Dear Bibo -

I'm having trouble controlling the behavior of someone - my crazy liberal family.

You see, I'm a closet conservative who is dating a pipsqueak man who, because of his stature, is also, like me, a big fan of gay-bashing, recessions, pointless foreign wars, bombing abortion clinics, and oppressing the darkies. As you can imagine, being Liberals, my Godless relatives are opposed to these policies, and they make fun of my boyfriend.

How can I gain control of this situation, and show them the Divine Truth of the GOP - hatred of all things liberal?

Signed,

Lil' Bushie

Dear JennaWannaBe -

You might want to put down your gin-&-tonic, honey-pie, and get ready for a solid jolt - the Bibo Sez Liberals, and Liberality, are the true heirs of God's favor.

Few know this, but the terms "liberal", "liberally", and "liberality" are mentioned 8 times in what the Bibo Sez - and EACH and EVERY time, the Bibo Sez to be liberal is a good and Godly thing:

1. Deuteronomy 15:14 - Thou shalt furnish him liberally out of thy flock, and out of thy floor, and out of thy winepress: of that wherewith the LORD thy God hath blessed thee thou shalt give unto him.

2. Proverbs 11:25 - The liberal soul shall be made fat: and he that watereth shall be watered also himself.

3. Isaiah 32:5 - "The vile person shall be no more called liberal, nor the churl said to be bountiful."

4. Isaiah 32:8 - "But the liberal deviseth liberal things; and by liberal things shall he stand."

5. 1 Corinthians 16:3 - "And when I come, whomsoever ye shall approve by your letters, them will I send to bring your liberality unto Jerusalem."

6. 2 Corinthians 8:2 - "How that in a great trial of affliction the abundance of their joy and their deep poverty abounded unto the riches of their liberality."

7. 2 Corinthians 9:13 - "Whiles by the experiment of this ministration they glorify God for your professed subjection unto the gospel of Christ, and for your liberal distribution unto them, and unto all men;"

8. James 1:5 - "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him."

***

Now, one might well ask, what about the opposite of liberal, "conservative" and "conservatism"? What does the Bibo Say about that philosophy?

The answer - just like priestly pedophilia or radiation poisoning, the Bibo Sez nothing about conservatives or conservatism.

Zippo. Nada. Zilch.

So, JennaWannaBe, if you are NOT the foul harlot seed that I imagine you to be, you will wipe the dung off your face, and start worshiping and giving all glory to the Liberal God. (Malachi 2:2-3).

And that is what the Bibo Sez.

Bless you!

***

Dear Bibo -

I'm having trouble controlling the behavior of someone - my crazy liberal fiancé.

You see, my fiancé is a cancer survivor, and in his gratitude to God for his healing, he volunteers to help others with cancer find peace and healing with the Lord.

The thing is, some of the desperate, terminally ill women he counsels are quite affectionate with him, and since I am a cloest conservative, I also detest all things associated with free or affordable health care.

How can I gain control of this situation, and show my fiancé the Divine Truth of the GOP - hatred of the sick?

Signed - Free Health Care Over My Dead Body!

Dear Dead Body -

The Bibo Sez that the vast portion of Jesus's ministry on Earth was related to healing and health care - healing of the sick, healing of the rift between man and God, and resurrection of the dead bodies like yours.

Now, while I am a huge a fan of a woman just lying there and taking it like a rotting fish (especially after 20 minutes soaking in an ice bath - yummy), I do wonder when it was that your soul died, and you gave yourself over to Satan.

By all means, break up with your fiancé - he deserves a much better woman than you will ever be, you hellspawn.

And that is what the Bibo Sez.

Bless you!

***

Dear Bibo -

I'm having trouble controlling the behavior of someone - the man who signs my paycheck.

You see, I work in an identical job with a man who gets paid a dollar more an hour than me. That's sexual discrimination!

How can I gain control of this situation, and show my boss the Divine Truth of the GOP - the power of the free market?

Signed, Am I worth less than a man?

Dear Worthless -

Because of your monthlies, my dear, the unfortunate fact is that you are worth only about 3/4 of what a man makes during those times when you are barren.

However, if you want a raise, honey, all you have to do is form a labor union and ask for one - the Bibo Sez "Appoint me thy wages, and I will give it." (Genesis 30:28).

Furthermore, the Bibo Sez your labor union should demand payment every day - "Pay him his wages each day before sunset, because he is poor and is counting on it. Otherwise he may cry to the LORD against you, and you will be guilty of sin." (Deuteronomy 24:15).

You might also want to try seducing your boss, like Ruth did in the Book of Ruth - she was paid quite well for her sexual services: Also he said, Bring the vail that thou hast upon thee, and hold it. And when she held it, he measured six measures of barley, and laid it on her: and she went into the city. (Ruth 3:15)

And that is what the Bibo Sez.

Bless you!

***

Dear Bibo -

I'm having trouble controlling the behavior of someone - my greedy bi-curious roommate.

You see, I'm graduating from college and moving to Hell soon, so I'm looking to get rid of my cold-weather clothes. I want to give them to a wymyn's shelter, but my soon-to-be former carpet-muncher seems obsessed with my old soiled panties and sweaty workout togs, which she dutifully bags up and routinely mails off to someone named "eBay".

How can I gain control of this situation, and show my rugbug the Divine Truth of the GOP - charitable donations as a tax-dodge?

Signed, Lynn Cheney

Dear Lynn -

While I think is it sweet that you are going to be joining your father Dick Cheney in eternal hellfire, the Bibo is very specific about charity - you are to SELL all that you own, and give the money to the poor. (Matthew 19:21; Luke 12:33) Donating property as a tax scheme is likewise forbidden by what the Bibo Sez - "And he said unto them, Render therefore unto Caesar the things which be Caesar's, and unto God the things which be God's." (Luke 20:25).

And that is what the Bibo Sez.

Bless you, and AMEN!

Thanks, A, vis-a-vis the liberality - I always knew somehow that i was saintly despite my foul mouth and sexual deviancy.

Now that I know what the Bibo Sez about liberality, I can sleep at night again, after showing those statements to all of the retrograde neo-con weenies at the garden center...

Thank you AA! (Did you check out who gave you the -1? This is going to be fun.)

i always love the bibo's advice.

jesus's disciples probably felt that mary magdalene was just trying to flirt with jesus, too.

Thank not me, Tarquin, but rather, thank God for what the Bibo Sez.

I admit that, in my sinful nature, I am grateful for your gratitude (despite my unworthiness), and I ask for God's blessings on all those who have been misled by demons, and I call all of God's liberal children back in all humility to what the Bibo REALLY Sez.

Bless you!

Dear Messy -

As much as I admire and adore the plus ratings (+9 at the time I write this), I also must demure to what the Bibo Sez - that all glory belongs not to me, but to God, and I am but a poor, flawed, sinful and unworthy messenger of what the Bibo Sez.

Now, I must confess, my sinful pleasure at my (current) plus nine rating pales in comparison to my joy over the lone -1 rating I was blessed with by the foul daemon known as "opinion8ed".

Why, one might ask, am I DANCING with uncontrollable glee over opinion8ed's sloppy persecution of what the Bibo Sez?

It should be obvious, of course, to any True Believer in what the Bibo Sez, but for those who have never read what the Bibo Sez (like opinion8ed, evidently), please consider this -

Matthew 5:10-12: Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.

So you see, the laughter you hear from me, opinion8ed, is because YOUR PERSECUTION of me for the sake of what the Bibo Sez has bought me a First Class Ticket to nothing less than the KINGDOM OF HEAVEN - at least, according to Jesus, a fellow you might want to read up on, sometime, since you seem to take pride in ignoring what the Bibo Sez..

And I understand that your master Satan wants to have a little chat with you about that

But even as I forgive you, opinion8ed, and ask that God forgive you, too, I also pray that you come to reject Satan, renounce your sins, embrace the Love of God, and throw all your faith into what the Bibo Sez.

Foul daemon SPIRIT, the power of CHRIST compels you, DEPART from opinion8ed and return to HELLFIRE!

And THAT is what the Bibo Sez.

Bless you all!

.

Your love and kindness are met with my gladness, BA, and I hope your love of God is most great, too.

As it happens, Jesus could flirt, tease, misdirect, and coyly demure with the best of them, but I think I'll reserve what the Bibo Sez about that for future columns.

Bless you!

..

you made me pee my pants in your response to opinion8d.

oh, ps.

Amen.