This is the first time I've ever read the Dear Prudence Advice column and I was surprised to see the bashing this "obsessive boyfriend" is taking from Prudence and various other readers. Nowhere in Talked Out's post did I see her say that her boyfriend was abusive or violent, yet everyone is assuming that he is a violent individual. She did not specify why they broke up in high school. For all we know she could have wronged him, which would obviously give the boyfriend a reason to be overly cautious when considering marrying this woman. Also, the man is divorcing his wife for this relationship. I think its wise to want to know exactly what kind of person you are marrying, especially when he is going to divorce his current wife for her. It's a huge life-change and it would be idiotic for him to stumble into a marriage with his high-school sweetheart after only getting to know her for less than a year. I don't think there is anything wrong with questioning your partner's past relationships and/or sexual history. I believe the best predictor of the future is what a person did in the past. For instance, I like to know if my girlfriend ever cheated on her past boyfriends. I ask this question because I believe that if a person cheated on a past partner in a serious relationship, it indicates a lack of loyality and fidelity in that person's character. I, for one, would have second thoughts about marrying a person that has a history as a cheater. Although that person may seem faithful now, after time every relationship goes through ups and downs. Will their infidelity rear its ugly head when the down times come? Secondly, I don't know many people that don't want to know how many people that their partner has slept with. It's hard to maintain a serious relationship with someone when you don't respect them. And how can you respect someone when they don't respect themself? A person that sleeps with anyone that will have them obvious has no respect for themself. His questions are probably meant to indicate character flaws, not to be obsessive and smothering. For all I know this guy could be a psycho, but she doesn't tell us enough to make that assumption. Give people the benefit of doubt before you crucify them.

I'm with Prudie on this one. Sounds more like Sleeping with the Enemy than There's Something about Mary.

I am siding with Prudie here .... I spent 11 years with the same kind of guy, 4 years of those married. That was 21 years ago. At first the attention to me being safe and out of danger was cute and endearing, but after years of badgering, interogating, constantly asking about my prior affairs (I met him when I was 17, so there were 2 before him!) it grew to become obsessive, manipulative, controlling belittling behavior and soon encompassed my co-workers, bosses, bus drivers, cab drivers, and any other man that crossed my path. The interrogations continued, the violence came much later, after we were married. What more could I possibly have to tell him? I thought if we got married, he'd feel more secure, but he didn't. Once I started to show disgust at his behavior, and didn't heed his "warnings" (to drive slow, not take the bus, don't go to lunch with male co-workers, be careful at the supermarket, keep keys in your hand to ward off muggers and rapists, don't wear skirts because I could be raped easier), he started to become violent. First it was just grabbing my arm until it hurt to prove that he was stronger, then it was twisting my wrist when we crossed the street, soon it involved baseball bats and a restraining order he broke through. Looking back, all the signs were there. No one thought he was "that bad" including my family. It took 4 years of therapy, moving to another state and changing my last name to get away from him. I was lucky. I got out -- 11 years too late, but I did. Now I'm married to a great guy who never once asked me any detail about my previous sexual relationships, other than just our normal chatting about what our past relationships were like in matter of fact conversation. He's going to make you think he "did this for you" (leaving his wife) ... it'll never stop. Get out. Now.

Designated:

A person that sleeps with anyone that will have them obvious has no respect for themself.

Give people the benefit of doubt before you crucify them.

Are these two statements meant to be exclusive of the other?

I sometimes wish that I had listened to the very sound advice that my parents gave me. If he is controlling and badgering now just wait until you marry him. Don't forget you aren't the only person affected by this relationship. You have children. It won't take long until you are making some very tough choices, him or the children.

You make an excellent point here.