Dear Prudie, I'm with the most wonderful guy ever. Well, there is this one little thing. He murdered both my kids, and beats me when I ask if we can move the bodies out to the back yard, instead of under the basement. How can I get my relatives to quit calling to ask when I'll leave him?

Dear Prudie, I need help with my neighbors. They keep calling the police during my parties. I mean, if they don't like to see naked people barfing in the front lawn, they should just close their windows, right? Or maybe they should go to bed with earplugs. Anyway, it's not my problem what time they have to get up!

Dear Prudie, I've been sleeping on the couch for 6 of our 8 years of marriage. It wouldn't be a problem, except it's a loveseat, and my legs get cramped. Our Great White Pyranese "Belle" has been sleeping with my husband. He says my groan keeps Belle awake, so he's been locking the bedroom door at night. Would it be okay if I moved my dresser closer to the living room?

Dear Prudie, Which side of the aisle should I pass other shoppers on when I'm using my skates? Does the "slower traffic should yield" rule apply to people with walkers?

Appalling!

Bravo! And now.... Some advice for our dear readers...

Dear Prudie, I'm with the most wonderful guy ever. Well, there is this one little thing. He murdered both my kids, and beats me when I ask if we can move the bodies out to the back yard, instead of under the basement. How can I get my relatives to quit calling to ask when I'll leave him?

Dear Beaten down in Biloxi,

My dear, I would say just leave the bodies where they are. It is much easier for dog looking to bury his bone to dig them up. Unless your house has serious foundation problems, it is highly doubtful anyone will stumble upon the bodies. You're such a dunce. I want to slap you myself. As far as your busy body relatives are concerned, I really have no advice except to change your phone number.

Dear Prudie, I need help with my neighbors. They keep calling the police during my parties. I mean, if they don't like to see naked people barfing in the front lawn, they should just close their windows, right? Or maybe they should go to bed with earplugs. Anyway, it's not my problem what time they have to get up!

Dear Bored in the Burbs,

Honey, Prudie would suggest you move to a more wooded area. Perhaps a farmhouse on a 400 acre lot? Unless your naked party goers hang out right next to your property lines, you should have no problem.

Dear Prudie, I've been sleeping on the couch for 6 of our 8 years of marriage. It wouldn't be a problem, except it's a loveseat, and my legs get cramped. Our Great White Pyranese "Belle" has been sleeping with my husband. He says my groan keeps Belle awake, so he's been locking the bedroom door at night. Would it be okay if I moved my dresser closer to the living room?

Dear Cramped Style,

Prudie suggests you buy a real sofa. And this time, buy a sleeper.

Dear Prudie, Which side of the aisle should I pass other shoppers on when I'm using my skates? Does the "slower traffic should yield" rule apply to people with walkers?

Dear Body Checker,

Yes, I believe the slower traffic should yeild rule should apply to people with walkers. But as bubbleheaded as older drivers tend to be, so this would apply to older pedestrians. Don't the old folks in your area utlize those motorized scooters. Perhaps they should become mandatory for anyone over 75.

You wrecked the surprise. Sniff.

I have a theory. Whenever Slate concocts a new letter for Prudie, the "I'm with the greatest guy/girl ever" letter uses two superlatives:

"...He's the greatest, most wonderful..."

"...She's the most beautiful and intelligent..."

"...He's the most handsome, well-endowed..."

Seems to happen every time.

Now, I wouldn't want to say, you know, that these letters are, well, shall we say made up or anything (yes, I would) but the formula is becoming tired, and I think we should complain - loudly and bitterly - to them about finding a new letter writer.

You think our esteemed Emily Yoffee herself writes them? There's no clear flow in style between the letters and her responses, so I long suspected they were handed to her, but frankly I haven't read her responses in so long I can't tell. I don't "read" Dear Prudie any more - I read the letters, take a few Vicodin with a double Beefeaters on the rocks with two bis olives, read them again, then I look for you, August, Messy or one of my beholden for the answers.

And so: having said that, I think you're perfect! I will send Slate a request that YOU become the new ghost letter writer for Dear Prudie! Do you want the job? Please say yes. We need change here. Will you? Will you?

...the popcorn letter!

I have to admit I didn't read the reply, because what is there to say about such rampant silliness? However, I guess Prudie's staff doesn't write ALL the letters.

Kind of a disappointment, really.

Wonder if the DP staff did write those letters & send them to the competition to see what their answers would be?

Maybe, just maybe ...

What if there's a firm which writes advice column letters, and the columnists get to use them for a fee, at least when they don't have much to work with? It might explain the frequent duplication, as it wouldn't be in the firm's interest to notify the various customers which letters had already been used!

Oh, my goodness. Neato: you're a genius.

We should do it! The lot of us, we should for a consortium called "LetterAtion" or something (if "verizon" can make it, I mean...), with a charitable component to get that tax-free status and the bonus of a job writing putrid drivel and laughing our asses off all the way to the bank! I wouldn't sleep! I'd stay up 24/7 writing this asswipery!

C'mon! Let's do it!

schuylercat:

We should do it! The lot of us, we should for a consortium called "LetterAtion" or something (if "verizon" can make it, I mean...), with a charitable component to get that tax-free status and the bonus of a job writing putrid drivel and laughing our asses off all the way to the bank!

Whoo Hoo! I'm in!

Added bonus: We get to set our own hours! Each gets a commission on letters selected for publication.

It's gotta be easier than digging holes in mud...