Ok, about the dog grooming. What kind of dog is it? Some breeds need grooming. I guess you could do it at home, but you'd probably make a huge mess and cut the dog 6 times with the clippers. Dad and the kids are excited about the new dog and saw the grooming trip as a fun outing. I thought you said money was better lately? Also- $60? I remember paying $75 for a shnauzer grooming in the 80's! Cut Dad some slack.

Also, your appearance. I'm trying to be delicate, here, as I understand society hands women some very confused and I think ill-intentioned messages about these things, but even *especially* after you've had kids, your appearance is still important. Yeah, I know what society says about the eclipsing priority of those kids, but ignore society on this one. Your appearance is still important. I may get shouted down on this one, but I think it comes somewhere between a roof over your head and the 2nd or 3rd lesson or activity for the kids.

If you're in that tight of a spot financially, cut the cable connection. But keep cutting your hair at a salon. Keep hitting the gym. And occasionally, oh, half-yearly or so? Go to Nordstrom. If it's been awhile since you shopped, go see the personal shopper, it dosen't cost extra. Nordstrom is pricier, but the quality is much higher, so your wardrobe pieces don't wear out. Buy classic, so they also don't go out of style, and you're set.

Your kids benefit from having a happy Mom. Now go forth and make appointments.

You can always tell those people who've never been truly poor.

Look, this may not be something you are familiar with but sometimes you can cut the cable bill and everything else that is possible to cut and still have a hard time keeping that roof over your head. It isn't a choice between a $20 hair cut and that fourth lesson for the kids. Its a choice between that $20 hair cut and being able to pay the gas bill on time. Unfortunately in that situation you've got pay the gas bill or you rack up late fees and get even further behind next month.

At one point I had a grocery budget of $10 per week for two people. A salon hair cut just isn't feasible at that point no matter how important appearance is.

I suspect that they aren't as poor as you are describing, or they wouldn't have gotten the dog in the first place.

A woman can go to SuperCuts and get a nice haircut for $15 bucks twice a year. I understand money being tight, and not feeling right about spending on yourself. My family is in that exact financial situation. BUT denying yourself any "luxury" on your own accord and then taking offense when the husband takes proper care of the dog you mutually decided on is wrong. Plus, I don't think you should have to live like a martyr just because you are poor. Shop consignment stores, look at craigslist and eBay...you can get nice clothes for way cheap. Get a cheap, decent haircut twice a year. A little bit can go a long way towards self-esteem.

Besides, I thought the LW said they were now in a more comfortable financial position, which is why they got the dog in the first place.

SusanM, I hear where you're coming from, but the LW herself essentially framed the issue as "expensive dog grooming vs. hair salon," rather than "expensive dog grooming vs. groceries."

It sounds like her husband is clueless about what she's been giving up over the years. He's maybe a little giddy about having some extra money kicking around, and he's forgetting that that extra money doesn't just belong to him; it's up to both of them to decide how it's spent, with fair attention to her desires as well as his.

They got the dog because finances have improved, which means that yes she can probably now go get a haircut. I was referring more to the OP's claim that money is never so tight that you should neglect your appearance.

SusanM:

They got the dog because finances have improved, which means that yes she can probably now go get a haircut. I was referring more to the OP's claim that money is never so tight that you should neglect your appearance.

I remember those days when the kids got haricuts thanks to the free coupon on the back of the WIC-eligible cereal boxes. And my oldest daughter carefully evened out the ends of my [by then very] long hair. We got a low-maintenance pet around that time. He ate generic dry food and was our one vice, since I neither drank nor smoked. We had no cable to cut.

However, if the LW is past that point, she needs to get out of the poverty mindset. Not go out an blow everything (like on "Little People", where he blew the savings with 40 changes to the remodelling, which they finally had to abandon.) However, you can get nice, new clothing from the clearance rack, and as someone pointed out, you can get an inexpensive haircut.

Perhaps she has been getting the inexpensive haircuts, but wants the pampering of a nicer place. My mother's luxury, with about 8-10 mouths to feed at the time, was her weekly or bi-weekly trips to the beauty college. Sometimes she got a rather unusual "do", but it could usually be fixed on the next visit.

Its pretty obvious she has spent the last few years sacrificing things she has wanted and her thick husband hasn't gotten her anything nice but he spent $60 on the dog's(which she never wanted) haircut so now she's going to spend the rest of her life making his life miserable.

Hey Physics? They may well have been that poor, and that mindset is hard to move out of. Ever noticed the tendency of older people (especially ones who grew up during the Depression or were put in Concentration Camps) to hoard things? That's the same thing: "I'd better hold onto this--there might be a point where i can't get any and I NEVER want to go without again."

So Biff, are you divorced from a psycho or just misogynistic in general?

alldenwall:

Ok, about the dog grooming. What kind of dog is it?

Myself I was wondering more what kind of groomer is it? That is, is it a hot little 21-year-old who looks good after years of what sounds like a depressed wife with low self-esteem (however merited due to her situation)?

Well, no, I've never had a $10 grocery budget. I've had to put groceries on a credit card a few times, though, does that qualify me to talk about priorities and mental sets, or do I have to have bad credit too?

If the LW absolutely can't afford a haircut, that's different. That's not what she's saying, though. She's mad because she's sacrificed for years and her husband isn't sharing that mentality, even now that money has become less tight.

2nd half of Biff's post not withstanding, it does seem that she's a little upset that her years of sacrifice aren't being appreciated or emulated. It makes me wonder who asked her to sacrifice that stuff in the first place. I'm also suggesting that she may not be that fun to be around with a mindset like that, and advising her to put down the cross.

And, finally, I really don't think it's very often necessary to "neglect your appearance" anymore than it is to neglect your health. I think the two are related, and I think they are worth priority in your life. I think alot of Moms who neglect themselves are listening to messsages along the lines of..."You have kids now, its not about you anymore." Take a look at the name calling in Prudie's response to the Mom of the bar-hopping 30-something for an example of that kind of insidious crap. (I had issues with her, too, I'm just taking exception to Prudie's conclusions).

discriminatemuch:

Ever noticed the tendency of older people (especially ones who grew up during the Depression or were put in Concentration Camps) to hoard things?

My son's great-grandmother, a Russian Jew, spent time in Bergen-Belsen. When she died we found over 1500 cans of tuna in her apartment.

It's not just Depression or Concentration Camps, either -- my parents were small children in England during WWII. My mom tends to hoard fabric, canned goods and toilet paper, things that were pretty hard to come by during that time.

Back to the subject - I think the LW made the decision, based on circumstances, to forego things like expensive haircuts. She didn't tell her husband, or bitch and moan about it, so now he's forgotten she used to have those things. Her husband doesn't realize she's doing without, so he thought that "extra" money could be used on a pet. She needs to make it clear to him that it's not "extra" money - it's money she has made available by doing without, and now she doesn't want to do without anymore.

My husband is the same way. I went for several years without a decent haircut, and when I finally got one, he said Wow, that looks great. Then he realized how much it cost, and he was appalled. So I just pointed out how much I had saved by not having them for several years, and that he should appreciate the savings not complain about the cost. (It was less than $50, BTW).

sir biff:

Its pretty obvious she has spent the last few years sacrificing things she has wanted and her thick husband hasn't gotten her anything nice ...

Perhaps she told him not to spend money on her. Some women do. especially if the husband is the generous sort and money it tight.