Perhaps they should check the water at this place of employment. Or is it just fate that would unite a strong, sensitive man who just happens to be a cancer surviving counselor with a female colleague that just happens to be a cancer patient in an unhappy marriage?

I should think the anticipation of impending death would leave one with very little time for cocktails and romance and the exchange of dreamy texts, but apparently not. Good to know! Whether or not this "cancer" of hers is indeed terminal remains to be seen. Right now, all it is is a convenient excuse for her to have an affair with the LW's fiance. It seems that we are all in agreement that that is what is occurring but, dammit, the poor woman's terminal fercryinoutloud so what's the chivalrous thing for this wonderful, generous and kind man to do but become her own personal Make-A-Wish Foundation, right?

On the upside, I predict a miraculous remission for the female colleague in the near future. Don't ask me how I know, it's just something I feel in me bones.

Yeah, something doesn't stack up here. One would think if a woman is terminal, she'd be sorting things out and making peace with her husband. Certainly not chasing an engaged colleague! I have to question the LW's fiance? Why is he allowing this to get this far???

I knew a law firm where 4 of the secretarys/admins all got brain cancer with in a year.

That kinda reminds me of a scene from "Fight Club" A woman in a cancer support groups is dying, and she's talking to the group and saying that she's accepted her death, then she gets this real desperate look in her eyes and says she doesn't want to die without getting laid one more time. "I have lotions, I have toys, have pornographic videos! Anyone...!" she's still trying to garner interest as she's ushered off the microphone by the embarrassed moderator.

If you were in an unhappy marriage and knew you were dying, I think you would leap at the chance of experienving any kind of love and affection, while you still could.

I guess you could always explain, "But St. Peter, I was terminal." ;)

Seriously, tho, 4 employees with brain cancer? Check the water and the headsets.

IphigeniaGoesShopping:

That kinda reminds me of a scene from "Fight Club" A woman in a cancer support groups is dying, and she's talking to the group and saying that she's accepted her death, then she gets this real desperate look in her eyes and says she doesn't want to die without getting laid one more time. "I have lotions, I have toys, have pornographic videos! Anyone...!" she's still trying to garner interest as she's ushered off the microphone by the embarrassed moderator.

If you were in an unhappy marriage and knew you were dying, I think you would leap at the chance of experienving any kind of love and affection, while you still could.

But I thought the fight club wasn't real? Even Brad Pitt didn't really exist at the end. All a figment of Edward Norton's imagination.

I forgot about that scene, but thanks for reminding me. It was really funny!

The fight clubs were real - Brad Pitt's character was actually the same person as Ed Norton's character.

The scene with the Chloe, I think, the cancer patient took place in a support group - and actually happened, in the fictional story.

Anyways - to the point - I don't think it is the same thing for a dying person to say "I'm going to dream about you" as it is to have an affair. The dreaming statement could be taken as meaning "I know I can't have you, except in my dreams." Is it unreasonable to believe a person dying might say that to someone who has been kind to them?

The LW doesn't seem to doubt that the friend is terminal - or her BF's fidelity - she was looking for reassurance that she did the right thing, and if she didn't, how to.

evil_robots:

I don't think it is the same thing for a dying person to say "I'm going to dream about you" as it is to have an affair. The dreaming statement could be taken as meaning "I know I can't have you, except in my dreams."

Well, the fact that she's "dying" has yet to be determined. All we have is what the boyfriend is telling the LW the colleague said to him. And the fact that they've met several times over cocktails. And the fact that she's sending him at least one text message that says "I'll be dreaming of you." Face it, the only reason either one of them is getting a pass with this behavior is that one or both of them is saying she has cancer. Substitute the word "chapped lips" for "cancer" and you have an official affair (perhaps just emotional at this point, but still an affair.) And yes, I do think that's kind of an inappropriate thing to say to someone ("I know I can't have you except in my dreams") who has been "kind to them" and nothing more.

I'm not saying her condition is not real but I'm kind of surprised at the naivite that says no one would possibly lie about this kind of thing for personal gain. This may be simply an older, more neurotic version of the "pregnancy scare".

Which brings me to another point. I'm curious how these two "colleagues" first and foremost, happened to hook up. This is not some random stranger that his cancer association referred to him; she starts out first as his colleague. I find it hard to believe that the HR dept would put them together so it must have been on their own. Was this fellow well-known for his cancer humanitarianism? Why would it be hard to believe that a person would invent an illness to get close to someone who would be sympathetic to their plight? And let's not forget that unhappy marriage she made sure he knew about - and that he made sure to tell his fiancee about. I'll bet you dollars to donuts that if this guy went to AA, this "colleague" would suddenly develop a "habit" for which she is now clean and sober but which will require the attentions of a sympathetic counselor. If he rode motorcycles she'd wear a Harley jacket to work one day. You get the idea.

There are just too many things that are fishy about this. Although there is always the terrible possibility that she is telling the truth about her situation it sounds more like either she is lying and he is naive, or they are both lying and using his counseling of her illness as a front to carry on.

The word "cancer" injected into the equation has succeeded in their personal situation the same way it seems to have here on the fray. It is causing people to be blinded to behavior that they would never put up with otherwise. I, too, have lost many (actually most) of the people in my family to cancer and I've also known a few people that used imaginary cancer to manipulate other people. So, my radar is up on this one.

First - I agree that the dying girl is acting inappropaitely - she shouldn't be sending those texts - however - I think considering the circumstances, it's probably best to let it go - having let the BF know that it does bother her, even if she knows it probably shouldn't.

As far as the fake cancer thing - I think you are applying your experiences here, which are valuable and the foundation of how you advise someone, in a circumstance that it probably doesn't fit. The LW doesn't use any hesitation language, and in fact, uses a declarative sentence to describe the texter as having terminal cancer.

She also seems confident in her BF. She doesn't think he's cheating on her. In fact - she states she knows his intentions. If we are to take her at her word, which I think is necessary in playing the fray game, her BF would almost certainly feel betrayed and bail on anyone who faked cancer to get his attention, having lived through it himself. (He's a cancer coach - he'd have to catch on she was faking sooner or later, wouldn't he?)

I'm not saying people don't fake this kind of stuff as you've clearly experienced. I'm just saying there is nothing that would suggest it. (Meeting someone for drinks doesn't have to involve actually drinking alcohol. It's shorthand for meeting someone after work, but not for a formal dinner. I've met non drinkers for "drinks" on a few occasions. Not nearly as fun as meeting drinkers IMO.)

Oh this is so fun! Thank you for your well-thought out response. First let me start by saying I am never convinced about the absoluteness of any given situation ever so I don't have it made up in my mind that this woman does not have cancer, I'm just saying, add everything up and it doesn't sound kosher to me, as I'd like to outline.

evil_robots:

First - I agree that the dying girl is acting inappropaitely - she shouldn't be sending those texts - however - I think considering the circumstances, it's probably best to let it go - having let the BF know that it does bother her, even if she knows it probably shouldn't.

I guess I forgot about playing by the rules of assuming that what the LW says is factual (and by that I mean she would have in her hands a written doctor's diagnosis that this woman does indeed have cancer) but since she doesn't we'll just take her word for it. (Oh you people and your damn rules and facts!) I would have to say I agree with you on this point except for the fact that I think the LW is within her rights to be "bothered" by this situation. Perhaps she's wondering if she's going to have to put up with swan song texts every time her fiance counsels another person.

evil_robots:

As far as the fake cancer thing - I think you are applying your experiences here, which are valuable and the foundation of how you advise someone, in a circumstance that it probably doesn't fit. The LW doesn't use any hesitation language, and in fact, uses a declarative sentence to describe the texter as having terminal cancer.

The LW states "He has a colleague that is terminally ill with cancer." She does not explain how she comes by that knowledge. I feel that if she would have met the woman she would have mentioned that, and the fact that she didn't leads me to believe that she is getting this information from her fiance and not the woman directly. If we go with my feeling, it either means that she a) does have cancer or she b) does not and if she does not, she is either misleading the fiance or he is in on it. Those, to me are the three scenarios.

evil_robots:

She also seems confident in her BF. She doesn't think he's cheating on her. In fact - she states she knows his intentions. If we are to take her at her word, which I think is necessary in playing the fray game, her BF would almost certainly feel betrayed and bail on anyone who faked cancer to get his attention, having lived through it himself. (He's a cancer coach - he'd have to catch on she was faking sooner or later, wouldn't he?)

First off, I don't believe the fiance being in on it is the accurate scenario at this point. I kind of think that he's innocent to her manipulations. As far as being a cancer coach, we don't know what kind of cancer he had; we don't know his level of expertise on every type of cancer. This just feels very melodramatic to me and I would not be surprised when this woman experiences a "remarkable remission" in her cancer - now why would a man feel "betrayed and bail" on anyone if he never found out she'd been faking it all along? Couple that with the intimate relationship that has been allowed to develop because she's "dying", well, take it from there. I don't know that he could tell she was faking it, depending on what type of cancer she claimed to have. Cancer patients can look completely normal.

evil_robots:

I'm not saying people don't fake this kind of stuff as you've clearly experienced. I'm just saying there is nothing that would suggest it. (Meeting someone for drinks doesn't have to involve actually drinking alcohol. It's shorthand for meeting someone after work, but not for a formal dinner. I've met non drinkers for "drinks" on a few occasions. Not nearly as fun as meeting drinkers IMO.)

Nothing that would suggest she's faking it? Nothing that would suggest she's not, either. (Only her death will convince me. that's not funny sorry.)

Okay, here's my point: let's go over the points of her letter.

"However, there is one situation in which I feel his "friend" has overstepped her bounds."

"They have met for drinks on a few occasions that I know about."

"She is married, and he says it is an unhappy marriage."

"One day I found text messages from her in his cell phone. They said things along the lines of, "I will be dreaming of you tonight."

"She knows that we are engaged and made these comments anyway."

Now, I maintain that anyone experiencing these things would be well within their right to be upset by this situation. What makes this situation acceptable now? The addition of these two sentences:

"My fiance is a cancer survivor and has been a cancer coach to help other people through this difficult time in their life. He has a colleague who is terminally ill with cancer."

and everybody sits back and says "Oh, never mind, it's okay then, she says she has cancer."

What the LW asks is, "is it wrong to feel that her texts are inappropriate and how do I handle this" and I would say, No! she is not wrong for feeling these texts are inappropriate nor wrong for feeling that her fiance is way out of line for fostering this type of behavior from another woman, no matter the state of her health. I would think this woman's physician would be concerned that instead of a counselor that is truly helping her transition to her next stage of existence, he is helping her avoid the inevitable by concentrating on a doomed romance instead of getting her affairs in order. Depending on what type of cancer she has, this could go on for years. Is it right to expect this LW to endure the situation because "it will eventually be over"? That's like saying, "Well, maybe someday my husband's mistress will get hit by a bus."

So now that I've gone on and on and made it appear that I am in fact fully entrenched in my delusions, lol!

Thank you for your polite discourse. It was a pleasure! ;)