I think Pru may have been over-hasty - and have missed part of a bigger picture - in suggesting that Talked Out's inquisitive boyfriend is a Woogie-esque creep who needs to be escaped from ASAP. I say this for the simple reason that I recognize this guy's behavior, and I think I can tell you something about Talked Out that she didn't tell Pru.

When TO says she can't remember 'everything I said and did with every man and boy I was ever with', I don't think he's talking about specific dates, times and positions. My guess is that it's more along the lines of "Did you even know the guy's name?". Speaking from my own experience, I have had a number of girlfriends whose perfectly normal sexual histories never concerned me in the slightest - and one, who I loved and cared for a great deal, who had basically spent the previous few years sleeping with everybody she met.

Is it healthy to want to know these details? Maybe not, but the unhealthiness isn't all on Woogie's side. My guess is that he wants to know this stuff because he's trying to make his peace with it - and the best advice I could give TO is that she needs to be honest and accept the fact that she may have done things in her past that make it hard to be with her in her present. I know that everybody likes the thought of a clean slate, but it isn't always that easy, and if she wants this relationship (or, possibly, any relationship) to work out, she's going to have to accept that the problem isn't all his.

If he feels the need to "make his peace with it", then he isn't in love with her, but with his idea of her. He wants to change her to fit his mold and make sure that she understands that she isn't permitted to have a life outside of him.

That isn't love, that's control. It's cruel, it's ugly and if he cared about her, he wouldn't care about anything else.

Sitting someone down and interrogating them for hours without letting them leave is abusive. Ask anyone who's been to Guantanamo.

It doesn't sound like he's finding her hard to be with...he seems ready to raise their kids together. And if she slept with every NFL quarterback without knowing his name or passer rating...if she's been the "village bicycle," so to speak, for the past decade, what is he going to do with that information? Is he going to leave her because of what she may have been doing before they got together? Or is he just going to have that information and fret about it and bludgeon her with it any time they get in an argument or she's alone with some cable guy or electrician in the house? Or is he going to sleep like a baby, secure in the fact that he knows the truth?

I think she should just lie and tell him whatever he wants to hear. There's no good that can come of sharing this stuff with him.

A truly healthy relationship consists of two people that realize the other has history and it doesn't really matter (unless there are present/future health issues because of the history). The world is made up of less perfect people that can become jealous when confronted with their SO's history. And then there is the LWs bf. He wants to torture himself with ALL of the knowledge of her past relationships and then punish her for it.

How is this healthy behavior? She obviously has low self esteem and is mistaking his controlling behavior with caring. Neither one sounds like a catch and they should stay as far away from each other as possible.

I think a wild sexual past is like having kids in the dating world. It is a done deal. It does say something about who you are as a person. And it is absolutely unchangeable at this point.

But, much like kids, there are people out there is the world that don't mind the idea at all. There are people out there in the world that share a similar past and completely understand. The object of dating is to find somebody in those first two camps. Finding somebody who 'wants to make his peace with it' (no matter if "it" is your sexual past, your kids, or that crazy haircut you have going on) isn't going to work. She needs to accept and move on.

I'm with Prudence and MessyOne on this one. The guy is creepy and may be dangerous--he's emotionally abusive at least, and could turn out to be physically abusive as well. Letter writer needs to get the hell out.

(On the plus side, she got him to divorce his wife, which is probably a very good thing for said wife.)

If the LW breaks it off with him, guaranteed he will go back to his wife. Guys like this cannot exist without having someone to "care" about.

"If he cared about her, he wouldn't care about anything else."

Now that sounds like a recipe for abuse. It's also a comforting lie. If he cared about her, he wouldn't care if she ... cheated on him? Molested children? Killed homeless people? Love is blind, but if you're going to build a life with someone you have to be able to trust them, and it sounds to me like Talked Out isn't necessarily the most trustworthy.

Nothing in this letter sounded like waterboarding to me. It sounds like this guy wants to know the truth about somebody he wants to spend his life with. Maybe she wishes this wasn't important to him, but it obviously is. If she cares about him, shouldn't that be enough?

Phenomenontheotherhand:

"If he cared about her, he wouldn't care about anything else."

Now that sounds like a recipe for abuse. It's also a comforting lie. If he cared about her, he wouldn't care if she ... cheated on him? Molested children? Killed homeless people?

I am actually going to agree and say this is a valid point. We all have criteria that we judge a prospective partner upon. However, if a person cannot meet your criteria then you HAVE to move on. It is the only healthy rational choice. Anything else is yet another one of those 'I love him but' letters.

And yes folks, I agree that Phenomen's criteria sounds a little ridiculous to me. But so long as he recognizes it as his own moral judgment and confines it to his choice of partners, I would think it is healthy behavior for him.

"Once, he interrogated me for over two hours and would not let me leave the house until I told him the number of people I had slept with. No amount of talking, threatening, or begging will make him stop."

Really, phenom . . . please try and justify how this was for either of their benefits. They are both looney tunes and stop trying to explain away his behavior. You automatically jumping to her molesting children? Do you have someone locked away in your basement that you "care" about and are trying to "protect" from the outside world?

I don't think caring about nothing else is the ideal. But I do think he needs to care about THEIR relationship, not her past relationships. Again, I don't see ANY good coming from "knowing the truth" in this case. Maybe she's only slept with her ex-husband. Maybe she slept with everything breathing male in the state. Either way, if she's faithful to him and they have a good relationship, IT JUST DOESN"T MATTER.

He should know if there are health issues (easily determined by simple medical tests) or someone from her past that might be dangerous, but that doesn't require a complete rundown of everything she's done with every man she's known.

I have shiny new dime for anyone who can give me a good reason for her to share with him everything about her past sexual history. (Aside from appeasing the bully so she doesn't get abused.)

It's up to you whether you read 'interrogated me' and 'would not let me leave the house' as waterboarding and shackles or as insistent questions about something she didn't want to discuss. I think it's reasonable to assume it's closer to the latter.

Re: child molestation - that was a little hyperbolic humor to prove a point. Obviously, just because you love somebody doesn't mean that you should be entirely indifferent to their actions.

Maybe these people are both crazy. Maybe only one of them is. And maybe they're both as sane as anybody can claim to be, but they've got a major issue in their relationship that needs to be resolved (and maybe can't be). Who knows? What does seem very probable, however, is that it's worth considering the source before writing off this guy as a Woogie. Show of hands: how many people in long-term, committed relationships have no idea how many people their partner has slept with?

Oh, and I live in an apartment. I have to keep my captives in my walk-in closet.

There is no reason for wanting to know this stuff. As for the comment I made about not caring about anything else, well, only a total moron would believe that includes criminal records or health issues.

There are things in this life that are no one's business. Just as I'm sure she doesn't give a damn how he brushes his teeth or how he wipes his ass, he shouldn't care about the details of every guy she ever smooched (or did anything else with, for that matter).

He isn't looking for peace of mind, and he doesn't care about how she feels, he's looking for weapons to use on her to control her.

Here's the thing, the boyfriend has no legitimate right to "make peace" with the letter writer's past. It's her past, not his. Period. His desire to make peace with her past (if that's what it is, which I seriously doubt), is presumptive and controlling, at least. He was not with her then. She was not with him then. She is in absolutely no way accountable to him for that time and should not, under any circumstances, be held to even a moment of scrutiny over her past (provided the boyfriend's health is not at risk due to her past, and, even then, all she need say is that he should wear protection if he wants sex becasue she doesn't want to infect him--from there, her past should be off limits).

I don't know my husband's "number" and he doesn't know mine. Neither one of us are jealous enough to demand to know if a previous boyfriend/girlfriend status ever reached penetration.

Both of us came into this relationship disease free and that's all that matters to me. When in the middle of the deed I don't feel the overwhelming urge to demand where he learned that move. I just enjoy what he knows.

That does not mean that I don't know a general overview of his past relationship history but I'm mature enough to know that it had nothing to do with me and frankly none of my business. I love who he is today and even if he WAS a male slut, he is my "one" now.