LW #1 - Tell your folks your giving up whitemeat entirely - hand them your hot blondie's phone number and tell them you never want to hear from her again. Say that you've truly found yourself, and that you are really in love with a 17 year-old Pakistani manboy. But, you've used the white chick as a cover because you didn't want your twink taking grief at the Mosque...

...as soon as the dot on your Momma's forehead stops spinning, they'll be inviting whitemeat over for a grilled steak dinner!

LW #2 - Slip some datura into Kelly's gurana...wait 15 minutes...try to control your laughter.

LW #3 - Rent a room. Once your itch is scratched, take the time to realize that nobody else gives a rats ass if you and you ex remarry.

BUT, spare us all any sob story break-up reruns when you remember why you idiots got divorced in the first place.

HOWEVER, you're always welcome at the Noggin's Lair...you'll find plenty of used cars in the parking lot, if ya know what I mean - and Dick makes house calls if you ever need a backdoor man. 'Nuff said?

LW #4 - It all really depends on which hand you wipe your ass with, doesn't it?

Dick, you're really a dick this week, and that's a good thing.

Inviting LW#3 over for some action is just, well, nasty. You know why they invented eleven-foot poles, right? I guess you do, but that's the kind of woman the guys are talking about when they say "Not even with your dick", Dick.

Now Tonto, my old friend...I knew you might be sensitive to this advice - given your ethnic heritage and all...

BUT, Dick doesn't care why they made 11 foot poles - the only thing Dick knows is God made this 10 inch pole for a reason!

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I know that Richard Pryor said there's no such thing as bad "stuff" but there's a lot of better "stuff" out there.

Enjoy yourself, friend, and don't tell me about those sores that show up in a few weeks. Better yet, put a formal jacket on Mr. Johnson for the occasion. I like the better "stuff" if you know what I mean; I choose quality over quantity. Some of that stuff would be worse than eating pork, for goodness sake. Oy!

They're ain't no bad stuffin' Tonto -

Hell, I just got down with some crazy ass toad chicks...ain't no warts on this stool!