Wellllll, if her fiance IS boinking the dying woman, it could be part of a pattern of inappropriate contact with people who are emotionally dependent upon him.

Or,

If the woman is just having fantasies, he may have told her it bothers him, and she doesn't care. He probably could ask for a replacement fro his duties to her, but there may be no one else available.

I read my husband's e-mail, or did till recently, when he began checking it more than once a month. He's missed many important messages before I started checking it for him. We read each other's mail, too, unless it looks personal. Even then, once it's open, we usually share.

However, I can't imagine checking someone else's text messages, other than your minor child's. If one of us wanted to cheat, there are much better ways than via text. Personal contact beats text all to pieces.

My wife reads my email... especially since I'm lax about it (I can go a week without reading it). I couldn't imagine her going through my texts... but I don't really get texts from anyone but her, nor do I have a problem with it.

As for the woman hitting on him, my wife would have known it was going on before she "discovered" it, since I'd have asked a woman's perspective on how to nicely stop the advances without kicking a dying woman to the curb.

The only time I need to keep a secret from my wife is when I'm working on a gift for her, and I've felt this way since before we were engaged (she had my email password back in high school... not like I have anything to hide and I still was terrible at checking it back then).

I only go through my husband's snail mail, and I rarely open anything personal. Personal letters I will set on his computer so that he opens them. Since I handle the day to day finances, I need to open the mail in case there is a bill I need to pay!

I never check his email, voice messeges and text messeges. His personal correspondance is none of my business.

She may have seen the text message come into the phone while it was on a table right in front of her. Those things pop right up in full view on some phones/settings.

As for her not being allowed to be jealous of a dying woman, hmmm...we're ALL dying, in a way....and since when does terminal illness allow someone to cross all boundaries of someone else's private relationships? So this woman who has cancer gets intimacy in another woman's fiance, yet that other woman dies in a car accident the next day thinking her fiance is cheating on her. Oh yeah, let's all just send our SO's out to "comfort" others. I bet you wouldn't mind in the least, would you?

bzl:

She may have seen the text message come into the phone while it was on a table right in front of her. Those things pop right up in full view on some phones/settings.

That doesn't appear to be the case. She says she "found" them - as in - she was looking at his message folder and found them.

bzl:

As for her not being allowed to be jealous of a dying woman, hmmm...we're ALL dying, in a way....and since when does terminal illness allow someone to cross all boundaries of someone else's private relationships? So this woman who has cancer gets intimacy in another woman's fiance, yet that other woman dies in a car accident the next day thinking her fiance is cheating on her. Oh yeah, let's all just send our SO's out to "comfort" others. I bet you wouldn't mind in the least, would you?

She's allowed to be jealous of the dying person, she just doesn't need to be. The dying woman isn't a threat to her relationship - her jealous and (probable) lack of respect for his privacy could be.

The LW doesn't think her man is cheating (she says she knows his intentions are good,) just that she thinks the dying friend is out of line. She (probably) is. As long as the LW's man is commited to her, what is the harm in allowing the dying girl a little bit of comfort in her fantasys? It seems exceedingly cruel to me of the LW to ask her fiance to not talk to someone who is facing immenent death - not because she is worried about him straying - but because the LW thinks it is inappropriate.

As far as your hypothetical question - if sending your SO out to "comfort" people bothers you - don't date cancer coaches.

Seriously, I think the girl (while she should not have snooped) has a right to be pissed at the text. It was inappropriate - HOWEVER - everyone seems to be working of the notion that the "dying" woman is in fact terminally ill - and that she knows the "soon to be husband" has told her he is engaged.

The fault - in the end - most likely is with the man on this one. This man might love being in a position of emotional "power" with people who "need" him - or he could be lying to his fiance about why he hangs out with this or that person.

Seriously - While appologizing to her fiance for snooping is the right thing to do - I think there are bigger issues to take into consideration than just to appologize and say "I trust you". She needs to woMAN-up and take note that the man she thinks she loves could be a creep and she needs to realize he is not the only one out there.

I vote she appologize - and then discuss the situation - settle it/get to the bottom of it - then see how things go from there. 2 strikes your out.

patcelrs:

What do you consider personal and none of your business?

Anything that does not have a direct effect on my life I consider none of my business. Now if my husband wants to discuss such things, that's fine. But his personal correspondance with friends and family aren't something I need to be included in.

patcelrs:

My feeling is if my husband and I share finances - which we do - what could possibly be "none of my business" in his life.

We have a $ amount below which we don't discuss the issue. I really don't need him to ask me every time he wants to buy a comic book, and he really doesn't need me to ask every time I buy a video game. I do scan our credit card statements before paying them and I'll ask him about any strange charges, but only to make sure that we're not being scammed.

patcelrs:

I just don't understand that. If there are things he is doing, or people he is talking/texting/emailing and he doesn't want me to know about it - well that to me is a signal "something is going on".

My husband makes no effort to hide these things. I know all his log ins (and he knows all mine) so I could look if I wanted. The reality is that my husband is a very bright guy and far better with computers than I am. If he wants to cheat on me, I'm going to find out by looking through his correspondance.

patcelrs:

what could possibly be "none of my business" in his life.

Things involving the personal lives of his friends or his family. Some jobs have details that shouldn't be shared. (If you husband was a lawyer or a doctor - would you still expect to be privy to his corresponce.)

Just because he doesn't want you to know doesn't mean there is something going on - you just don't need to know his friend needs viagra, or his sister is getting plastic surgery, etcetera...

PhysicsGirl:

My husband makes no effort to hide these things. I know all his log ins (and he knows all mine) so I could look if I wanted.

Are you sure? It's not that difficult for someone to have a Yahoo account completely unknown to others for private reasons. I do. (I'm single, but you get my point right?)

You know, I've never felt the need to check up on my husband. Not when we were dating, not when we were engaged, and definitely not now. When we were first dating, I told him that the most important thing for me in a relationship is communication and honesty. Be open with me, and don't lie to me, that's all I ask.

He'll usually tell me what's going on anyway, because he wants my opinion. The only time he won't tell me something is if he knows it stresses me out, and even then, he'll tell me enough so I know what's going on, but not too much so I don't start stressing.

And I have all his passwords to deal with things, though I rarely remember them. Everytime I need to do something for him I usually have to get his password again. A lot of times he asks me to check his e-mail and read it to him over the phone if he can't get a computer. And he never reads his snail mail, so if I see something that looks like it might be important, then I will open it so I can make him aware of it.

If you have to check up on the person you love, there's a problem. Why do people get so involved with people they obviously don't trust?