

No, my friend, they have hot, sweaty, Republican sex.

You're absolutely right, of course. I bet they've just watched "Red Dawn" and are going at it right now like crazed weasels.

Yes, and afterwards, he reads to her from The Collected Verse of William F. Buckley.

OK, I have to say that the phrase "hot, sweaty Republican sex" made me giggle. I had a sudden vision of Cheney riding George W. Brokeback Mountain style while telling him that "it ain't gay if your balls don't touch"