Help Me Dick!
Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away...but then I asked my old/new/old lady about her sexual past. See Dick, she was my first back in high school, we separated and got married, now's she's divorced and misses the six inch serenade. Sure I'll pay some alimony and child support, but at least I'll know she NEEDS me...
In any case, she finally opened up about the time she gang banged the football team while we were dating,... and then about those days in the early '90's when she listened to Belly and went through her lesbian stage in College, ... and then about the times she did BDSM with the local police chief... and, about how she tea bagged the former Governor of New York... how she snorted Keith and Mick's "Dad"....about her time with Long Dong John Silver...her days spent as an intern in the White House "sharing' cigars ... the hours she whiled away with Roger Clemens when she was 15... her moments of rapture with my best friend...
Dick, I just can't get it up any more without her stories. Do I have a problem?
- Your Best Friend, Tiny Slim
Limpin' TS,
You and the little lady need to establish boundaries. Dick does this with all his old ladies - I explain that it's not cheating if I'm doing her best friend, I am just sharing and trying to understand HER needs.
Now, mind the boundaries Boy, don't come over here to pick up your old lady until 10 o'clock tonight. I need time to do my research to help both you and your old lady understand my your needs.
Don't forget to pick up a six pack on your way over. And go listen to some Buck Cherry.
Richard,
I'm 18, a young man now, and on my way off to college. I need to be free of commitments so I can sow my wild oats. So, I finally got the courage to tell my 16 year old sophomore girl friend it's over at the end of summer (but I'll go to her junior prom, heh, heh). Did I play this cool or what?
- Jethro Bush
Hello Einstein,
It's May...end of summer is August...I guess any asshole can get a high school diploma these days. Remember Dick's High School motto: A Bird in the Bush is worth two in your Hand!
Damn, I think Dick's young nephew in ninth grade is chattin' up your sunshine brother...
Dear Dick,
15 month tour and I'm coming home for 18 days - and every body wants a piece of me. I just want to be close, see them smile and sleep in a warm bed, then wake up near the people I care about.
- Tired GI
Props Brother,
They just miss you and want to show you (in their own crazy ass way) how they care. Take it for what's it's really worth - this whole goddam country owes you a debt we can never repay... good luck and God Bless.
Dear Noggin'
Me and the girls at the office are writing you because your so smart. Well this snotty bitch at work thinks she's too damn good to wear sweats and jeans on Friday like the rest of us. Instead, she comes in wearing a dress!!!! AND, the slut has the nerve to shave her legs and pits!!!! She doesn't even have the courtesy to wear too much perfume because she doesn't reek of cigarettes, BO and toejam like the rest of us Dick.
And, she's not even going out for a date...she just likes to make us feel like slobs ;-(****
- Cinderella's Step Sister
Hey There Lonely Girl,
There's a hose and a bar of Lava soap behind the Noggin's Lair. You'll find it sweetie - just you and your work friends strip off those work duds, hose down and soap up...lather and rinse (PLEASE repeat). Dick doesn't care what you wear or if you're "high society'" (just don't try to skip the hose and soap by slappin' on patchoulli).
Ya Know, if you proles, dyke wannabes... working class girls play your cards right, Dick might show you a Hard Day's Night.
