I find disturbing that women mostly want disguard their sexual past and accuse men of being nosey for asking about it. What if she was a pedophile,had contracted communicable diseases,was involved in homosexual activity? Why is it not my business to know who I am going to marry? Does'nt a person's sexual behavior say a lot about him or her. If it were a men being asked an adviser would tell the woman to find out all she could so as to know what she's getting into. I think that it should be my decision whether I marry the town slut,drunk,idoit or whatever their past might reveal them to be. My advice to any man, If she says it's none of your bussiness be on guard!

Based on this post, I would say you'd be lucky to marry anyone....

Dear Talked Out,

I have to disagree with this previous reply and I couldn't have been in a more similar situation as you with my ex. I met this person on a spring break trip and since we were from the same state and hit it off, we decided to try dating a few months later and soon became exclusive. I was just finishing college and he was 4 yrs older than me. Pretty quickly into our relationship, he began asking a million questions about this guy and that guy, and who was calling me and why, and what my past was with that guy. One question led to thousands more and no answer was good enough to stop his bantering. He demanded every little detail of my past-how many partners, how far I had gone with the person, where I was, how long ago since I last spoke to or saw the person, on and on. he even made me re-enact conversations or explain in explicit detail actual things I had done. It didn't stop with guys. He also demanded to know about my 'partying' history; because I experimented with pot and a few other club drugs-he gave me the 3rd degree. Even the slightest mention of pot in a movie or on tv raised all these bad feelings and therefore more interrogations. The emotional and mental damage was slowly chipping away at my self esteem, self awareness, and soul. Thankfully, we both decided our relationship wasn't going to work out-after about 3 1/2 yrs. later, living together, and talking about marriage. I am so thankful that we didn't try to make it work. However, the damage was done and after we broke up, I went into a deep depression and would play out in my mind all of the things he 'extracted' from me. I put my trust in him and he threw everything back in my face and more. I began to believe some of the things he had said to me and I had basically zero self-esteem for a long time. My trust in guys was totally broken and I felt like I wasted over 3 yrs of my life and had lost all sense of who I was. I was only 25 yrs old at this point.

But now, I am almost 30, engaged to be married in 3 months, and have the most wonderful fiancee, family and girlfriends that have helped me regain my confidence, happiness, and self-respect. I've taken the time to heal, learn more about who I am as a person, what I deserve in a relationship, and that things in my past are just that-the past. There are things I cannot change, and some things I am not proud of, but nevertheless, I have learned many lessons and am not looking back with regret anymore.

I agree that when you find yourself wanting to be in an exclusive relationship, that it is very important to be upfront and honest with each other, but interrogations and making one feel inferior and putting them down is not right. The focus should be on the here and now, what you bring to the relationship, and how you make each other feel. Life is too short to hold grudges, regret, and insecurities. I've learned to pick up my lost pieces, hold my head up high, and move on in my life because no one else was going to do that for me. I've learned who I am, what I want and that no one deserves the emotional and mental abuse that I and so many people endure. Good luck to anyone out there in those situations.

Crusher, if my fiance performed lesbian acts with another woman before I met her, I wouldn't be upset. Some people just don't have open minds.

Okay CRUSHER (nice name)

No stalkers her thank you! Before you sleep with her you could get a VD test together and if it is clear (assuming your not a virgin, but I am not interested in your story,) then great.

Ask her to share her story, if there are things that are NOYB, and not part of her life anymore then if you care for her you will realize it isn't for you to know, if you can't feel if you like and trust someone on just this and you feel that you want to interrogate her, then your issues are bigger than hers and she should RUN FOR HER LIFE!!!!!

While I agree that detaining her in the house and pressing for hours about every detail and specifics of "who" are a bit wacky.... I'd sure as hell be leery of any woman who wouldn't tell me the basics of her sexual past. If you want me to give you my heart and my trust, but you can't tell me you've been with x number of guys, there would seem to be an honesty issue. I think it's perfectly reasonable, if I am serious about you, to know if you've slept with 1, 10, or 100 other men. For instance, some guys actually do place an emotional value on sex... so if you're answer is 120, a guy looking to feel that sex is an intensely close interpersonal bond is probably not going to get what he is looking for from the sexual aspect of the relationship with you. Likewise, chances are if the answer is 120, monogamy and/or commitment are likely not tops on your priority list... that may just be important.

I certainly wouldn't get serious with a woman who refused to say how many men she's been with, or used avoidance tactics like "I'm not sure" (and if the answer really is "I'm not sure"... how drunk or high WERE you then?? again, not an unreasonable thing to know if your significant other is or was a drunk or a drug user if those are things you feel are important). For someone to suggest that your partner's past is none of your business is hogwash... a person IS what they've done and experienced. Why hide it? If the answer is "I slept with 27 guys in college, then was in 3 or 4 committed relationships, now I'm 28 and I'm with you"- what is there to hide? And if the answer is 120- don't you think your partner deserves to know? Would you be ok with it if your partner didn't tell you he spent a few years locked up, or told you they were but refused to tell you why? After all, that's just part of their past! ;-) Of course, getting hung up on someone's past without openly discussing who they are and how they feel NOW can be unproductive as well.

If the writer refuses to answer simple questions like "how many guys have you been with?", what else is she hiding or avoiding or covering up?

That being said, this guy, if the writer describes things accurately, sounds a bit looney.

I think I have every right to know about my partner's past sexual history. In my case she began asking me and I responded when I began to ask her she replied that it was NYOB. We are no longer together. Her reason for questioning me was the same as crusher wrote--what if I had some disease, was someone who wanted to wife sway etc. Ms Goodie two shoes wanted it all her way and got it. I think that you owe your partner honesty in the extent of your prior relationships. If you want to keep secrets, then find someone else.

Do you want her to love you or to hate you. If you make her remember the good times she had with someone else. You may end up loosing her to someone in her past.

You people are amazing! I wonder what you do for a living!!! You live a life of reckless promiscuity (remember original writer said "boys and men"), and all the sudden you want a "good man". BTW karina-g, If the good times were so good why are they in the past?

Past behavior is an excellent predictor of future behavior. This may be a difficult concept for most of you "enlightend". Some live to a certain standard. You would never question asking for a loan, and having you past history investigated. Yet, if a partener is gambling a future, the past is out of the question!?

Amazing, women want it all. Jobs with equall pay, children, career, promiscuity,questionable ethics, but at the end of the day they want a good man, and when I say good man, loyal sincere and true. Yet, do not hold women to these standards. Bcause if you do you are sexist.

News flash! Many men and I mean many men have led moral lives. Beliving that love and sex are one in the same. Beliveing that when you give youself away to someone, you give yourself away, and then you are less.

What has happened to us? Are we not special anymore? We give ourselves over to anything, and expect not to be questioned? Freedom is not the right to to anything, its the freedom to choose to do whats right.

BTW, dont jump the gun, Im not a Christian or any other religion. I just resect myself and hold myself to a standard that honors me and my fellow man.

"Lie down for anything, stand up for nothing"