My fiancee is having his bachelor party this month, All of his guy friends are invited of course...his best man just happens to be a woman so she is planning the party at her house and the only female to attend.(Not Fair!! I wanna go!!) The problem is that the wives of some of the guys are "not allowing" their hubbies to come to the bachelor party cuz there are going to be strippers. One of the wives even went as far as to invite herself to the party. She was promptly disinvited and is now pouting over being told No,and giving the best woman and myself Hell over it. Now I'm not worried,I trust my fiancee or I wouldn't be getting married to him. The strippers do not bother me a bit,nor do they bother the "best man" who's husband is one of the men "allowed" to come to the party. Short of having sex with one of them, I just want him to have a good time and celebrate the end of his bachelorhood in a fun way.One of the couples in question is actually going as far as getting a divorce over her controlling ways,and this may just be the catalyst, the straw that breaks the camel's back. The other couple....the wife cheated a few years ago, and the hubby stayed with her. Since then she has become convinced that he is out to get back at her with anyone,anywhere. Now I don't know what is going on behind closed doors obviously, and there are always 2 sides to every story, but what say the Fray about this kind of controlling and jealous behavior in a marriage? Is there ever a good excuse to treat your partner this way? And why should I be in hot water with the wives for "allowing" the bachelor party and the strippers to even occur? Excuse me? Allow? Is he my dog or husband to be?

It's all a matter of trust. Either you trust each other (as you do your fiance) or you don't.

However, it's also a matter of respect. When you love someone, you don't do something you know will bother them without a really good reason. It being their friend's bachelor party seems a decent enough reason to me. I wouldn't complain if my husband went to one of those. However, I think once the strippers started, he'd probably leave or find another way to be occupied. Maybe not, but at least he'd have sense not to tell me about it if he did watch!

If someone isn't trustworthy, they'll find a way to cheat, no matter how much you think you have them on a short leash. Sometimes, it even gives them an excuse to try to justify their behavior. Likewise, if someone is trustworthy, there's no stripper anywhere that could get him to violate your trust. Worrying and nagging won't cause a person to cheat or to be faithful. It just keeps the nagger up up at night thinking about it.

Emperor Sake:

And why should I be in hot water with the wives for "allowing" the bachelor party and the strippers to even occur? Excuse me? Allow? Is he my dog or husband to be?

Not to mention, isn't it the best man's job to deal with all the bachelor party stuff? i.e., not your call/problem? Aren't you supposed to be busy with dress fittings or something?

Jealousy happens. But if the presence of a stripper will destroy fidelity/marriages, what the heck were those vows all about? Maybe the wives are jealous that you actually trust your fiance.

Interesting that the (formerly) cheating wife is going through her own private hell. Rather Twilight-Zoneian kharma there.

I'd be more irked about the spouses dichotomy: if no spouses allowed, how come the best man's hubby gets to go?

Many young women. especially those from traditional or conservative families, have had it drilled into their heads by their mothers, pastors, etc. that if her husband has any interest whatsoever in strippers or porn, that means that she has failed miserably and abjectly as a wife and is a horrible human being. They are also taught that strippers, porn, etc. are for sleazy. creepy perverts and that real, honest, decent men have nothing to do with any adult-type entertainment. Then they get put into a situation like this, where everything they've been taught from childhood is thrown in their face and they get ridiculed and told they're jealous by someone they may very well consider immoral and an enabler of adultery.

I'm not saying they're right; far from it. But it's important not to fall into the "they're just jealous, those stupid cows" trap. They may very well feel that allowing their husbands to see strippers means they're bad wives and their husbands are creeps.

I don't know how to breach this gap in expectations, because it's often unbreachable - either side has very strong reasons for believing what they do, and those reasons are often embedded in emotion (which makes them far more difficult to change).

It's just as absurd as the whole idea of "If my spouse/boyfriend/whatever looks at another woman, he doesn't want me/isn't satified with me". I can't say that it's all silly though, half of marriages end in divorces, and sometimes guys will leave with signs that the wife/girlfriend doesn't recognize until too late. So, I understand why some of the wives feel threatened, statistics on cheating, for both spouses, are through the roof.

I've been to many bacholer parties. All of them with strippers - or trips to a strip joint.

Here is what I have drunkenly observed - the men who go craziest with strippers are married guys whose wives are always giving them a hard time. (I'm using gives them a hard time in place of calling the women controlling...)

It could specific to these certain individuals, of course. If it isn't and it is some sort of pattern - it appears that you have nothing to worry about. I do have to mention that at every bacholer party I am either very drunk or have suffered a concussion - so my observations should be taken with a shot of tequilla, lemon/salt optional...

One last thing to I add - I've seen three grooms-to-be pass on any dances from strippers. They all married women who didn't/don't really try to control them. However - they are all either sort of insecure in their relationships and/or have a need to be with a controlling partner as they are usually eager to please their respective wives...

hey bLURGLE--

Really good point. I keep forgetting that it's a big world out there on the 'net with tons of different cultural influences. Context is key.

I don't like the idea that men are so helpless that the sight of a naked woman guarantees infidelity/violence/etc... but I can understand the culture clash aspect. And if it reflects on the wives, then it makes more sense that the bride-to-be would be "abetting."

My sweetie and I both grew up in similar households as far as religion and all that goes, yet we had completely different views on alcohol. So there were times early on when he'd go out drinking with his buddies and I wasn't sure what to make of it... It took years for my inner compass to readjust, and I still have no idea what is "normal." Just an example where neither party was/is right or wrong, but I didn't even know my view was biased until my frame of reference shifted.

I think that everyone who responded has a valid take on the situation. My issue though, and maybe I didn't make it clear enough...is not so much the acceptance of the strippers-which certainly could have moral or religious factors working against them. That's not the case with these ladies though, It is the fact that these women are so controlling over their husbands. I can put myself in their shoes and imagine the fear they must be feeling that their husbands will do something out of line- I have dated questionable men before but I always told myself...if he wants to cheat he is going to do it anyway,and if I try to put a leash on him it will only make him resent me and push him towards another woman. So even though I laid awake at night waiting to hear his truck come into the drive, I still never dreamed of "disallowing" this boyfriend to do what he wanted. I was not afraid to express my feelings on it,but I did not try to manipulate him into making the decision I wanted him to make. I would not have expected the man to miss his best friend of 10 years bachelor party for my insecurities. This man is now history.But...my fiancee now...I don't have any of the same anxieties that I have had in other relationships. All of the insecurites I carried around were washed away as we became close again. ( We were best friends in high school) I just don't believe he would ever do anything to hurt me, so I'm truly not worried about it. I just wonder how can a relationship be happy and healthy if one person can say what the other can or cannot do, and offer divorce as an ultimatum.

Emperor Sake:

I just wonder how can a relationship be happy and healthy if one person can say what the other can or cannot do, and offer divorce as an ultimatum.

Yeah but that isn't any of your business at all. While it may make you feel superior / validated / etc for a bunch of random strangers on the internet to say yes of course these are bad ladies and you are the wise one - it also isn't really any of our business.

It isn't your place to judge somebody else's relationship as healthy or not, especially based upon a single incident.

You are absolutely right. I will cease to care whether or not my friends are happy and healthy since it is obviously not my business. And a comment by you, being one of those random internet strangers sure does make me feel validated and entitled. I feel extremely superior by not having a cranky,antagonist attitude like yours. Jeez, I'm so sorry somebody peed in your Cheerios but it wasnt me who did it so you should just forego being rude to a fellow random internet stranger.Then again since that's also none of my business.....I shall retire to my padded cave..never to venture out and care about anyone else ever again.....and never trust random comments on the internet....You sure told me!

Oh please. You are not on this website because you care about your friends. Go look at your own top post - you don't even ask how it is that you can help them. The only thing you ask is 'look at how good I am - aren't these other people so dysfunctional by comparison??'

Wouldn't somebody that actually cared be concerned about how to fix the situation rather than how to label it?

Emperor Sake:

You are absolutely right. I will cease to care whether or not my friends are happy and healthy since it is obviously not my business. And a comment by you, being one of those random internet strangers sure does make me feel validated and entitled. I feel extremely superior by not having a cranky,antagonist attitude like yours. Jeez, I'm so sorry somebody peed in your Cheerios but it wasnt me who did it so you should just forego being rude to a fellow random internet stranger.Then again since that's also none of my business.....I shall retire to my padded cave..never to venture out and care about anyone else ever again.....and never trust random comments on the internet....You sure told me!

You posted on a random internet site, asking for opinions & advice, you got it, now it is "boo hoo, you are all so mean & saying rude things" If you do not want rude comments, if you do not want random comments & if you do not like what is posted to you, then DO NOT POST ON THE INTERNET! duh!

Now I'm not gonna get my invitation to the batchelor party....!

I'm sorry, Big D. But honestly, if she is attending, how fun could it be?

SusanM:

Emperor Sake:

I just wonder how can a relationship be happy and healthy if one person can say what the other can or cannot do, and offer divorce as an ultimatum.

Yeah but that isn't any of your business at all. While it may make you feel superior / validated / etc for a bunch of random strangers on the internet to say yes of course these are bad ladies and you are the wise one - it also isn't really any of our business.

It isn't your place to judge somebody else's relationship as healthy or not, especially based upon a single incident.

What? If this was a case of a man being "controlling" towards a woman you'd be singing a VERY different tune. Heck evil controlling husbands/boyfriends is the subject of half the posts on this board.....