One of our friends just passed this week at age 45. We will be attending the funeral tomorrow and will be seing his girls (14 and 11) for the first time since he passed.

He was divorced and his ex is still bitter. When he had the girls, he'd sometimes come over with them so they could ride the horses, play with the dogs, etc. (we live rural). The girls loved it. I'm not sure mom would be willing to bring them over though.

What I'm wondering is, should we keep our mouths shut (always a good idea) or should we just say to the girls, we hope to see them soon and that they are always welcome at our place. I don't want to put their mother in a difficult position (she's probably grieving too) having to either tell the girls no or making a promise she won't keep.

On the other hand, if we don't say anything, I don't want the girls to think that just because their father passed, that we no longer are interested in their lives as we really enjoy having them over. It's kind of a damned if we do, damned if we don't type of thing.

I don't know if I expressed my meaning properly. I'm just a little bit upset with all of this and as he was one of hubby's good friends, seeing hubby grieve gets to me as well as his friend's passing. He was also one of my brother's best friends - so it hits close to home.

How about saying something along the lines of how much you are thinking about them in this horrible time and how you hope to hear from them very soon. I understand that Mom maybe couldn't bring them over but surely you could call them or they could call you just to check in?

You are thinking just in the extremes - either it has to be the way it was before or the relationship has to be completely severed. I understand that it is probably hard to see options during the trying time but I would just encourage you to think of the more middle ground stuff. Visits can be picked up again later if it seems appropriate.

Thanks, Susan, and you're probably right. The brain is functioning on a totally emo level. Of course, we'll be calling them and they'll call us. I just didn't want to say anything stupid (cause sometimes we get foot-in-mouth disease).

Of course we all get foot-in-mouth. But I think it is actually somewhat reassuring to realize that these people are barely paying attention to you. So long as you follow up with regular contact, you could completely screw up at the funeral and nobody is going to remember it a month from now.

I think telling the girls they're welcome to visit would be a good idea, as long as you don't try to make any specific plans without talking to the mom first. That way, they know you're there for them, but you're not really putting the mom in a difficult situation.

Thank you for the responses. It's probably going to be a hard summer for those girls (the divorce was only a few years ago). I guess I just want them to know we're there, without stepping on any toes, if you get my drift. I really, really, don't want to want to make a faux-pas with their mom (who we don't know much) and Posty's suggestion is a good one.

How bitter is the ex? Perhaps you could say something to her along the lines of how much you always enjoyed their visits and you want her to know that if she needs some time to herself during this difficult time, you want her to know that you and hubby would be so happy to still see the kids?

Just let the girls know how sorry you feel that they've lost their father. I'm sure horseback riding will be the farthest thing from their minds.

However, if the mother is there, you might tell her privately that you hope the girls (and she?) will still get to come visit you.

You're right about the horseback riding at this time (I only mentioned it because this is what they love to do when they come over - they don't get that opportunity in the city). Of course their mother would be more than welcome to come visit us. We just don't know her well - and as we were more friends with the father, I wouldn't want to offend her in any way.

Anyhow, I just feel for those girls. I think I'll just put it out there that we are still around for all of them (including the mom if she needs time to herself).

Thanks, all.