First of all, I’m deeply disturbed at the downright vicious reactions this article has provoked. And for those of you so quick to blame the author, it is interesting that you make no mention of the father’s role in this story. Nor do any of you who blame the mother for her son’s behavior note that her daughter seems to be doing quite well. If she deserves the blame for her struggling son, does she not also deserve credit for her thriving daughter?

That being said, I do think there is an issue here, but it goes well beyond the actions of one woman. As a college professor (and for the record, one who paid her way through college and grad school), I would say there is an entire societal structure now in place that stifles independent thought and growth. The idea that a 17 year old is not clear about what he wants to do with his life is not shocking. What bothers me is that there was no one there to say, “you seem to lack direction. Why don’t you put off college for a year or two, and instead work, find a place of your own, and then make your own decision?”

This simply isn’t allowed to occur anymore, and no it is not reducible to the actions of one mother (or to all mothers). Parents are told day in and day out that if their children do not go to a good college, they will not “succeed”. Note the guidance counselor’s advice in the story: he doesn’t know what to do? He should be an engineer (based not on the student’s interest, but on the grades). He isn’t filling out applications? Well then, mom, you should be doing it for him. Keep in mind that a high school’s quality is measured, in part, by whether or not their graduates are going to college, and the quality of college to which they apply. It’s not surprising then that the right advice, “Why don’t you work for a couple of years, take some community college classes, and see what happens” was not actually given.

And once in college, it all continues. Never have I seen so many students asking me why they should major in the humanities, when it might not get them “ahead” in life. Never have I seen so many students tell me they would like to change majors, but that their parents will not let them. Never have I seen so many students get angry at me at an okay grade, and accuse me of ruining their envisioned lives. Never have I seen colleges cramming internships and high-profile career recruitment down our students’ throats, instead allowing them to struggle and find their own path.

So actually, far from condemning this mother, I would applaud her…and her son. Yes, there are elements of “helicopter parenting,” but she realizes this. Yes, the son lacks direction, but he realizes this, and is actually taking steps not only to define his own interests, but to give himself space to pursue them. Yes the kid failed, but he had the wherewithal to blame himself, not his mother, not his professors. I think the kid and his mother are going to be all right. Maybe the rest of us deserve a good look.

Thank heavens, sanity does exist...

OK, I said I had to go, but I had just one comment to this particular post then I'm turning off the monitor and going to the kitchen...

Why should a 17 year old CHILD be told to get a job and find a place of their own?

Why do we push kids out of our lives so quickly?

Getting a job and paying your own bills (want a nice car, pay for it; want a cellphone, pay for it; want an xbox, go for it -on your own...) is something every kid should learn as early as possible (like starting at 16, legal age to work in most places of the U.S., no?) BUT, living at home thru college shouldn't be seen as a weakness or inability to launch...

ok, now I'm really, really going to go start dinner...

This kid had 12 years of school to think about what he wanted to do with his life. He was too busy playing X-box to bother to think about his future or even do his homework now. Obviously, he had been so spoiled that he had no fear of failure or poverty and despite all her 'attention' she had failed to teach him how to think through the consequences of his actions. He could have put his foot down and worked for a year, but instead he went off on what turned out to be a very expensive vacation. His mom said that his high school never 'engaged' him. The fact of the matter is that this kid was plain lazy and his mom was making excuses for him. Most of what I studied in high school bored me to tears, but I knew that if I wanted to have some control of my life, have money to spend and get out of my mother's house, I would have to be successful.

CMS, you miss my point entirely. I agree that the son needs to be more independent. I think most of my students need to be more independent, that they are far more childish than the 18 to 22 year olds I have seen in the past. But I think pointing the finger at the mother (she's hovering!) or the son (he's lazy!) misses the point entirely. If parents have the luxury to do so, they don't let them get jobs today, for fear it will undermine their child's success in school. It might be that kids are sitting home playing XBox because (as Caitlin Flanagan nauseatingly pointed out in the NYT a couple of weeks ago), we don't let them drive anywhere, or go anywhere, for fear that they might get hurt. We have become so afraid of hurt and failure, that we're not teaching our children--or our students--how to cope with it and move on. And it is not just the parents. Look at the media coverage (bad mom lets children out of sight for one moment!) or our schools. Sorry, I see too many of these students to blame a single mother or single son. As I said, if I had a student who came up to me and said "I failed, and it's my fault" (like the son eventually did), I would be ecstatic.

Great points Seg.

my parents didn't make me get a job when i was 16. But at that age, I didn't want them in my business all the time. I didn't want to have to continually ask them for money and have to explain why. I realized that if I wanted independence, I'd have to earn money for myself. I didn't do that right away. My mother was all about self improvement- she always had us kids involved in after-school activities to help us better ourselves and to perhaps lead us to know what we wanted out of life.

I see too many parents who give their kids independence without them showing they have the responsibility to earn it. I see too many parents who don't make their kids work... at anything. And that means chores, allowance for video games/music/cell phones/new technology, homework, being respectful to adults and their peers. There are a lot of parents who just skate through parenthood instead of working at it. Have you never heard of parents that seem to be scared of their own children- angering them or hurting their feelings?

I believe it's this misguided parenting that people find disturbing. I think it's that mentality that people find inexcusable. That there are so many kids that appear to be growing up with a lack of self-respect, respect for others, and sense of responsibility. It's by no means everyone and it's not exactly new. But it is something that could be a destructive force in our society.

We do need to address the other things you suggest, though, as well. The media is crazy, but partially because these same parents actually listen to the bullshi- instead of rolling their eyes and knowing better....

This kid had 12 years of school to think about what he wanted to do with his life.

Are you really serious about what you're saying? You're saying that this kid should've started thinking about what he wanted to be when he was 5 and had it all figured out at 17. How ignorant. And how long ago was it that you were in high school or college for that matter CMS? If you are a recent high school graduate like i am, you would know that elementary school, junior high, AND high school isn't about learning anymore. Its not about figuring out what you want to be when you grow up. Times have changed, and now school is all about test scores and how well the students in a school perform on some ridiculous standardized test. They dont teach things that we actually need to know. They teach whats on the test. Because if their students don't perform well, they dont get as much money from the state. That's the real problem. It's not the laziness of kids.

Also, you can't have a fear of poverty or failure if you've never been exposed to them. If you've never experienced poverty, then most likely that concept just doesn't seem real to you.

And you dont seem to get the fact that most parents these days dont allow their kids to work because they fear that it will take away from school and that kids will become more focused on earning money than doing well in school. So if you dont have a job theres no way you can have money to get away from your parents and you're trapped. Thats the way things were in my parent's house, but that's cuz my parents could afford it.

and another thing, high school is significantly harder than it was five or ten or even twenty years ago. my freshman year of high school i was learning things in school that my parents weren't learning until their SENIOR YEAR of college. Either that or they never learned it at all.

Another thing that has become difficult is getting used to being in college AND doing well. By the time kids are graduating from high school they are BURNED OUT and the very last thing that they want to do is go through another 4 grueling years (or more in some cases) of school. And now a bunch of schools are suggesting that their students take a year off after being accepting because they will perform better academically when they return. I am a freshman at one of the top public universities in the country (one that was especially difficult to get into because of the laws of the state) and i must say that i am shocked at the contempt you people have for this kid. I ended up with a 1.5 GPA my first semester. Am i lazy? Hell no. Was i motivated? No. Am I stupid? of course not. i wouldn't still be at this school if i was. My school is ridiculously large (over 55,000 enrolled) and it is definitely hard adjusting to being away from everything and everyone that i know. My first semester was riddled with emotional problems and frustration, and thats how it goes for a lot of people who have a hard time adjusting. So don't you dare call me lazy because i wasn't motivated. Laziness and motivation do not go hand in hand.

chelseag-

I don't know where you went to school, but as a grad not far out of high school, I had a totally different experience. Our school was a poor rural school with leaky roofs and no funding, but I still had resources to find out what I wanted to do with my life before I turned 17. Children now are not looking to choose a career, but trying to stray from making major life decisions not because of the school system or lack of resources, but because that is what they WANT to do. They want to be babied until they are literally cut off from their parents in their mid-twenties. Point is...don't blame this lazy kid's indecisions on the school system, but on his own character.

If you get a 1.5 GPA in college, you are lazy. You say you were not motivated, and that is laziness. I have just finished 4 years of college and have never gotten under a 3.0 any semester, and I know I could do better. Quit blaming your laziness and lack of motivation on schooling. If it is that much harder than it was 5 years ago, then why aren't you doing better in college, where things have not changed as much?

It's sadly typical that many young people of today are quick to blame everybody else for their problems but refuse to accept any responsibility for their actions. It's always someone else's fault! This type of attitude is one result of the type of helicopter parenting showcased in the article; the parents don't ever allow the kids to suffer any consequences for their own actions. So the kid grows up blaming everyone else for their own failures while refusing to take any personal responsibility.

You don't have to know what you want to do with your life to be motivated to learn and get a job. I didn't even know that my current job existed when I was a senior in high school. I did know that I might as well learn all I could becaues skills like writing, knowing how to learn, and a good humanities background are often helpful. If someone doesn't know what they want to do with their life, fine, that's why we have the option of "undeclared" majors. At graduation I didn't know what I wanted to do so I applied to random office jobs in my chosen location, found one, and as a result of having my education was able to take that and make it a position where I'm doing what I love. If you don't know what you want to do right away, fine, work as an administrative assistant, typist, or any other job where you earn money and learn about the real world. Kids who don't work because "oh, it's not my ideal position" probably had parents who taught them to sing "I am Special" without realizing one needs to contribute to this world, not just mooch.

...My school is ridiculously large (over 55,000 enrolled) and it is definitely hard adjusting to being away from everything and everyone that i know...

Oh, boo-hoo. Whose fault is that? I didn't have any problems adjusting when I went away to school. I couldn't freakin' WAIT. I also had a 3.4 average throughout college, despite smoking enough pot to cover Honduras in a three-foot-deep blanket of green and enough alcohol to kill a horse. You know why I succeeded? Because I READ CONSTANTLY, I worked hard, and I always remembered to say "fuck you" to people who deserved it. It works like a charm.

Also, you can't have a fear of poverty or failure if you've never been exposed to them. If you've never experienced poverty, then most likely that concept just doesn't seem real to you.

You can fear poverty if your parents don't give you money for nothing and you forgot your lunch and spent all the money you EARNED and therefore have to skip lunch that day because of your bad decisions. You can fear failure if you've been given a chance to fail. And you can have a great desire to be able to get a good job if the only money you have the money you earned and the only way to get out your mother's house is to succeed.

Seg25: I concur that there seem to be broader forces at work on these kids that makes them feel pressured to attend college, get a job, etc. etc. It seems that this mother was well intentioned but for some reason things haven't clicked yet for this kid, or several others in his position. I think most people would agree with you on your points concerning these social trends- there's a general malaise that seems to be affecting not just the younger set, but older people too. My professors in college reminisced that people today seem to be treating 4 year universities more like trade schools than the students of yesteryear, who treated a university as a place to grow intellectually. As I see it, this is an inevitable consequence of capitalism and increasing competition. Those who want to just 'walk the earth' are going to be trampled on by those who need to make a dollar. The underlying theme that I've seen in most of the posts seems to be 'once you have to put bread in your mouth, then you'll find your motivation.' That's not to say that chasing money is a good way to live, but it does bring to light a lot of class conflict simmering underneath this debate. I don't think people are angry at the mother (or mothers in general) so much as they are angry that our society can create a person blessed with so many opportunities who does not see them as such.