You ever have a girlfriend who suddenly gets a short haircut without even consulting you and - she’s happy, she’s dancing round like a gay unicorn in heels because she thinks she looks like a fucking 15 year-old pixie instead of a prematurely-menopausal 30 year old and so you’re banging her from behind and you’re staring at the back of her clipped and shorn head and suddenly you think : whooooaaaaa !!!! This feels a bit weird !!! 

Hmmmm ?

Anyway, I read that deodorants aren’t that healthy because they’re chock full of plutonium or something, so some bright spark suggested using talcum powder instead which was effective for about 5 minutes before I was reeking like an Irish gypo – Christ, I really stunk ! – so my question is : can anybody tell me of an effective alternative to deodorant before I develop cancer of the armpits ?

Shave 'em and use a bit of body splash.... Not only will it cure the smell, but it will also make banging the short haired pixie a little less weird feeling.

Thanks, PG, I will try that, even though it sounds a bit gay. Nice to get a reply from you. You’re so logical and knowledgeable – you’re like a female Spock.

Here's what Jackson Browne said:

Cocaine
You take Sally and I'll take Sue
Their ain't no difference between the two
Cocaine, running all 'round my brain

Headin' down Scott, turnin' up Main
Looking for that girl that sells cocaine
Cocaine, runnin' all 'round my brain

Late last night about a quarter past four
Ladanyi come knockin' down my hotel room door
Where's the cocaine--
It's runnin' all 'round my brain

I was talking to my doctor down at the hospital
He said, "Son, it says here you're twenty-seven,
But that's impossible
Cocaine-- you look like you could be forty-five"

Now I'm losing touch with reality and I'm almost out of blow
It's such a fine line-- I hate to see it go
Cocaine, runnin' all 'round my brain

Deodorant doesn't cause cancer. Really. Talc is for old ladies.

For the love of Humanity, man, buy some deodorant!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What are you doing having sex with your underarms?

also, how are you having sex with your underarms? I certainly can't bend over that far.

If you think screwin' a premenopausal gay unicorn is weird - try goat meat! Rough stuff....if you follow my meaning.

Lanolin is the best alternative.

For the pits, try molasses and a toothless ferret (or, a meerkat if that's legal in your country).

You're all very silly. Why are you so silly ?!!!

As a gay unicorn in heels, I must confess that it never occurred to me that it might look a bit odd from behind during coitus. Perhaps this explains my boy's preoccupation with face to face sex, he needs to see boobs to verify my gender. HAH! (Although at the same time, I am now rather relieved that he does not insist upon doggy style, if I do indeed look boyish from behind. It seems he is not gay, just European.)

Meanwhile Tarq, should you find yourself in this position again, just reach around her to feel for boobs. Um, one hand at a time. No girl likes to have a man collapse on top of her mid-act.

While I do not believe that deodorant or antiperspirant causes cancer, if you are worried about it, I'm sure you can find an all natural version at the same store your bright spark frequents. I have no faith that these will work, mind you, but you could always do a scientific test as to how fast they will fail and post your results.

Tarky - gotcha covered. Go here:

<link>

These stones work GREAT! Here's how it goes: buy one, use it one time, and after thirty seconds in the summer heat you're gonna smell like the southern end of Rich Noggin's goat after it's had a lunch of Limburger and hound dog ass sammiches. Try that reach around boobgrabby thing AC mentions and the smell from your pit will light your nose hair aflame like Vesuvius, and the menopausal pixie with the Dorothy Hamill 'do will pass out cold mid-bang and you'll feel like a rapist, still on your knees wondering if maybe you...should...um...finish...a­nyway, only worse-smelling.

THEN...go buy some Arid. Mitchum. Old Spice. Speed Stick! BAN ROLL ON!!! SOMETHING!!! ANYTHING!!! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!

Check the label - no plutonium. Just a little aluminum zirconium tetrachlorohydrex, same stuff McDonald's uses in the sauce they put on the Big Mac, only a less radioactive isotope. Yum-o-la!

AC – some might argue that being European and being gay amount to the same thing. I really don’t want to spoil anyone’s doggy sex so do please make time for this most important activity and I will get to work on that list of effective smell inhibitors.

I still stink, btw. I think the smell has permanently stained my skin.

Schulyer – It’s amazing how 8 years of rock-solid friendship can be wiped out by one poor personal hygiene day isn’t it ? Like the man said, “stink and they will leave”. I will check out the stones and report back to you. I had the idea of sticking some porn to my wife’s back while we are ruff-styling but now I’m worried about igniting it with my flaming nose hairs.