To the relief of many, I'm sure, there won't be a SHADDAP until after Thursday....I just don't have the mental energy necessary to act on what is a really terrific idea. News has been flying around me in all directions of late, some bad, some horrendous, and some just weirding me out.

However, I did have a conversation with my friend about what one can and cannot tell the Cool Neice before she graduates high school at least. I added some on later reflection. Some of the statements follow:

1. One of the Big Lies our parents tell us is the Math Lie. Unless you become a scientist or engineer you will NEVER use that goddamn math again. All the struggle and cursing and tutoring and angst really IS for nothing.

2. Bullies DON'T have low self-esteem. Parents only tell us they do to make us feel better. A recent study proves this.

3. The mean girls are mean because they LIKE to hurt people. That's right. They aren't jealous, they aren't secretly hoping you'll be their friend, they just like watching you get upset. It makes them feel good to do those rotten things, and they will never change. The vast majority of them will be mean until they die of old age.

4. Some of us really AREN'T good at gym. No matter what the teacher bellows at you about trying harder, some of us really WON'T improve if we work at it. Everyone can't be an athlete, no matter how hard they try.

5. No matter what parents tell kids about their weight, no kid is "big boned". That's right! Any doctor will tell you that the average skeleton, barring height differences, is roughly the same size. There is an average thickness and size for human bones, and barring some ghastly endocrine condition or growth defect, most of us pretty much fall within the norms.

Almost no one has these defects. "Big Bones" is fat.

6. These are NOT the best years of your lives. This is the biggest lie there is. After high school, at which very few have true fun, there's nowhere to go but UP! It gets better every year. It's only AFTER high school that the zits go away and we become who we'll be for the rest of our lives.

7. If you think a parent-chosen garment/pair of glasses/shoe looks bad, chances are it does. No, it won't come back in fashion. Not in your lifetime, anyway. No, it's not cutting edge. It's just bad.

______________________________­____________

So? Am I full of crap? I don't think so, myself, but I will admit to having been wrong in the past.

Does anyone have other Big Lies to add? I'm betting I missed a whole bunch.

I'd argue number 5 at least. I remember in high school a friend of mine sitting at my feet and he was absolutely amazed at the fact that his hand could go entirely around my ankle. Now granted one can eventually start carrying fat around the ankle but at that point you are so obese the big bones excuse isn't cutting it. I just happen to have a very delicate bone structure.

Or look at hips. The idea of childbearing hips is talking about the underlying pelvic structure, not the fat that is coating the outside.

So yeah. People use the 'big bones' as an excuse or even a euphemism for fat. But some people out there in the world really do have a bigger bone structure - not thicker bones, just the way it tends to be laid out.

Right there with you on #2-#6 - but as a long-time corporate computer programmer who is now a bar owner, my skills with basic math, statistics, financial calculations, fluid dynamics, and routine engineering repairs STILL give me an edge over my competitors every damned day.

I suppose I could survive without them, at the expense of having warmer beer, frequent out-of-stock conditions, thieving employees, inventory mismanagement, under-repaired facilities, and financial losses due to the malfeasance of my suppliers and customers - but still, I'm a lot happier without all that.

***

As to the Other Big Lies:

1. "No means no". Yeah, sure it does.

2. "Rape has nothing to do with sex." While I can agree that pocket lint has nothing to do with sex...

3. "This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you." Wanna bet?

4. "Five...Five Dollar...Five Dollar Foot-Longs!"

5. "God Has A Perfect Plan For Your Life" - tell that to a child with anencephaly, and his parents, during the few hours he will live once he is born.

6. "I'm with the government, and I'm here to help you."

7. "To protect and serve". Whom would that be, exactly?

Bless you.

I think that has to do with the overall size of the person, though. It's based on averages, so I'm guessing there's a fair amount of variation. Generally, two 5'4" tall women, for example, will have pretty much the same size bones.

I once went out with a guy that could put his hands around my waist. Now I KNOW that was a combination of me being a skinny kid and him being about 6'6" tall at the time. Poor guy. He didn't grow into his height until he was in his early 20s.

The "big bones" excuse is one that teachers hear all the time, though. Generally it's a parent talking about some poor kid that's so heavy he/she is wheezing just walking down the hall.

Corollary to your #3, from a doctor: "This might sting a bit."

Yeah, no shit, Sherlock, what was your first clue....and how about I give YOU that shot next?

So what would you say was the difference between an Asian woman who is 5'4" and a woman from good healthy German peasant stock, who is also 5'4"? Or would you argue that they would be built exactly the same?

Built the same? No of course not, that's not what I said. But if you x-rayed their skeletons only, their bones would both fall within a fairly narrow range as to size.

Externals like the ratio of muscle to fat, can vary wildly from person to person, and there are some skeletal variations that can come from environmental differences. If you took a caliper to say, the bones in their spines, they would be very close in size.

Doctor giving penicillin to a prostitute: "Now, you're going to feel a little prick."

"It's OK, Doc - it's a part of the job description."

...

A woman is sitting in the dentist's chair with a pair of pliers in her hand. The doctor come into the room, looks at her, raises his eyebrows, and she says "We're not going to hurt one another, are we?

I need my weekly dose of a nice cup of SHADDAP!

ooohhh, this could also work at the gynecologist.

tonto_goldberg:

A woman is sitting in the dentist's chair with a pair of pliers in her hand. The doctor come into the room, looks at her, raises his eyebrows, and she says "We're not going to hurt one another, are we?

I have had to remove the worst of the lies from this post because they would not be suitable for discussion with the cool niece.

"We don't discriminate..." The proof of equal treatment is action, not words. Everyone discriminates sooner or later, and everyone will either benefit or suffer from discrimination. All we can do is our best effort to control the outcome of that discrimination.

"Everything you need to know, you learned in ...." There is something new and important to learn almost every day. If you're alert you will see it and learn it. If not, you are losing ground.

Life is not like a box of chocolates. There are a few real surprises, but almost everything that happens is either predictable or is something you should have made preparations to manage.

The principle is the same, but the gynocologist does not lean over the patient, placing the delicate bits within easy reach.

Yes, you are full of shit.

1) Bullshit - see that thing with a $$$ next to it, sweetheart? Yes, it's a number and it's how we count money (and everything else too really). People use their knowledge of numbers to add to their numbers and reduce yours - if you choose to be ignorant and let them. Don't be a patsy, learn math!!!

2) Less bullshit but still it's bullshit - some bullies have low self exteem - some don't. But you can fuck up any bully by instilling self-doubt. A secure person can tolerate self-doubt, a bully cannot (check out Dick Cheney, for example).

3) Moving on to the Horse Shit - It doesn't matter what mean people's motives are, it's your motives that matter. Mean people suck and that is their weakness. Virtue is it's own reward, yes - BUT, virtue has the correlative reward of being the best way to act in the long run. Mean people are irrelevant, so your neice shouldn't waste time validating their ignorance with consideration.

4) Ancient Bullshit - She could have used that advice upon entering Junior High - "good at gym" doesn't really mean fuck all.

Exercise to feel strong. It's about about YOUR body, not the jock on steroids body.

5) SUPER BULLSHIT! Every woman should enjoy her body, regardless of the size, shape or color. If any woman wants help enjoying her body, she's welcome to come down to the Noggin's Lair where we KNOW how to enjoy a woman's body. And, let me set this fact straight, no REAL man is interested in a skeleton!

6) Semi-Pig Shit - these could be the best years of your life, neice, if you let them. But you won't sweetie, because you should be certain with utmost confidence that you will always make tomorrow better than yesterday.

7) UNADULTERATED BULLSHIT - It ain't what you wear, it's how you wear it.

And it ain't the meat, it's the motion!

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