I have never posted before but reading "Obsession" - the woman asking about her boyfriend being obsessed with her sexual history I HAD to write. My advice - RUN - as FAST as you can & don't ever look back!!! I am talking from experience here - while I was in college (over 25 years ago) I became involved with a guy who looked to be perfect. I made the mistake of telling him he was not my "first". This perfect man turned into an obsessed animal. Unfortunately I stayed with him (out of what I thought was "true love"). I ended up being both mentally & physically abused for a few years. At the time he had me believing that I "deserved" what he was giving me because I wasn't "pure". Let me tell you, the physical abuse fades a lot quicker than the mental abuse. I am proud to say I finally woke up one day when he had his hands around my neck choking me - I gave him a good knee to the balls and walked away & never looked back. The healing took a LONG time though so all I can say is get out NOW and save yourself from what I went through.

I salute you for the way you handled your abusive ex. I too escaped an abusive husband many years ago. I agree with you that she should run as fast and as far away from this lunatic as she can, but I suspect she won't. Her letter indicates that he's already done the preliminary work at making her think he loves her so much he just can't be held responsible for his own behavior. This, as you know, is one of the first things an abuser is able to convince his victim as truth. And if she stays, he knows he's gotten away with it. It will get worse, much worse, until her life, or the life of one of her children is at stake.

It is very unfortunate that he has chipped away at her self-esteem to the point where she thinks he is the best she will ever be able to do. I pray for her safety.

daralon:

Her letter indicates that he's already done the preliminary work at making her think he loves her so much he just can't be held responsible for his own behavior.

Step two is making her think he abandoned his wife and children for her. "I gave up everything for you...so you owe me."

...so do mermaid and danam and 'neato and a bunch of other people. No man is worth dying over, and believe me, when his hands are around your neck, that's what you think.

I just get so bloody discouraged when I hear some woman that ought to damn well know better say, "But he looooooves me! Look at the pretty flowers he sent! And he CRIED when he apologised!"

Yeah, sure. He fu**ing loves you. Until the next time.

From my perspective, it's even worse when the fool has children that she allows to witness this crap. Who does she think she's kidding?

Like the woman on an episode of Cops one day. "He's real sweet unless he's drunk, just that he's always drunk," she said, after her toddlers watched Daddy beat the crap out of Mommy one night and then watched the police take Daddy out in handcuffs. And trying to keep them on the couch, so they wouldn't step on the shards of broken glass in their bare feet.

Amen to that.

It takes a long time to get over going through that kind of relationship. I was in a similar boat to you, Lbonifonte, until one day he backhanded me across the room and I thought he was literally going to beat me to death. According to the other people in the room, because I think my adrenaline was so high I blanked out, I broke his jaw and kicked him in the balls before running out.

I didn't trust men for years after that. I couldn't let myself be open to that kind of mental torment, although I knew the signs to look for. It really scars you in your whole perception of the world and makes you feel worthless and better off as worm-food.

Although I think the LW has very poor judgement, she doesn't deserve to be beaten or abused, as I've seen other people deem acceptable elsewhere, she's not going to see the light until that one day when he goes too far. I just hope she gets out soon so the children won't grow up to be abusers or abused by their spouses.

I strongly agree with both of you, daralon and mermaid 33. I was married to an abusive man once. Everytime we'd get into a fight and he'd abuse me, I'd run to my parents' home, and it wouldn't be over a few minutes before my husband called apologizing and telling me he loved me. Men like this are con artists. They know how to manipulate you and make you feel sorry for them. They can make you think you deserve the abuse you got from them, or at least that you did something to cause it.