I completely agree with MotherofTwo's post about Prudence's response to this letter. So what if the writer is oviously less younger than most of her readers. I myself am a high school senior and will be graduating in less then a month, does that mean if I sent in a letter to her asking for advise that she would basicly tell to grow up and that it's a part of life and that until I own everything I use I can't be talked to the same as her other readers? Annoyed Youth was simply looking for a way to communicate with her mother without hurting her, and in his or her case it is most likely both their faults.

A.Y. should relize that it's just sortof in the territory of still living at home that it's just what parents do and that she acts that way out of concern for her because she wants to know what she is doing and that everything A.Y. is doing is "healthy' for lack of a better term.

But her mother should also relize that she isn't supposed to be her child's friend or her child's friends' friend before being their mother. ANd that maybe she should try and connect with her mother with just A.Y. first before deciding that she's all buddy buddy with all of their friends.

The kid was being unspeakably rude to her mother - who has very likely been behaving just the way she always has. She didn't care if she hurt her mother or not. Read the letter again.

I don't really care how old you are, you don't get to bark orders at your parents. Too bad, kid, that's just the way it is. I would have handed her a bus pass and told her to have a good time with that. And before you snark at me, I'm old enough to be your mother, and I taught high school. I know whereof I speak.

When you live at home, going to school or not, your parents own the air you breathe. You don't get to make the rules in someone else's house. If you want complete independence, then great. Start paying rent or move out. Then you can make the rules in your own house.

In the case of Annoyed Youth, I completely understand what he or she is talking about. I am a freshman in college, and still don't know how to communicate with my mother. I understand that I am not a mother, so I don't know how to be a parent. However, I do know what NOT to do from watching her. Even though I am her child, I have feelings, and I don't ever try to "boss" her around. That is not at all what is going on. I just try to explain to her that the way she behaves around my friends is different than when it's just the two of us, and I don't want her to be my friends' friends. When I express any negative feelings I have about her, she feels like she is being attacked, and she starts yelling at me. I excitedly read Prudie's response to this collumn looking for a great way to communicate with her, and all I got was the classic, "Get your own house!" line. This was disappointing, and I hope that other young people don't look at this as the only way to solve an ongoing problem with parents. It takes two people in a relationship to make it work.

You are not her "counsellor", you are not her parent, and you do not have the right to tell her how to behave with guests in her own home. Again, if you want to make the rules, move out.

If you are "expressing negative feelings about her" and telling her not to speak to your friends, you are deliberately hurting her feelings and she has every right to get angry with you. don't make any excuses that you didn't mean to do that. You know how she'll respond and you do it anyway - over and over. Don't think you can do this and not have anything come back on you.

Think of it this way. Picture yourself saying the same thing to a friend your own age: "I'm sorry Linda, but Greg is my Physics friend and I don't want you talking to him when we're together. It's too embarrassing to have you around because we're smarter and cooler than you. I can only talk to you when no one else is around."

This is what you're doing to your mother. Grow the f**k up and start behaving like the adult you're pretending to be.

I agree that Prudie's response was unoriginal and unhelpful. There are plenty of steps that the kid (from context, sounds like a guy) could take to move things in the right direction.

I see no evidence that the kid was rude, but of course we don't get a transcript of the conversations. Bottom line is, the kid has to accept the mother's decision and behavior, but he is not out of line to express his feelings about it.

As many other posters have indicated, the mom's behavior could be anything from completely innocuous to borderline psycho. The kid could use some help in recognizing which it is, and negotiating a happy outcome that they both can live with.

I agree with Messy. When the kid is paying her own bills, then she gets to make the rules for her own household.

MessyONE:

Think of it this way. Picture yourself saying the same thing to a friend your own age: "I'm sorry Linda, but Greg is my Physics friend and I don't want you talking to him when we're together. It's too embarrassing to have you around because we're smarter and cooler than you. I can only talk to you when no one else is around."

Yes, this is a very good analogy. This what she is saying to her mom.

Some prettty harsh responses!

There are "moms", "mothers", and women who happen to have born or assumed custody. Most "moms" and "mothers" will respond positively most of the time if a kid asks respectful and with consideration. For instance, "I appreciate your taking us to Chuck's house, Mom. I know how much out of your way that is. However, I really would appreciate it if ..."

My mom would embarass me sometimes, like the time she asked a carful of us what a hickey was. After I explained, she said she was familiar with hickeys, but they just hadn't called it that. After the last girl was dropped off, I asked her if she would mind waiting till no one else was there before asking stuff like that, so they wouldn't think she was uninformed. She agreed. IF I'd said, "That was so embarassing! Don't ever ask my friends anything again!" she would not have.

Yeah boy, those teenagers better grow the fuck up already. Can't have them actually acting like they kids they are or anything.

It is interesting Messy that you still seem to think that kids are nothing more than their parent's playthings. Do you not see the link between your extreme stance of "your parents own you and you have no right to ask them to do anything" and an abused kid? Not saying that this particular kid is abused but you are basically advocating for that.

All them dang 8 year olds better go get a job and get out of the house so daddy will stop beating them because we sure the heck wouldn't want daddy being told that his behavior was wrong by some snot nosed little kid. Might injure his precious feelings...

I think this one is too hard to call without knowing more, and I do think Prudie was a bit quick with the "Pay rent, move out or stop complaining" response, as much as I believe in the principle that parents have almost 100% of the rights in the parent/child equation.

I would have like to see her address it more productively, maybe by noting the stupidity of the kid's assertion that his mom "takes it personally."

How else do you take it when someone says, "you're loud, obnoxious and embarrassing. No offense." That is about as personal as it gets.

Still, the mom may be a nightmare straight out of a Mad TV skit whose behavior the kid hasn't really explained fully.

Are you deliberately thick, or do you just think it's fun to wilfully ignore the intent of a statement? Or is it just me? If so, why am I so important to you that you feel the need to follow me around? You're making me feel so special!

You might not like it, but the deal that Messy has laid out is what "Annoyed" will very shortly be hearing from his college, his job, his banker and his government. Teenage angst is real, along with an exquisite sensitivity to well, everything. Confirming their over reactions is just setting them up with a pretty skewed view of the world. It's cold.

It's the job of adults to deflate the overdramatization and put "problems" like this in perspective and teach them that they have the ability to solve their own problems; either through action or...philosophy. Please do it before they arrive with their entitlement attituide as intern at my workplace, or I will. If you think this is abuse you really need to toughen up. If you feel that some injury has really been done to this kid you need to click back to the real news and compare....

lacymuw:

I am a freshman in college, and still don't know how to communicate with my mother.

First, decide what you want/how you feel. Then figure out whether it is reasonable. If it is reasonable, talk to your mother in a polite fashion about what your want/how you feel. At that point, the balls in her court. If she doesn't change, then you have to decide to either put up and shut up, or go off on your own. This is a valuable skill for dealing with relationships.

lacymuw:

I just try to explain to her that the way she behaves around my friends is different than when it's just the two of us, and I don't want her to be my friends' friends.

Doesn't everyone act differently depending on who is around? Parents still have the natural human desire to be liked by others. Your mom wants to be liked by your friends. It's pretty natural.

lacymuw:

I excitedly read Prudie's response to this collumn looking for a great way to communicate with her, and all I got was the classic, "Get your own house!" line.

Were you honestly expecting good advice from an advice columnist?!? That's simply not going to happen. Even if the columnist were writing with the idea of dispensing real advice and not for entertainment, every situation is different and the devil is in the details. The way I learned to deal with my mother may not work for you because your mom is different. This is why parenting is difficult. What works for one kid might fail on the next.

That being said, as an adult you really don't have a lot of options besides deciding to put up with it, argue a lot, or get your own place.

What was the intent of the statement Messy? You've been all over the board in the last week yelling about how kids have no rights. That is a pretty black and white statement. You are telling kids that they have to suffer without any qualifications on that statement or interest in what they are actually suffering. So if you don't like the way that plays out in different settings perhaps you should learn to actually pay attention to what you are writing instead of just focusing on how you can beat down your next victim.

Oh and I'm glad I'm making you feel special. I understand you really don't have much in your life that gives you a sense of self worth, other than this board and your personal trainer....

Jealous much, stalker mine?

It was the trainer crack that tipped me off, by the way...but it all makes sense now.

It's about money, right?

Oh, you don't have to answer, it's just nice to get to the bottom of things.

Omg yes, I'm so incredibly jealous of you. How will I ever live? LOL.

Care to actually answer the point or does this attempt at distraction mean that you have no answer? I'm betting on the latter.