Hi, new to this post. I guess we always can't get the entertaining and harmless Letters #1's of previous weeks.(By the way, I'd like to know how the insecure bride's problem with her MIL wearing an "inappropriate" dress turned out. I really, really, really, really hope the LW completely missed the sarcasm of Prudie's response and told the whole family what she thought of that dress. And I hope somebody taped it and put it on YouTube.)

But seriously. There is nothing to add to the brave and honest comments about this letter except maybe to those who can see another side or give the BF the benefit of the doubt. Every story has two different sides and we should not be quick to judge untill we know all the facts,true, but I don't think we can be magnanimous in this case. From the letter, and that is all we have to go on, the BF will not stop demanding (and I think it is safe to use that word) the intimate details of the LW's past. He wants to know so much that no amount of talking, threatening and begging will allay his questions. She uses those words. She specifies which form of talking she does: she threatens and begs. Threatening and begging, over anything, are not common modes of expression in any healthy relationship. Isn't this beyond dispute

Then there is the incident of her not being able to leave her house for two hours becuase the BF wouldn't stop interrogating her. Her word. What is the other side to this? That it was not meant to be taken literally? I doubt he kept her in handcuffs. Even if the BF didn't block her way and was a perfect gentleman, she still felt that she could not leave even though she had enough of the questions. She's an adult. She can walk out of any situation anytime if she chooses to do so or, in this case, ask him to leave. That she felt she could not and stood the interrogation immediately reveals that this is not a normal relationship. It doesn't matter if he literally kept her prisoner; she felt like one.

The psychology of the BF, and whatever motives he has in doing this behavior are irrelevant. What matters is that he does it and the LW cannot make him stop even with threatening and begging. That he is not physically abusing her doen't mean he won't start, and even if he never hit a woman in his life, is a part of the Boy Scouts, gives all his money to charity, he is still not being nice to the woman he loves and keeps making her very uncomfortable. That is her reason enough to go. Better to be too cautious.

One last thing: Although I am amazed that Prudie knew the full name of a minor character in a movie made over ten years ago, I still find the reference jarring in a response to such a serious letter. Why even bring up a movie? If need be, any given one on LIfetime would have been adequate.

I salute all of the women who talked about their own struggles today.

I'm glad I read your post because I was all ready to write in defense of the BF. I do think it is reasonable to expect to learn your partner's sexual experience if you are close enough to commit to marriage. And I personally feel a need to learn not just the stats but the stories. I don't think it is a desire for control, but for intimacy and mutual self-revelation. I have gone through this just recently with someone who did not want to tell me her past or hear much about mine. I wanted to share mine and learn hers. I was never demanding and she never had ask twice to skip it let alone beg or threaten. After a while (weeks) I apologetically told her that not knowing was really bothering me and by then she felt comfortable sharing and the issue is closed. I see though that it is a very different situation here.

Best case scenario - He says, "I need to know." She begs, "Please, drop it." He demands, "I can't. You have to tell me for this relationship to work." She threatens, "I'll break up with you if you don't drop it." "Well, I can't." If that is what it amounted to, and neither had the guts to break it off, I could see how it would spiral into this letter, without any sinister subtext or forshadowing. That a two hour interrogation happened is odd, but it is also very odd that it took a two hour interrogation to get TO to reveal the number of sexual partners she's had. Why wouldn't she just tell him? But you're right, the fact that she feels bullied and he is willing to make her feel that way is enough to end it. If he were the one writing I'd tell him that the fact that she is so unwilling to share her past with him should be a pretty big warning sign too. They both need therapy, not each other.

I think that she didn't have a problem telling him general information but she implied that he was asking for every little detail. I don't think that your current flame of any level needs to know EVERYTHING about all of your exes. I mean, do you actually want to know a minute by minute account of every single time they were together? She had no problem telling him in general how many lovers she had. She didn't want to share every detail because she wasn't comfortable. And it wasn't that it went on for 2 hours because that's how many lovers she had but it went on for 2 hours because he kept asking for every tiny detail of when she was with each of those lovers. Even if you've only slept with one other person, if you were with that person for years and now someone is interrogating you over every moment that you were with that person, it's gonna take forever.

The biggest problem is that she has stated that she doesn't remember every tiny detail and he is trying to force her to tell him anyway. She can't tell what she doesn't remember and she shouldn't be forced to tell what she isn't comfortable telling. I know I sure as heck wouldn't feel comfortable being grilled like that. And interrogation isn't intimacy. If they are both comfortable with it and share of their own free will, that is intimacy. There are still things that my husband doesn't know after 5 years because it just hasn't come up in a natural way and I'm certainly not going to say "Ok it's time to sit down and have a play by play of every time I had sex in the past. So first of all, we were here at this time on this day and it was this guy and he looked like this and he had these measurements and these are the positions we tried ... " even providing that quip is disturbing to me somehow.

Yomiko:

So first of all, we were here at this time on this day and it was this guy and he looked like this and he had these measurements and these are the positions we tried ... " even providing that quip is disturbing to me somehow.

I still wonder if the guy is trying to get a start in the porn business and needs script ideas, or if he's just crazy.

One of Bill Cosby's stories regards the time he tried to tell his friends about "doing it with this girl" when none of them had ever done that with any girl. After a bit of thought (so the story goes) he told his equally young and inexperienced buddies "We did it the regular way".

...for yelling, screaming and haranguing anyone for hours without allowing them to leave, which is what the bf did.

....for harassing someone to the point of tears about something that isn't any of his business.

....for calling and calling and calling on the phone, even after she hangs up, to continue yelling and trying to force her to tell him things she doesn't even remember, it was that long ago.

This is not love. If he loved her, he wouldn't try and force her to do anything. No, no one has any "right" to know ANY specifics about anyone's former partners.

If you don't understand that these things are abusive, then I feel sorry for you. You are the kind of fool that these guys hunt for.

I know as posters on the Fray we often lambaste Prudie or the lw for not looking at the other side of the story, but this letter definitely gave me the creeps and little warning bells went off in the back of my head. This guy - with his outward perfection but private control issues - sounds like one scary s.o.b. and that chick needs to get away from him asap, not marry him!

:- / Jen