I've seen a lot of folks asking how/why women let themselves get into the type of relationships described in the first letter, and since I went through this with my first marriage, I figured I would try to lend some insight.

Obviously the abuser never starts out so creepy at the beginning of the relationship. That would just scare the woman away. Instead, they usually start out with flowery professions of undying love, "I've never felt this way about anyone before", "I'm so lucky to be with someone like you" etc.

Next, they start in with the odd "quirks," small things that they ask the woman to do or not do, usually couched in terms of something that the abuser's "evil ex" did to them. They are usually small things that seem fairly insignificant (like the brand of toothpaste you use). The abuser may even admit that it's pretty weird, but it's such a small thing to do for his comfort, after all, he doesn't want to be reminded of anything negative from his past now that he's with his one true love. This will continue on until the woman becomes fairly accustomed to accommodating unusual requests from the abuser. Then the trouble starts.

Now, keep in mind that the woman at this point is completely convinced of the love that the abuser has for her and no longer thinks it odd to accommodate strange requests from him. Also remember that the strange requests are usually phrased in terms of something uncomfortable from the abuser's past, and that the woman has the ability to change. Sometime in this timeframe, the abuser will begin to exhibit problems with controlling his temper, in very, very small ways at first. He will explain his behavior in terms of how someone else's actions "made" him react in a bad way. At first it will sound very reasonable. After all, who hasn't become upset at something someone else did at some point in their life. Gradually, the abuser's outbursts will become more violent and be triggered by smaller things.

The abuser will also start limiting the woman's contact with the outside world. He'll convince her that her family doesn't have her best interests in mind. He will probably have fights with some of her family members. The family members will start distancing themselves from the woman to avoid these outbursts and the abuser will convince the woman that the fights just prove that her family is unreasonable and are trying to break up the relationship. Next, he'll express how "uncomfortable" it makes him feel for her to have any contact with other men. Male coworkers, male neighbors, even male waiters at restaurants become forbidden for the woman to interact with. Cutting off contact with anyone outside the relationship is accomplished with a combination of threats and violent outbursts coupled with apologies and excuses that the abuser wouldn't have lost his temper if the woman had just done what he asked. She becomes convinced that she is the one responsible for his bad temper.

At this point the cycle of abuse is firmly in place. The woman can't "just leave him" because she is convinced that she is the one to blame for the situation. That if she can just be a little more "perfect" then everything would be ok. After all, the abuser is such a wonderful person when she's not making him angry. She has nobody left to point out to her that the situation is unhealthy.

I hope that helps to explain how these situations occur and how even smart, independent women can get themselves tangled up in these abusive relationships.

Hey Merianya,

Thank you for the great explanation--I don't think that I'd asked the question of "why?" in today's Fray, but I'll be the first to admit that I surely thought it. Your explanation, obviously, makes all the sense in the world. What a shame, though, that it happens so frequently. :-(

Wonder why more women don't employ these same tactics on men? Probably some do? I ask because, based on your explanation, it sounds like it's much less the threat of physical violence (as I would have imagined, and which would make more sense coming from the males in a relationship who are typically physically stronger), and much more a subtle-but-constant psychological attack.

Wow . . .

I think I need a really hot shower to scrub away those bad memories.

This was me to a T and my only difference is that when it got really nuts, I KNEW it wasn't right. Unfortunately by then he had successfully cut off ties with my friends and family. When I found out I was pregnant I didn't care if they wanted me back or not. I couldn't subject my child to him.

I had some pre-crazy man friends that were completely shocked that I would have gotten into this kind of relationship. You're completely on track that it doesn't start out like that. He played into everyone of my insecurities and doubts.

Soooo glad that chapter is over! Hopefully you don't have much contact with your ex anymore.

Usually abusive men combine the two. Women don't tend to resort to violence, but it's certainly been known to happen.

The key is that the abuser has to ensure that nothing he (I'm using "he" because it's more often men than women that fit this particular pattern) is not responsible for anything he does.

For example, if he stays out all night drinking and she complains about it, he'll attack her and say that her complaining is why he "had" to go out drinking. If she catches him screwing around, it's her fault, and on and on. It won't end there, either.

This tactic only works if he goes on the full offensive, not stopping until she's crying and apologising. Eventually, he won't have to do this, because he's trained her to take the blame automatically.

They also tend to phrase things in absolutes, like "you never" and "you always". She forgets to do something, he'll come back with "you never think of me, only yourself". Threats of suicide are common, and he'll make sure that she knows it's because of something she did.

As for isolating the victim, you'd be surprised at how easy it can be. When the LW says that her boyfriend wants to "keep her safe", that's probably exactly what he said. As in, "Honey, I don't think you should go grocery shopping alone any more. There are too many weirdos around."

Abusers like this can chip away at a person until there's nothing left but compliance. Scary, eh?

Absolutely terrifying. :-( Any thoughts on what to do if you're a friend or family member of a woman fully immersed in a situation like this?

And thank you, MessyONE, for a great answer!

No contact with him for several years now. He immediately stopped all stalker-ish behavior when I pulled a gun on him and told him that any move by him that didn't involve him getting the f*** away from me would result in his death, possibly painful. His survival instincts kicked in and I haven't had any dealing with him since the divorce.

I count myself so fortunate that I managed to get away as soon as I did (only together for 5 years). I was in a really bad car accident. Fortunately no one was badly injured, but it made me face my own mortality. I decided that that wasn't how I wanted to live the rest of my life.

yes abusive relationships can start that way. and yes the guy in letter 1 is overly controlling.

that said, "no", not every guy who is acutely interested in the sexual experience of his partner is going to turn into a wife beater.

the sort of top post you put up is what gets published in "dear abby" (now run by jean something or another). whenever jean prints a letter about a controlling boyfriend, the next week she has to publish a dozen letters warning that he's about to beat her to death and she should run away.

i've been with any number of guys who were social awkward, overly questioning, sexually insecure, jealous etc . . . and never been hit.

someone will now say "you had good luck - thank goodness you got out in time."

my response will be that "not all dogs that bark will end up biting you, and putting them all to death rather than working on the barking problem will and you in trouble with the SPCA"

get it?

SmagBoy1:

Absolutely terrifying. :-( Any thoughts on what to do if you're a friend or family member of a woman fully immersed in a situation like this?

About all you can do is make sure she know's you're there for her and be available to help her when things fall apart. As sad as it is, I don't think it's possible to convince someone in a relationship like that just how dangerouse and unhealthy it is. I know that if anyone had tried to tell me that I was in an abusive relationship at the time, I would have reacted about the same way as someone who was just told that water isn't wet. There is no way I would have believed it. In the end, I had to convince myself. I was fortunate to have a couple of "secret" friends from work who could help me in extracting myself from the situation.

There isn't a heck of a lot you can do except try and maintain some sort of contact and let the person know that you're available. If you're a good friend, then the abuser already sees you as a threat and will work extra hard to make sure that your friend sees it that way, too.

On thing you should NEVER do is berate the person. If she calls you in tears over something he's done, the one thing you don't want to do is ask why the hell she's still there and why doesn't she leave. Instead, you have to listen and say something like, "You know how I feel about this. You also know that if there's anything you need me to do to help, I will."

If she feels that she has to defend her abuser to you, you've lost any hope that she'll come to you for help. She isn't looking for someone to criticise her choice, only to back her up if she decides to take action.

Now, you have to realize that if she does run, and the guy is dangerous, you're taking the same risk she is. He will blame you, and he could hurt you. If he's willing to do physical harm to someone he professes to care about, hurting you is nothing. Don't be a hero. Get her to a shelter.

It's a bitch of a situation, isn't it? I drove one friend to her court dates and made sure we arrived either after he was in the room or well before he got there. I made sure the bailiff kept him in the room until we were well away, too. He didn't like it, but she couldn't risk him catching her alone. We used different parking lots and always drove in my car, because he had never seen it before.

For the rest, you're on the sidelines. The only thing that you can do is wait and hope that she'll come to you if she needs help.

baltimore aureole:

the sort of top post you put up is what gets published in "dear abby" (now run by jean something or another). whenever jean prints a letter about a controlling boyfriend, the next week she has to publish a dozen letters warning that he's about to beat her to death and she should run away.

<shrug> The point of my original post wasn't to say anything one way or the other with regards to the first letter today, but intended as an explanation for anyone who has ever wondered "why doesn't she just leave him?" or "how can anyone let themselves get into a situation like that?"

Merianya:

baltimore aureole:

the sort of top post you put up is what gets published in "dear abby" (now run by jean something or another). whenever jean prints a letter about a controlling boyfriend, the next week she has to publish a dozen letters warning that he's about to beat her to death and she should run away.

<shrug> The point of my original post wasn't to say anything one way or the other with regards to the first letter today, but intended as an explanation for anyone who has ever wondered "why doesn't she just leave him?" or "how can anyone let themselves get into a situation like that?"

And a good explanation it was, Merianya. I too, have been guilty of wondering why the woman doesn't just leave him. Also some of us forget that when a woman decides to leave the abusers sometimes threaten to kill them. That threat causes enough fear to make some women stay.

Messy you hit it on the head. The abuser will regularly threaten to kill themselves letting the abusee know that the blood will be on their hands. If the abusee ever gets to the point of not caring if the abuser is dead they will regularly threaten those close to them.

For whatever reason my ex never threatened me, he threatened my parents and brother when I finally told him "If you're going to kill yourself, go ahead".

Advice for those watching loved ones in this situation, I think people here have already given good advice. Don't constantly criticize him or her but let your feelings be known so that when she's finally ready to make a stand she thinks of you. "Secret" friends are almost necessary because he will try to find you if you help.

After I left, my ex called one of my friends pretending to be my dad, demanding to know where his "daughter" is.

I'm not saying this is the LW's bf. But this is where it "could" go.

Actually, my own first thought was "OCD."

His constant need for details and reassurances about the same matter over and over and his compulsive manner at constantly digging for information on something insignificant which he places irrational value on is a classic symptom. And that's not armchair analysis there. Just as you have first-hand experience with an abusive relationship, I do with OCD.

Both patterns start out with obsessions. Except OCD isn't about abusive violence.

At this stage of the game, she needs to find out where the patterns of his thought processes are rooted. Potential abuse or an extreme anxiety disorder.

My father spent 34 years threatening to kill himself if he wasn't obeyed. My mother fell for it. My answer to him was always "don't make a mess."

Wouldn't you know, when the miserable jerk finally did it, he made a hell of a mess. Sigh.

People like us, who have been around these types of abusers can see them from miles off. It just makes us more frustrated when we see someone falling for their nonsense.