I'm in fields where I've seen this many times, and she needs to break the engagement and never look back.

First of all, for those of you who didn't bother to read the whole letter or read it correctly, there were MANY messages from the wench, not just one, all in the same line and over a period of time. She likely sensed a "vibe", which is why she checked his phone. Her fiance should have been honest with her from the beginning, he should have told her about the messages when they were received and explained that he was trying to keep the wench in her boundaries. The fact that he didn't speaks volumes, alone.

The real "crime" isn't the so-called "snooping", as everyone here is so aflutter about. The real "crime" is the disrespect shown her by both her fiance and the selfish wench who thinks that just because she's terminally ill that gives her the right to go after another woman's man. "Jealous" more than likely felt "vibes" from her fiance, which is why she felt it necessary to look at his cell phone in the first place. People who are considering cheating or who are cheating, or who are close to doing so, aren't nearly as discreet as they think they are and tend to give off such vibes. Perhaps he did so whenever he spoke of her. Or maybe she saw him reacting a certain way to the messages coming in. And the whole "unhappy marriage" nonsense is such a typical smokescreen for cheating and drumming up sympathy.

Illness, even terminal illness, is NOT NOT NOT a free pass to do whatever you want, get away with it and still get sympathy and compassion. That includes coming on to engaged or married people and showing no respect for boundaries and the feelings of others.

"Jealous" needs to realize that, if she continues the engagement and goes through with the marriage, she will likely be dealing with this kind of crap all through the marriage. He will insist on continuing his "counseling" and SHE will be made the "heavy", if he hasn't done so already, because, after all, she's healthy and the poor terminally/seriously ill woman isn't, so she should be grateful and just shut up, sit down, and take it. Her problems, events, etc., will be downplayed, discounted or even dismissed using that "logic" and she will never get the kind of emotional and mental support spouses need and deserve from each other. SHE will be labeled the one with the "problem", and everyone will pile on her, while the ill wenches will be showered with sympathy and get-out-of-jail-free cards. "Jealous" just will NOT be able to win, period. Again, seen it too many times in my fields.

"Jealous" has every right to feel the way she does and more. The wench is way overstepping her bounds, her fiance is apparently showing little interest in doing anything about it and may, in fact, already be cheating. She's done nothing wrong at all. And, unless she wants to deal with this crap throughout her marriage, she needs to get out NOW.

My thoughts exactly. I said in another post, "just because she's terminally ill doesn't mean he's not screwing her."

That's exactly the conclusion i came too, albeit without all the insightful analysis. Now be a sweetie and take a valium.

Yes! I've been saying that all along too. Believe me, not ALL of us are one the "OMG, she SNOOPED! OH NO!" bandwagon. And no, illness does not give someone a free pass to drive a wedge between a couple. And so on and so on...

Great post!

I'd suggest a more proportionate response. I don't rule out the possibility that he's actually cheating, but it seems more likely that he's enjoying the attention without actually acting on it.

But who knows? Step #1 is to get the information on the table by actually discussing the issue, not just telling her fiance to cut the woman off.

To borrow your sense of proportion, if she doesn't start communcating better, she will die a lonely spinster with 17 cats, wondering where it all went wrong.

Fitzpatrick:

I'd suggest a more proportionate response. I don't rule out the possibility that he's actually cheating, but it seems more likely that he's enjoying the attention without actually acting on it.

But who knows? Step #1 is to get the information on the table by actually discussing the issue, not just telling her fiance to cut the woman off.

To borrow your sense of proportion, if she doesn't start communcating better, she will die a lonely spinster with 17 cats, wondering where it all went wrong.

I realize I may seem to be all-or-nothing, or lack a sense of proportion. But when you've seen what I have over and over you might understand it better.

She HAS attempted to communicate her feelings to her fiance. It's just that he doesn't appear to hear her. The real problem is that he doesn't appear to be firm in keeping the woman in her boundaries, and may very well be putting this woman ahead of her own fiance and her needs and feelings and that doesn't bode for a successful marriage. And it's understandable that she would want him to cut the woman off. With those kinds of messages and her pushing the boundaries, and his appearing to enjoy the attention, the only way to really deal with it is to cease his "counseling."

She is gonna have one long, lonely marriage if he continues this behavior in his "counseling."

Look, I think a major part of the problem is that he didn't tell her about the messages in the first place, which really sends up a red flag to me. When my husband was getting hit on by a determined co-worker during our engagement last year, (yes, she knew we were engaged and didn't care) he told me all about it right away, what was said, done, etc., etc. He put his boundaries firmly in place, and was very uncomfortable with what the woman was doing. And I did the same thing when my ex-boyfriend was coming on to me last year, also during our engagement. Granted, it was just by phone, but that didn't mean he meant it any less.

The fiance, however, didn't do any such thing, which, at best, means he appears to be enjoying the attention, and, at worst, there's something going on. If there really wasn't anything going on, he would have told her about the messages and put a stop to the woman's boundary-pushing on his own. He shouldn't have to be told.

JudgeJanie:

I realize I may seem to be all-or-nothing, or lack a sense of proportion. But when you've seen what I have over and over you might understand it better.

I doubt it. That's what I'd call a dismissive response: you haven't added any information, just claimed that you know better than me.

Your experience may lead you to jump to conclusions, but that doesn't make it a valid thing to do.

JudgeJanie:

She HAS attempted to communicate her feelings to her fiance. It's just that he doesn't appear to hear her.

That's one way to interpret it - Prudie illogically chose it as well. Another interpretation is that she is now second-guessing her demand that he cut off contact, and wonders whether her fury may have led her to overreact.

She does not describe the fiance's response to her demand at all. What he "appears" to be doing is based on speculation, not evidence, which is why I suggest she ask him about it.

I further suggest that people should not snoop - it's rude - but they should also not ignore what they find if they do snoop. In this case, she should share her feelings, ask about his, and discuss the best thing to do. In other words, deal with the situation proportionately.

What happens when the next guy she finds makes a mistake by not sharing something that she will get furious about? Cut and run on him, too?

It's great that you and your fiance handled your respective situations openly. Failure to do so, however, is not evidence of bad intentions or bad actions. It's a prompt for more open discussion.

Seriously - that poster lumped everyone into the "OMG - she snooped" area.

Again - how sure is this jealous person that 'the other woman' is even terminally ill. This fiance of hers could just be using his "charity" as a smoke screen for serial cheating....

An excellent point, and one that has occurred to me as well. The whole "unhappy marriage" bit is, perhaps, a red flag, since it's a typical smokescreen used to justify cheating or out-of-bounds behavior.

Seriously, she just can't win. If she says anything or puts her foot down now or in the future with others, she's the one who'll be painted as the uncaring, unsympathetic, crazy, controlling bad guy. If she grits her teeth and says nothing, she'll have to deal with the same thing over and over. People with serious illnesses and/or terminal illnesses are often able to get away with a lot of behavior that the rest of us wouldn't. And I'm sorry, but that's just plain wrong.

nowhere (to my knowledge at least) is it codified in law that you have to be faithful or nice to your spouse or finance. But there are laws against intercepting communications of which you're the third party.

JudgeJanie:

I'm in fields where I've seen this many times, and she needs to break the engagement and never look back.

First of all, for those of you who didn't bother to read the whole letter or read it correctly, there were MANY messages from the wench, not just one, all in the same line and over a period of time. She likely sensed a "vibe", which is why she checked his phone. Her fiance should have been honest with her from the beginning, he should have told her about the messages when they were received and explained that he was trying to keep the wench in her boundaries. The fact that he didn't speaks volumes, alone.

First of all - having read the article - there is no mention of how many messages were sent. The word message is plural - but assuming that means that there were MANY is a leap not supported by the article. There is also no mention of them all being in that same vein. There is also no mention of the period of time.

As far as the "vibe" you are assigning her - well - that's directly refuted in the letter as well. "I know that my fiance has good intentions," As far as him not telling her about the messages - that isn't verified in the letter. She is basing that the texter is in a bad marriage because her fiancee told her that. If he was cheating with this woman - that's a very curious step to take.

JudgeJanie:

The real "crime" isn't the so-called "snooping", as everyone here is so aflutter about. The real "crime" is the disrespect shown her by both her fiance and the selfish wench who thinks that just because she's terminally ill that gives her the right to go after another woman's man. "Jealous" more than likely felt "vibes" from her fiance, which is why she felt it necessary to look at his cell phone in the first place. People who are considering cheating or who are cheating, or who are close to doing so, aren't nearly as discreet as they think they are and tend to give off such vibes. Perhaps he did so whenever he spoke of her. Or maybe she saw him reacting a certain way to the messages coming in. And the whole "unhappy marriage" nonsense is such a typical smokescreen for cheating and drumming up sympathy.

There is nothing so called about the snooping - it is just that. And if being disrespectful is the offense - snooping is just that. Also - I didn't realize that the fiancee was a possesion of the LW.

Well - we've already refuted that the LW was feeling vibes from her fiancee by her own words. And - there is nothing in the letter to make it sound nearly as suspicious as you make it out. He is her cancer coach. He's told the LW that she is in an unhappy marriage. She's aware that they've met for drinks. She knows that the friend knows that he and the LW are engaged. If he was cheating - it would have made more sense to say that she was happily married - aside from the whole dying thing.

JudgeJanie:

Illness, even terminal illness, is NOT NOT NOT a free pass to do whatever you want, get away with it and still get sympathy and compassion. That includes coming on to engaged or married people and showing no respect for boundaries and the feelings of others.

"Jealous" needs to realize that, if she continues the engagement and goes through with the marriage, she will likely be dealing with this kind of crap all through the marriage. He will insist on continuing his "counseling" and SHE will be made the "heavy", if he hasn't done so already, because, after all, she's healthy and the poor terminally/seriously ill woman isn't, so she should be grateful and just shut up, sit down, and take it. Her problems, events, etc., will be downplayed, discounted or even dismissed using that "logic" and she will never get the kind of emotional and mental support spouses need and deserve from each other. SHE will be labeled the one with the "problem", and everyone will pile on her, while the ill wenches will be showered with sympathy and get-out-of-jail-free cards. "Jealous" just will NOT be able to win, period. Again, seen it too many times in my fields.

Dying shouldn't allow people to get away with it - but let's face it - they often do. And the LW gains nothing by taking umbrage over some texts from a dying woman. The friend isn't competition - and while she is out of line - the LW gains more by telling her BF how she isn't thrilled by it, but since the friend has one foot in the grave - she's not going to make a huge deal out of it. I mean - funeral processions are able to run traffic lights for a reason.

If I'm out with a gal and some elderly gentleman starts flirting with her - and I tell him to fuck off - I'd look like a dick. He may have been disrespectful of me - but since he's harmless - there is no reason to lose ones cool about it. Same situation here - no reason to lose her cool about this.

JudgeJanie:

"Jealous" has every right to feel the way she does and more. The wench is way overstepping her bounds, her fiance is apparently showing little interest in doing anything about it and may, in fact, already be cheating. She's done nothing wrong at all. And, unless she wants to deal with this crap throughout her marriage, she needs to get out NOW.

Well - first - she has. Snooping is wrong. She can't play the being disrespected card if she isn't respectful. Next - there is nothing to say he was showing little interest in stopping it. She makes no mention how he responded. She also doesn't mention how he reacted when she asked him not to correspond with the friend. As far as the cheating allegation - the LW doesn't come across as seeing those as possible.

In short - I read your reply as - "I don't trust men, therefore, all men aren't to be trusted." But yeah - she should probably run away right now - because finding someone you can describe as "wonderful" and being "kind and generous" is super easy. It doesn't matter that she still trusts him. She should go now. It wouldn't at all be an overreaction to a few text messages from someone sad, lonely and dying.

Seriously, that's crazy talk. There is no law against going through someone's text messages, or reading their mail (after they have opened it, that is, it is illegal to take mail from someone else's mailbox) or going through their wallet or purse, when that person is your fiance. If you don't believe me, call the cops and tell them to come right over and arrest your girlfriend, because she totally just went through all your PRIVATE text messages. See how long it takes the dispatcher to stop laughing before she tells you to go bug the fire department.

Is it rude, and an invasion of privacy? Absolutely. Is it sometimes warranted, if you have good reason to be suspicious? Absolutely.

For the record, I've never gone through my wife's purse, or checked her cell phone bill, or gone through her credit card receipts, but then, I've never had any reason to suspect her of anything. If the situation warranted it (as I suspect this letter writer's did) I certainly wouldn't hesitate on the basis of some imagined moral constraint against snooping.

You know what else is still illegal in some states, yggy? It's a charge called "alienation of affection" and it happens when a third party interferes in two peoples' private relationship and his/her actions cause the breakdown of that relationship.