I think you really missed the boat regarding the letter from "Sad and Perplexed". Her daughter was undoubtedly rude. Assuming your mother will be a free babysitter without asking, leaving without saying goodbye, and calling her to let her know you're going to visit but not spend much time with her again are all incredibly rude. But instead of taking the daughter to task for her lack of consideration, you chose to attack her character, based on absolutely nothing that I can see in the letter. She and a girlfriend went out drinking two nights and got drunk both times. Why is this unallowable behavior in otherwise responsible adults? There was no mention in the letter of problems in her marriage, and there was certainly no mention of her doing anything other than drinking. And yet somehow her mother calls this "slutty" and you, instead of taking the mother to task, chime in that this is "trampy" behavior. Maybe my dictionary is wrong, but both of those words are used to describe someone who's sleeping around, which the letter gives absolutely no evidence of. So you somehow manage to make an adult who is responsibly enjoying a blow-off-steam evening out with a friend sound like she's destroying her marriage. I find both your tone and your language choices disappointing, and would expect to see a judegmental response like this in a 1950s morality scare film, not a usually well-reasoned advice column in the year 2008.

I was also incensed by this judgmental outdated view (apple doesn't fall far from the tree, Margo??). I think the lawyers call it "assuming facts not in evidence."

Anyway, after I clicked to compose my reply, I read Molly's response above, and I realize I need add nothing. Well done, Molly.

I have to say, I have been feeling like this column doesn't really reflect my views, or those of anyone I know, for that matter. Not that I need my own opinions parroted back to me, but I like to think that I will re-think my positions on issues based on logic and CURRENT mores.

More and more, I read this column and am in dangerof passing out because my eyes have rolled so far back in my head. I think it's time to say goodbye....

I completely agree with everything you've said.

MsMolly - for real, you think that a married woman going out of town with a SINGLE friend to go bar hopping isn't a little suspect? What side of niavity did you wake up on. You know the single girl was trolling, or being trolled. It's a situation fraught with temptation and danger, one that I wouldn't appreciate my wife putting herself in. Definately a little hanky-panky was going on. It even sounds so planned, they have the kids for cover, and I bet ol hubby thinks they stayed at moms and played monopoly.

LEERO:

MsMolly - for real, you think that a married woman going out of town with a SINGLE friend to go bar hopping isn't a little suspect? What side of niavity did you wake up on. You know the single girl was trolling, or being trolled. It's a situation fraught with temptation and danger, one that I wouldn't appreciate my wife putting herself in. Definately a little hanky-panky was going on. It even sounds so planned, they have the kids for cover, and I bet ol hubby thinks they stayed at moms and played monopoly.

I think you are to something. I would bet you are right.

She9she - Mores/principals and right and wrong don't move. Only humans that want to see them from a different angle, probably an angle that makes your life a little easier and un-encumbered by "mores".

Are we sure the daughter did nothing wrong? Both of them got drunk -- I bet one of them was a drunk driver.

Did mom handle it aIs welll as she could have? No.

Mom needs to set expectations with her daughter. She could tell her daughter that on weekend X, she'd be happy to watch the kids so she can go have a "girls night" and get sloppy drunk. (okay -- don't say the sloppy drunk part.) Or that she can watch the kids on one of the nights, but not both.

Frankly, I think her daughter is looking for a cheap babysitter so she can go get drunk. This is not mature behavior.

LEERO:

It's a situation fraught with temptation and danger, one that I wouldn't appreciate my wife putting herself in.

Hmmm...doesn't want her to do anything that might put her in danger...

By any chance; have you left your wife and kids for your high school girlfriend and are now fond of 2-hour waterboarding sessions about her past?

hmmm...let's see, doesn't see her mother often enough, stays out late/drunk both nights, leaves without saying goodbye (i.e., failing to express gratitude), becomes irate when her mother objects to the behavior. while the sexual behavior has not been exposed, she exhibits serious lack of judgment and responsibility that one would expect from a grown woman with children. so, inappropriate sexual behavior here would surprise you?? everyone loves to blow off steam, but not to the detriment of family members.

Mom's account may be skewed a bit by her resentment. She remembers "late" and "drunk" but that might mean "11 p.m." and "two glasses of wine."

MsMolly's post is very good.

But for me the best part of this letter is the outrage and indignation on the part of the selfish, inconsiderate and user daughter upon being called out on her behaviour, flipping out, accusing Mom of being "judgemental" and then threatening to withhold the grandchildren from her Mom.

Nice!

Perhaps this parent is/can be a little judgemental, but I think Prudie is right that Mom shares some responsibility for the selfish monster she raised.

athena8:

everyone loves to blow off steam, but not to the detriment of family members.

The letters to DP seem to indicate that people love to blow off steam, especially to the detriment of family members.

mermaid33 - Gee, I hadn't thought of that. Man after 33 years of marriage (showing my age) you would think I could come up with a "good" idea like that. I only recall my own wife going out with the "girls". seems some dude wanted to do some blow out in the parking lot in his car. Naturally she left quickly..too quickly and got a speeding ticket. Thankfully the cop gave her a pass on drunk driving. That just about put an end (her choosing) to "girls" night out.

I agree with Molly and would like to add one more comment along the same lines.

I don't read this column often for the same reason someone else mentioned (the advice is usually out of touch with not only today's morals but reality in general), but I do remember a small brouhaha a few months back where Prudie got a lot of backlash for encouraging people to get married and settle down. After so many people hammered her for being too tradionalist and scolding her that marriage is not a panacea to society's woes, Prudie backed off a bit and basically said "Marriage is a good idea and people should consider it."

This letter is a good example of something I see all the time in my age group (late 20s) where people married young and then feel restless shortly thereafter. Obviously some people get married at age 18 and have long, happy, monogamous marriages, but more often than not I see people just feel trapped and restless. Some people work through it, some people don't, and others subvert marriage altogether by cheating on spouses and abandoning their families.

Usually it's something in the middle where they feel like they didn't get all the partying out of their systems and grew up too quickly. This girl is probably making up for time she never had to dance, drink, get some attention, and generally have fun with friends. Molly's right that the incident in this letter showed a lot of inconsiderate behaviors, but nothing out of the ordinary or particularly irresponsible for people her age.

Prudie can't have it both ways encouraging people to get married because it settles them down and then get, well, prudish when young couples feel they married too soon and want to have some fun once in a while. Even if they were 45, what's wrong with finding a sitter and having a night out alone? My opinion is most people marry way too soon because people like Prudie encourage them to do so.

"What side of niavity did you wake up on. You know the single girl was trolling, or being trolled. It's a situation fraught with temptation and danger"

Riiiight. Because clearly, two women couldn't possibly just want to go out and have some drinks and enjoy each other's company. While you may have a very dim view or experience of women, many of us actually have great friendships and don't simply use them as an excuse to go out and "troll." And, thankfully, we have husbands who are grown up enough to not be threatened by the fact that we have such good friendships. When I go out with my girlfriends, we talk about our lives, our families, current events, movies, whatever. We laugh and get silly and have a good time. Some of us are married and some are single, but we're there to see each other, not to scope out some loser at a bar.