Dear Prudence,

You are so right about the non-accepting stepchild.

I am blissfully married to a wonderful man with several grown-up children, all of whom are loving towards me, except for the youngest. Despite the fact that her mother died two years before her father and I even became friends, she pretended our relationship did not exist while we were courting, and then, when we became engaged, went through the roof and told her father he was being disrespectful to her mother's memory to think of marrying again. Her children are not allowed to call me "Granny" and are told that I am not part of the family and nothing to do with them.

I feel sorry for her son who is an affectionate and well-behaved little boy. My husband and I babysat him frequently; he would come and stay the night with us when his parents wanted to go out in the evenings, and it was with us he asked to stay when his mother had to spend a couple of weeks in hospital owing to complications with her last pregnancy. He has bent over backwards, as far as a small child can, to relate to me and to my mother, without being disobedient to his own mother and I can see that he is both torn and embarassed.

The problem has now been partly resolved as my husband has decided to return to the USA, leaving his two youngest children in England. So now he telephones his youngest daughter and speaks to her and his grandson. He puts me onto the telephone to speak to his grandson on the odd times when he knows his daughter is not at home. That way she can carry on imagining I do not exist and nobody gets into trouble! By the way, she is a woman in her mid-thirties and has been with her husband for eight years. I have been married to her father for only five years.

Her little boy must feel dreadfully hurt, though, because he is very close to his Grandad and his cousins have been over twice to visit in the two years we have been in the USA and he only saw him when we made a short visit to England last year. His father would like to bring the family over to visit, but his wife refuses to come and he cannot very well bring the children by himself - if he wants to remain married to her, that is.

I could go into much more detail, but "personality disorder" says it all. I tried to treat her as I treat the others at first, but once I realised she genuinely did not want anything to do with me, I let her get on with it, though of course I will be there for her should she genuinely change her mind. I am not holding my breath!

In her case, the problem is that she was brought up as the only child of the reigning wife (my husband has been tragically widowed twice) and hence was used to having the priveleges of both the eldest and the youngest child, while the other children were treated, in varying degrees, as second class citizens. She regarded her mother as the head of the family and, when she died, felt that the headship of the family passed to her. She feels that the important people to her are on her mother's side of the family and her in-laws, while her father and half-siblings should basically be there when she needs them. His American family, her half-siblings' spouses and myself do not come into the picture. She claims, of course, that she is not yet over her mother's death. The fact of the matter is, though, that her father's marriage to me has put her firmly in the place of the youngest child of the family for the first time in her life. She does not like it.

Having said all that, I am very blessed in my other step-children. After being single and childless until my fifties, it has been a wonderful experience to find I have an affectionate ready-made family of stepchildren and stepgrandchildren, with whom I am, together with my husband, building relationships and happy, family time memories.

Your husband's daughter seems to be operating well within her rights. If it is so impolite of her to be inconsiderate of your feelings, why isn't it impolite of you to be inconsiderate of her feelings?

Some here have commented that the daughter's reaction is childish. That isn't the case really. A truly childish response, one made by an actual child, would be anger, followed by a tantrum, followed by the original parent demanding the child to accept the new order, followed by therapists coaxing the child to accept the new order, followed by the child eventually accepting the new order to appease everyone else. The adult response is to make a decision and act on it and to re-evaluate that decision in light of any new developments over time.

Kirtap,

People with your mentality only perpetuate hard feelings, misery, and bad behavior. Sometimes for generations. No, you don't have to "like" the new person, but you do owe them acknowledgement, politeness, and respect as long as they aren't intentionally hurting you. People divorce and die, why punish the survivors? What is wrong with you?

You seem very immature and bitter...and you oversimplify the meaning of "childish", because both cases are examples of just that. Life is too short and difficult to make it even moreso for yourself and those around you.

Kirtap:

Your husband's daughter seems to be operating well within her rights. If it is so impolite of her to be inconsiderate of your feelings, why isn't it impolite of you to be inconsiderate of her feelings?

Ah, "rights".... funny thing about those. She has the "right" to pretty much do whatever she wants. She has the right to pretend her stepmother doesn't exist. She has the right to force her father, husband, and son to cater to her feelings at the expense of their own. She even has the right to tell random people she sees on the street that they're fat, stupid and ugly. How does that make any of those things acceptable?

Repeat after me- just because you *can* do something, does not mean that you *should*.

mas_tequila:

Kirtap,

People with your mentality only perpetuate hard feelings, misery, and bad behavior. Sometimes for generations. No, you don't have to "like" the new person, but you do owe them acknowledgement, politeness, and respect as long as they aren't intentionally hurting you. People divorce and die, why punish the survivors? What is wrong with you?

The new wife was acknowledged at the outset. The daughter made her feelings very clear as evidenced by the fact that the LW stated as much. The LW did not state that the daughter was impolite in conveying her wishes so I assume she was polite about it and respectful. After that, the new wife has intentionally gone out of her way to trample on the wishes of the daughter, something I would call "intentionally hurtful."

As for punishing the survivors of divorce, you have an odd sense of what punishment means. Forcing the daughter to do something she clearly doesn't want to do should be considered punishment more so than simply telling someone you don't want to get to know them.

You seem very immature and bitter...and you oversimplify the meaning of "childish", because both cases are examples of just that. Life is too short and difficult to make it even moreso for yourself and those around you.

Is this what you mean about being "polite and respectful?" You speak of politeness and respect and expect it from others yet you do not practice what you preach. People with my mentality understand that not everyone is going to like me and I'm not going to like everyone and that's okay. I don't feel the need to acknowledge, or be acknowledged by, everyone I meet. As you say, life is too short, the new wife should stop antagonizing the daughter and move on to the people that like her. Whining about the daughter serves no purpose.

I did not oversimplify the meaning of childish. The daughter has been adult about the situation. She made her feelings clear. When those feelings were ignored and trampled on, she didn't throw a hissy-fit and whine and complain and cry on a national column. She ignored the person who was showing her contempt and she ignored the obvious pity ploy the new wife used. A childish reaction would have been to start screaming and crying about how she doesn't get her way and then kicking the lot of them out of her house.

glutton79:

How does that make any of those things acceptable?

Repeat after me- just because you *can* do something, does not mean that you *should*.

So because everyone else in the family wants something to be a certain way, she should bury her feelings and just go along to appease the rest? At what point does that become acceptable?

Kirtap:

So because everyone else in the family wants something to be a certain way, she should bury her feelings and just go along to appease the rest? At what point does that become acceptable?

Generally, yes. If everyone simply considered other people's feelings at least as much as their own, 99% of these letters would be completely unnecessary.

Part of being a rational human being is not just having feelings, it's considering whether those feelings are reasonable and how you should react to them. People feel anger, resentment, jealousy, irritation, etc., all the time- but when you let it hang out all over the place, that's when you become the crazy lady nobody wants to be around.

Get over it..she doesn't like you....move on. I am married to a man whose daughters don't like me. It doesn't matter and I don't try to change their minds. They are grown women and get to choose the people they like. I don't try to include them in our lives and they seem to be content to stay out. I'm okay, they're okay. I would never ignore them if they come to the front door but of course I have manners.

glutton79:

Generally, yes. If everyone simply considered other people's feelings at least as much as their own, 99% of these letters would be completely unnecessary.

Sounds like a recipe for a major holiday blowout. The stuff that sitcoms are made of. It's not healthy to bow to the whim of the majority all the time. People are individuals as well as being part of a community and sometimes the community needs to consider the feelings of the individual. (I already think 99% of the letters sent into advice columns are unnecessary.)

Part of being a rational human being is not just having feelings, it's considering whether those feelings are reasonable and how you should react to them. People feel anger, resentment, jealousy, irritation, etc., all the time- but when you let it hang out all over the place, that's when you become the crazy lady nobody wants to be around.

In the original letter, the LW's description of the daughter's initial reaction does not seem unreasonable. I have seen several times how these first encounters go and I bet it went something like this:

Dad: Stephanie, I'd like you to meet Angie. We're getting married.

Angie: It's soooo niiiccee to finally meeeet yooou Stephanie. I've heard soooo much about you and I can't wait to get to know you better. I'm sure it's going to be nice having you as a daughter and I can't wait for you to meet your new brothers and sisters! This is going to be soooo neat for you being part of such a big family!

Stephanie wants to punch Angie square in the face but resists that temptation because her father is there beaming with pride, thinking everything is going so well because he's blind to the rage his daughter is feeling. The rage has nothing to do with the divorce or his getting married. It has to do with her perception that she is going to be forced into a relationship with someone she knows nothing about. I would bet money that the daughter waited until later to tell the new wife her feelings. Probably when the new wife called her up to tell (not "ask," "tell") her what her part in the wedding would be.

As adults, we can decide who we choose to be friends with. That includes family members. The LW does not give enough detail to make a judgement that the daughter is acting out of line, in my opinion. (There are no details of their first or subsequent encounters until the obvious intrusion/pity play.) She does give enough detail to make a judgement that the LW is out of line. If you are not welcome in someone's home, you don't go there and you certainly don't bring a second unwelcome guest with you. That's just stupid and rude. Her current course of action, and that recommended by Prudie, will only cause the rift to grow wider. It will also cause the father-daughter relationship to either be strained or to break altogether.

Part of being a rational human being is knowing when another person's feelings are so strong on a subject that you should not try to change them using a direct approach or brute force. In this case, if the new wife really does want to have a relationship with the daughter, she needs to back waaaaaayyy off for the next year. No other course of action is going to endear her to the daughter in any way and will only serve to damage the relationship between the father and daughter.

PRINATL:

Get over it..she doesn't like you....move on. I am married to a man whose daughters don't like me. It doesn't matter and I don't try to change their minds. They are grown women and get to choose the people they like. I don't try to include them in our lives and they seem to be content to stay out. I'm okay, they're okay. I would never ignore them if they come to the front door but of course I have manners.

Oooohhhh a smart lady!!

Apparently this is the "wrong" approach though. In a "civilized" society you should be bringing your mentally challenged kid over to their homes while plying them with gifts and get your husband and other relatives to brow beat them into submission. That's what "polite and civilized" people would do anyway. It's just good manners you know.

Kirtap:

It's not healthy to bow to the whim of the majority all the time. People are individuals as well as being part of a community and sometimes the community needs to consider the feelings of the individual. (I already think 99% of the letters sent into advice columns are unnecessary.)

Considering others' feelings and bowing to their whims are two entirely different things. My oldest daughter, for instance, once had a tantrum when she realized her step-father was going to impose my rules for her even when I wasn't home. I acknowledged that she didn't like the rules and that she didn't always like her step-father. However, I wasn't about to throw him out in the street in order to bow to her wishes. See the difference?

You consider what is best for all involved. Sometimes that means you subjugate your will for the short term in order to make an event more pleasant, like not swearing at your ex at your son's graduation. Other times, it means deciding that your original plan of action, or a similar one, is the best way to go, regardless of whether some people will be upset, like taking a job in a new city even though you'll be farther away from friends and relatives.

Kirtap - You seem to have a lot of anger. Were you in a similar situation at some point?

Unfortunately, the way these adult children are acting is behavior worthy of a young child.

Think this through a little bit. Are you married? Or, if not, are you planning to get married someday? Would it be acceptable to you if either of your parents or one of your siblings refused to consider your spouse or prospective spouse as someone worthy of their attention? If they refused to look him or her in the eye or to speak to him or her when you came to visit? Would it be acceptable for them to tell you that they just couldn't accept the fact that you'd left the nest and were now married to someone that you were forcing them to have a relationship with, but that they, as adults, have the right to choose who they wish to associate with. Your spouse does not meet their qualifications. Or maybe you are or were in a bad marriage and after you leave that relationship and later remarry, your parents tell you that they liked your first spouse much better, that they cannot accept your divorce, or your new spouse who had nothing to do with your divorce. But they have the right to reject him or her because of their feelings. Oh, no, you say, the situations are not the same. In what way are they not the same? Just because a family member has some sort of grievance that has nothing to do with the new spouse does not magically create some sort of right to be rude and disdainful. They can do it, of course, but they shouldn't be surprised if they lose their relationship with the family member on whose spouse they are taking out their anger.

Kirtap has a mental age of about three and thinks that if she shouts and bawls long enough, she can make people obey her......which is what she's accusing other people of trying to do..

She simply doesn't understand how adults behave and isn't interested in learning, which will lead to a lonely life for her.

Sad, really. She'll never be able to manage grown-up relationships if she keeps this up, but there you go; stupid is as stupid does, to shamelessly steal a movie line that she won't understand.

maybe this is coming too late, but i agree with you. if the daughter is willing to sacrifice time with her father because of his wife, i see no problem with that. it;s her choice, and it doesn't make her a bad person.

as an only child whose parents divorced and remarried in my twenties i sympathize with the kids that aren't ready to accept their parent's marriages. these people are NOT my step-parents. i have neve lived in the same home, or been fed, clothed, or disiplined by either of them. so they are not my parents, in any sense of the word.

i could see each of them writing an equally whiny letter about how i won't accept them, when in reality, they are rebuffing me, and blaming it on me.

i think step-parents are biologically wired to reject children from their spouse's previous marriages. mine have never made me feel welcome in my parents' home, and my mother's husband goes as far as to flat out ignore me at family gatherings, all while playing games and having a grand old time with my cousins, aunts, and uncles. my mother has taken his side, has gone as far to say that he doesn't like me, and because of it, we haven't spoken in over six months. i'm quite sure that he blames the estrangement entirely on me.

the point is, we need to hear both sides of the story before we make snap judgements about people. it's never as clear-cut as it seems when people ask advice.