Dear Talked Out

Sounds like your boyfriend has a cuckold fetish. Ask him, in a nonthreatening and nonjudgemental manner, wheter this sort of conversation turns him on. If so, I see nothing wrong with indulging him. If not, explain to him that you've explained every single aspect of your previous relationships that you feel comfortable in sharing.

PhysicsGirl

Dear Teen-Love

Your boyfriend sounds like a smart man. Enjoy your relationship with him until the end of the summer, and then move on to other relationships. The highschool-college romance thing rarely works out, especially since you won't even be gratuating next year. College is a time for learning, including learning about relationships.

PhysicsGirl

Dear Out-law,

You didn't mention what your husband wanted with respect to his parents. If he would like to see them, then you should put up with them for a few days. Once you guys come to a conclusion about how many days (0 to whatever) that you feel is an acceptable visit, you should call his parents and be frank. Tell them that you want some newlywed time, and that you guys need to study for and take the GMAT. Then, you should arrange a visiting time for them when he comes back in Februrary. I find that "rejection" goes over better when you offer an alternative plan. Don't forget that this is their son, and they're also worried about him as well!

PhysicsGirl

Dear Not Formal,

People comment on that which is different. If you don't wear skirts very often, and then do so, except the comments. Women aren't expected to wear pants at all times, it's simply that they choose to do so for the most part. Returning to my first comment, people comment on things that are different. That's not going to change, so all you can do is deal.

PhysicsGirl

I rarely find much disagreement with the PhysicsGirl, but I do think you're a little lackadaisical about #1. Being uncomfortably interrogated for hours at a time is too much indulgence of a turn-on fetish, even if that's all it is. Once she gives him that excuse, oh it's just a turn-on, he'll want more of it, not less, and it's already torture for her.

And I think you're ignoring the telling details about "both agree it's disrespectful" when there's no way to stop it but hanging up, and the "making sure I do nothing to harm myself" weirdness. This guy does seem to be an all-controller, and having given up his wife, he feels everything is owed to him. No one can say it will reach the beating or stalking phase, but it is indeed how beaters and stalkers start out. And the interrogation is already too much. It'll just get worse when they're married. Prudie's answer is good enough on this one.

Gotta go with PG on this one. Whether or not the LW dude is creepy is immaterial. She's not looking to leave him - she just wants him to stop asking her the same questions repeatedly. Telling someone to leave when they aren't likely to (even if they should) is sort of a waste of time.

It can't be immaterial to point out that he's never going to stop interrogating her because he is a creep. She may not want to leave the guy, but it's the only solution to her problem. And she will leave eventually, if only in a pine box; it may or may not be a waste of time to urge her to do it sooner, but it's the right thing to do.

The "nothing to harm myself" weirdness sounds a lot like the sort of "code" some of the people I knew who were into kinkier sex than average would use. Or maybe the LW is simply one of those people who do incredibly stupid things when left to her own devices, I don't know. It is a little off putting, but it's not what she's asking advice for.

If it is a fetish, and all he's interested in is hearing about how she had sex with someone else, she can simply make up experiences. "Oh yeah, one time my ex and I did ....." sort of things. I don't really consider talking torture, and I do feel that indulging in your partner's sexual fetishes is important. However, if the reason he is asking is because he has an obsession with her past then she should close the door on the discussions.

It does seem a bit strange that he doesn't feel he's gotten all the relevant information about her past yet. I had a fairly wild time when I was sowing my wild oats, and I think that my husband and I discussed all the relevant bits in a matter of a few weeks once we'd gotten serious.

I just don't think him asking about her experiences has anything to do with kink. Unless he's into pain and torture also. Him verbally battering her until she's crying and begging just doesn't seem like the beginning of a hot night.

I think teen-lover should continue the relationship up to the end of the school year, at most. Then she should do something better then hanging out to something that is never going to happen. Perhaps a camp, club, or something where she will meet a cute guy to have a little teen summer romance with. Her current boy friend just sounds like someone who wants to use her then toss her when he will find better.

MistPanther:

Then she should do something better then hanging out to something that is never going to happen. Perhaps a camp, club, or something where she will meet a cute guy to have a little teen summer romance with.

I'm confused. You think that she should look for something better than a short term relationship, so she should do other activites so that she can meet someone else to have a short term relationship with?

I certainly think that she shouldn't turn down an opportunity to do something fun in order to hang out with her current boyfriend. But that is one of the joys of a short term relationship. An opportunity for another romance may be good for her, but of course that opportunity will exist in the fall as well if she chooses to stick with her boyfriend until then.

MistPanther:

Her current boy friend just sounds like someone who wants to use her then toss her when he will find better.

Why? Because he's being realistic? In my social set in highschool and college there were a number of people who tried to make this sort of thing work. Only one of those couples ended up getting married, and they did break up for a while during college and date other people. If he were truly a cad, he'd string her along so that he'd have someone to bang on his visits home.

Part of the problem people face today, especially when those people are teens, is that a person who discusses sex, emotions, and relationships in a frank and logical manner is considered an asshole. Long distance relationships rarely work, especially if they are for an indefinite length of time and the people involved haven't decided that marriage will be the end result.

danam:

I just don't think him asking about her experiences has anything to do with kink. Unless he's into pain and torture also. Him verbally battering her until she's crying and begging just doesn't seem like the beginning of a hot night.

You got that right. I'm getting a visual of him asking her all these questions and when she answers them, he just get angrier and angrier and "punishes" her by making the interrogation longer.

i liked all your responses except the one to the girl whose BF is going away to college.

emotionally speaking, how can she "enjoy" him until the end of the summer, after learning that she's expendable?

won't every interaction subconsiously turn into an effort on her part to change his mind?

or should she just succumb (pun alert) to mindless sex, which is all they apparently have left?

he is, in fact, completely ending the relationship on labor day. wouldn't it be better for her to exercise some control over her own life, and end it now?

by baltimore aureole
05/01/2008, 3:13 PM # Favorites Reply

i liked all your responses except the one to the girl whose BF is going away to college.

emotionally speaking, how can she "enjoy" him until the end of the summer, after learning that she's expendable?

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I agree with the above! What kind of self-respecting girl would continue dating somebody who has told her he's ending it?? Only if she's desperately hoping he'll change his mind will she continue this affair...unless of course, she can just shrug it off and say, "Well, I'll just use him for sex for a few more months, then I'll get over him."

Having been a teenaged girl once, I don't believe this is a plausible scenario.

I almost always agree with PG and this time is no exception. I just don't see the abuse here. I see behavior that I would never do as I don't want that level of information. If this is putting a strain on the relationship, which it appears to be, she should leave him if he does not stop but I don't think that makes him into a stalker or someone who is dangerous. Some people get off on their lovers having sex with others. Some get off by hearing about past experience. Some don't want any of that history and prefer a don't ask, don't tell policy (like in my case) - as long as I am comfortabel with the relationship now, and she with me, that's fine. However, just because he exhibits what I might call bizarre behavior, I just don't see the extreme threat that others do. This one is easy - tell him stop. If he doesn't, leave.

I think a lot of these responses come from the idea that women can't enjoy short term relationships, but men can. Somehow the fact that he doesn't want to continue the relationship in the fall makes him the bad man just out for sex, whereas the woman (girl) can only have a relationship if she knows it will be love forever.

If (and this is an if) the letter writer could take PG's advice, and recognize that the relationship, by circumstance, is going to end, and at the same time recognize that she does enjoy and care for this person, what is the harm in having her enjoy it through the summer? I'm assuming they have already had a positive relationship up till this point, what is the point of ending it now, rather than when they have to be apart? Not very many people get married to their high school sweetheart anyway, so it is not a huge tragedy that they recognize in a mature way now that some relationships are not forever. And, I know this is shocking, women can enjoy sex too, even if it isn't in a totally committed, forever and ever relationship.

Now, if the woman (girl) from the letter doesn't feel she can do this, because she will always be thinking of the future breakup, or doesn't think she will be able to make a clean break, or will always try to change the guy's mind, then yes, she should end the relationship (and not be friends, either).

But to suggest that she is being "expendable" or used for "mindless sex" because she is in a relationship that won't be forever seems like we are going back to the old stereotypes of all women that enjoy sex are sluts and a woman's flower is a precious think only to be given to a man on her wedding night, etc, etc, and assumes that women don't have the agency and maturity to recognize that relationships can be good even if they are not "the one."

baltimore aureole:

emotionally speaking, how can she "enjoy" him until the end of the summer, after learning that she's expendable?

I don't understand what you mean by expendable. Certainly he's not planning on spending the rest of his life with her ... but I think saying she's "expendable" isn't quite right.

baltimore aureole:

won't every interaction subconsiously turn into an effort on her part to change his mind?

Maybe. It really depends on her. If she feels that this would be the case, then she should break up with him now.

baltimore aureole:

or should she just succumb (pun alert) to mindless sex, which is all they apparently have left?

I disagree with this. You can have meaningful sex with a person you care about, whom you are not planning on staying with. It's not like sex is divided into two categories, "Sex with your one and only" and "Mindless sex with no emotional attachment".

baltimore aureole:

he is, in fact, completely ending the relationship on labor day. wouldn't it be better for her to exercise some control over her own life, and end it now?

Maybe. It really depends on her. I don't see where she has a loss of control. Her boyfriend has said, "I'm breaking up with you when I leave for college." The ball is now in her court. She can dump him now. She can dump him between now and when he leaves. She can date him until he leaves. She can ask for an open relationship so she can start fishing for his replacement. And so on. The reality is that you never have control over another person in a relationship, and since you're affected by their actions you do lose some control over your own life. However, most people feel the payoff is worth it.

Maybe it's just me being a prude but it makes me a little nauseous hearing about a 15/16 yo, sex and open relationships.

I don't ever want my 2 yo girl to grow up!