A child born in my hospital by the name of Anakin Vader R________ . I am not making this up. Little bastard tried to use the Force voice on me today - luckily, he's not too good with actual words yet, so he succeeded only in turning the infant in the crib next to him to a smoking green puddle of goo. Dick Cheney showed up around lunchtime to claim him and begin his training in earnest.

OK, but I really didn't make up the part about the name, and I think it borders on child abuse. An otherwise normal child's entire horizon has been artificially constricted by a direct and intentional action of his parents - you know you will never see the presidency of Anakin Vader Anything. His parents might as well budget extra money for underwear, because you can go ahead and book little A.V.'s calendar now for a wedgie each and every day of junior high school.

I mention this because this phenomenon is widely underestimated in its impact - this kind of calamity dims the futures of thousands of children each year, draining the potential and possibilities from countless U.S. citizens' lives. You can pretend that this will go away. You can act like it is an isolated problem that occurs only among those possessing a chromosome count that is a prime number. Sorry to rain on the parade, but it is everywhere. Confused about that name? Try reading it backwards. Yes, as of 2006 that was the 43rd most popular girl's name in America. I don't doubt that the number will be higher for 2007.

This is a national-security issue, as other countries have long since cleaned up their naming infrastructure and will use this to chip away at the economic and military advantage currently enjoyed by the United States. Oh, sure, you get the occasional "Graeme" sneaking through, a "Slobodan" here or there, and China will always be handicapped by the fact that it has Wangs coming out of the ying-yang. But you are whistling past the graveyard if you think that other nations haven't seen this opportunity and aren't working on ways to use it to their advantage. Britain, in fact, has recently launched the Strataegic Naming Initiative, which consists mainly of naming large numbers of little boys "Max Power" and "Dick Strong"; results have been mixed thus far, but it is only a matter of time before they hit upon a combination that gives them a truly unassailable nomenclatural advantage. And the moment that happens, you know the queen is going to march her men right back over here, reassert her sovereign authority over our shores, and force us to name our children Alastair to ensure our perpetual inability to reassert ourselves.

I love my country, and I am prepared to do whatever possible to defend her, but I will need your help. I have begun working on a comprehensive plan to address the issue - it involves everything from clandestinely changing birth certificates to slipping birth-control agents into the food of parents who prove to be repeat offenders. But it is the sort of thing that needs national attention and cabinet-level oversight. A national naming-alert system could notify authorities quickly, sometimes even before a birth certificate was finalized, to the presence of a name that would cause its bearer crippling embarrassment or limit him/her to employment in a single field (e.g. Destiny as a predestining marker for a career in sartorial divestiture). And equally important is the establishment of a rehabilitative framework - the capacity for renaming the large numbers of malappellated individuals already in our society, as well as retraining them with coping skills that will help them to adjust to life after shedding the title of Percy Francis Hedgecock Hartingsworth the Fifth.

Our nation's destiny...er...survival hangs in the balance. Do not let me down, my fellow Americans. Lobby your congressperson and Senators. Organize locally and write to your local paper and television stations. And most importantly, look for my lead. You will know the moment when it arrives, and we must seize it together. Until then, I remain

Yours,

Lance Woodcock

When I was a little kid, one of my best friends was named Mark Woodcock. Too young then to snicker about it. He and his family moved from Manhattan to Nyack, NY or thereabouts. Loved the guy, but his mother made me eat smelts one time. Didn't visit over there so much after that. We put out a little newspaper in 5th grade. He had a little rotary press with rubber type. Very cool for 10 year olds. Haven't thought about him in many years. Thanks.

We had a broker once that was taking our company public. His name was Bob Snowball. I kid you not. If you like Bob and Tom, check out their song, "Paging Big Dick Smoker", its a riot.

Lance~

Moon Unit Zappa

Dweezil Zappa

Blanket Jackson

Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette

Zolten Jillette

Frank's dead so we can't go after him. Michael's better alive than dead, so let's leave him alone. And Penn Jillette is one of my favorite people on earth.

....so we need to make exceptions.

Way back when, I used to call my girlfriend's roommate "Vader" based on her charming style. She was just a hair domineering and vindictive (we didn't get on so well), but it was only a nickname.

Elsewhere in the world, it's no better than here.

Zoltan is a perfectly servicable Hungarian name.

ZoltEn Jillette.

Prussian perhaps, or maybe Martian (knowing Penn, I'm going with the latter.)

...you know you will never see the presidency of Anakin Vader Anything.

Three words: Barack Hussein Obama

Besides, his name isn't connected to an entire geeky subculture like the Star Wars groupies. His middle name only calls to mind a mass-murdering dictator. And geekiness trumps genocide every day and twice on Sunday.

Besides, "Ba-ROCK" just sounds so macho that it sort of cancels out. And Obama is practically Irish anyway, so one could just suppose that he was named when his parents were drinking heavily.

if that child comes in for the same kind of abuse as will little Anakin Vader. On the one hand, it is an utterly foreign-sounding name in his local context; on the other hand, he is named after the "first black U.S. president," so it might really be the Kenyan equivalent of "Max Power." Gotta remember to Google this guy in about 25 years.

You're probably right about some exceptions being necessary. I volunteer to be the sole arbiter of all exceptions granted. All in the name of national security and duty to country, of course. I'm a patriot, after all.

Not to fret. There are ways to cover up the mistakes of parents. One can go by there initial, like our former Mayor A. V. Sorenson, or he could go by "Nick". Pretty mainstream. But I agree, it is better to avoid this kind of potential problem in the first place.

Even a benign name like Dallas has been the butt of many tasteless jokes over the years, but no wedgies.

multiple takes on this:

I once met a man through work whose dad had been an OB/GYN in a small Southern community. Dr. Dad apparently was appalled at the stupidity of many and waited patiently for someone just dumb enough to ask him about names. Accordingly, when a particularly uneducated person asked him for suggestions for naming her twin boys, he said, try Lemongelo and Orangelo (as in Lemon Jello and Orange Jello). His evil plan evidently succeeded and 2 very sad little kids owe their misery to him.

Also, from the bad names files of my youth (everyone of them true)

Kelly Green

Mary Berry

David David

Connell O'Donnell

Ronald McDonald

I could go on, but some of them are probably around and could kill me.

I've always wondered what in the hell parents are thinking.

Thinking, I mean. My wife had a patient named Stop, presumably something his mother shouted out during his delivery. And I have to admit, I wouldn't be thinking many rational thoughts at that moment either.

But some of the names I've seen strike me as quite premeditated - speaking either to calculated malice or thoughtless "hey, wouldn't this be funny?"

Establish a Department of Names, and pronto. And then, instead of a drug czar or an intelligence czar, I could be the DON Don.

Ima Hogg

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