Sometimes I think that people forget that some people refuse to deal with situations that are hard for them until forced to. A step mother wrote you about her rude stepdaughter and how they where treated when she, her husband and handicapped child went over there to bring some gifts. I do not agree with your advice Prudie. I am sorry but one why would the step mother even put her son in that position knowing how that daughter felt? An, in this country we are taught that the daughter must be nice to people that right now she feels no reason in her life she should be, and has the right to her feelings. The only choices the father and step-parent have is either together deside not to go around this child while she feels this way, or for the step mother to sit back and give the daughter and father time to work it out but stay away and that way not be hurt by a grown-up that has made it clear she doesn't want her or her children around and again, "She has that right." Just as the parents have the right to deal with it in a manor the daughter may not like herself. But, at this point a confrontation would only cause more anger, finger pointing and hositility it certainly would not put them together close as a family.

Sincerely,

Sorry but she is a grown up too.

"Sorry but she is a grown up too."

She hardly acts like it.

I'm not exactly clear what it is you're trying to say, but congratulations on the blue checkmark.

Having said that - Both are at fault.

The stepmother offered a somewhat clumsy effort to make nice with her husband's daughter, after the daughter had told step mom she wasn't interested in any association. The stepmom is pushy and unrealistic expecting her husband's kids to accept her and her kids as "family" it doesn't work that way under the best of circumstances.

Stepdaughter is not acting like a grownup. She acts more like the small child shrieking "You're not my mom!" Ten years is way too long to be resentful about your parents' divorce. She could have kept her opinion of the stepmom to herself and made excuses about the play dates. That's what polite and civilized people do, until maybe the stepmom gets a clue or gives up.

Stepmom violated rule 3:

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I still wonder what story mommie told her daughter about the divorce and her remarriage.

tonto_goldberg:

I still wonder what story mommie told her daughter about the divorce and her remarriage.

I kind of thought maybe the husband didn't give the LW the full story. We all know people who get divorced after being the world's biggest [expletive deleted], and then tell all their future love interests how mean the ex was to them. "Forensic Files" has them profiled all the time, which is an extreme case. Dad may be one of those who blamed his bad behavior on his ex, but the other siblings are mature enough to recognize that their parent's divorce had nothing to do with the kids.

First of all the writer is the wife of the young woman's father, she is not her stepmother. Just because the father married this woman, his daughter is not obligated to accept her and her children as family.

There were several clues in the letter making it obvious the young woman is not interested in being "included" as a part of this woman's family.

The new wife needs to enjoy her relationship with her husband, and allow him to see his daughter and grandchildren without her tagging along.

blondeness032:

First of all the writer is the wife of the young woman's father, she is not her stepmother.

You're a lot more coherent than the top poster, except for this huge definition problem. Her father's wife is her stepmother, whether she wants it to be that way or not.

blondeness032:

Just because the father married this woman, his daughter is not obligated to accept her and her children as family.

There were several clues in the letter making it obvious the young woman is not interested in being "included" as a part of this woman's family.

I agree with you 100% on that. Lots of people have family that they do not associate with for good or bad reasons. It doesn't make them "not family" since "family" is a definition and not a feeling.

blondeness032:

The new wife needs to enjoy her relationship with her husband, and allow him to see his daughter and grandchildren without her tagging along.

If the daughter expects Dad to show up for holidays and "family" events without his wife, something is going to give. Would you want your father to spend his life alone so you wouldn't be obligated to snub his new wife?

blondeness032:

The new wife needs to enjoy her relationship with her husband, and allow him to see his daughter and grandchildren without her tagging along.

Yeah, the "tagging along" doesn't so much apply to a spouse. If the daughter can't accept that they're married now, she shouldn't expect to see much of her dad.

The stepdaughter is certainly not obligated to accept her father's new wife and children as her family. While we don't know all the facts, being rude to the son and hurting his feelings is unecessary and inexcusable. I have worked with individuals with disabilities and it is painful to see them hurt by rejection. Most are acutely aware of their differences. In addition, it must be hurtful to her father. There is a big difference between declining to participate in family events and offensive, childish behavior. She may just be a miserable human being.