I don't understand why the apprehensive stepmother would visit her stepdaughter when it was already made clear to her that she wasn't welcome, for whatever reason.

Sending gifts to semi-estranged family members is one thing, but showing up on someone's doorstep is intrusive. In addition, the fact that she was bringing gifts to the kids, while kind on the surface, puts the stepdaughter in an awkward situation. I would hazard to guess that the LW was trying to "break the ice" by bringing gifts to the kids, forcing some sort of friendly interaction from someone who didn't want her there. It's very possible that the daughter didn't know that the wife and kid were coming, and had hoped to see her father one on one. The LW should have anticipated this problem and kept her son away from the situation if she feels the need to protect his feelings.

It's not necessary for everyone to want to be a "big happy family" together. They don't live in the same household, and don't even really need to get along past civility at family gatherings. It's also not necessary for two grown women with children on their own to try to force a friendship because their parents got married. Having children of the same age does not mean that two people will get along.

I think that the LW should back off of the daughter and let her spend some more time getting used to the situation. Certainly forcing the father to take sides by having a "serious talk" with his daughter will exacerbate the problem. At the very least, the LW should accept the fact that she can't make the daughter any happier about the remarriage than the daughter can make her unhappy about it.

Thank you, lisaz. You said it much better and much more rationally than I. You should have Prudie's job.

Blog on!

I agree with you, but I want to raise a point. Maybe the stupid father is trying to "force" the issue. No man wants to be stuck between a catty wife and a catty daughter. Even if the wife is not catty (we all know the daughter is), she will be seen as catty is she tries to get her husband to have a serious talk with her.

In fact, we do NOT all know that the daughter is catty. What we know is what the interloper wife has told us. To take her word as being even close to being genuine is naive and purposely obtuse.

No doubt the father is NOT the one forcing the issue. The interloper of a new wife is. She's messing with this young woman, control freak megalomanic that she certainly is.

Oh Sonny, please - you don't know anything of the sort. Why dump on the new wife who just seems like she's trying to be friendly? Interloper??? God forbid somebody try to be friendly in this world. What a crime - let's stone her. The daughter sounds like a prize jerk, but the world is full of jerks. LIfe is too short - it sounds like this married couple is in their 60's. Beyond telling new husband how disappointing it is that daughter is unfriendly and rude, wife needs to just drop it and consider the daughter a lost cause. Move on to the people in her life who truly do love her - the big loser is the crabby daughter. I hope she has lovely life, sitting at home alone.

The reason that I think the LW is the one trying to force the issue is that she is the one who wrote into Prudie. If the husband were trying to force the issue, I think that the letter would have been written differently (and probably by the husband!)

Along with Sonny PI67, I don't necessarily think that the daughter is catty. She may have felt ambushed and manipulated by the fact that her stepmother showed up at her home, especially with presents and the sympathy-inducing (yes, the LW was playing it up, IMO) handicapped son. This snub was the only part of the daughter's description that seemed at all rude (as opposed to not wanting to make an effort to integrate into the new family).

It's a tough thing when steps don't want to have the relationship with you that you want to have with them, but the LW is taking it way too personally, almost to the point of narcissism. Regardless of the stepdaughter's actions, the LW needs to realize that she *cannot* control how other people feel about her and her marriage, and that she cannot control the actions of others. The stepdaughter's behavior is not her problem *unless* she keeps trying to have a relationship and is hurt by the continual rejection. They aren't living in the household, and it's perfectly possible for the husband to have a good relationship with both wife and daughter.

Notice that there are no stories of snubs or cold shoulders at family gatherings and no stories of horrible things that the girl has said about the LW or her family. Her biggest crime seems to be not wanting to engage with the LW and family.

ElleBlue, Sorry, I went on a little too long, certainly longer than your post warrented. Basically, the only part directed at you was about the fact that the wife wrote the letter, not the husband. The other part sounds a little too preachy now that I look at it again!

Exactly the point. I think the writer of the letter is the one with the personality disorder.

And why is the new wife's daughter is making repeated overtures? I have a feeling the stepmother is pushing her to try to get the daughters together.

I SO have this woman's number. She sounds just like my own mother. The new husband is SCREWED.

Lisa,

All I'm trying to say, is it sounds like the LW is the only one dreaming of holidays with the blended family. My parents divorced and my father is remarried. We all get along well. I can't imagine what our holdidays would be like if we didn't get along. My father always moved heaven and earth to be sure to get us all together too. Some of us live out of State and abroad. When one of us comes into to town, my father and step mom make a LOT of phone calls to try to get everyone together, especially on holidays.

This nasty daughter is really just making everyone else's life difficult. She is treating the situation as if it was the father who left the mother for the new wife. That is not the case. Does she want her father to grow old alone? My guess is yes.

SonnyPI67:

In fact, we do NOT all know that the daughter is catty. What we know is what the interloper wife has told us. To take her word as being even close to being genuine is naive and purposely obtuse.

The daughter's rude behavior is a dead give away that she is catty. What makes the step mother an interloper? Because she married a man who had already raised a family? God forbid!

SonnyPI67:

No doubt the father is NOT the one forcing the issue. The interloper of a new wife is. She's messing with this young woman, control freak megalomanic that she certainly is.

How do you know the father is not forcing the issue? He could be a quiet "behind the scenes" type of person! I'm sure the father is NOT happy about dear wife and dear daughter not getting along. Who in their right mind would be?

She's messing around with the young woman and is a control freak? Puleeze! She is trying to create harmony in this blended family. She loves her husband and wants peace for her husband's sake as well as her own.

Wow. You're pretty paranoid, ElleBlue. And you're making assumptions based on no evidence.

How do you know that the fater is forcing the issue? You don't. You assume he is. Fine, that is your choice. Make an ass out of yourself, but I'll not be dragged along.

The letter writer is the interloper, not the husband. That is evidence to make an assumption. As opposed to your evidence, which is, um, nihl.

Creating harmony my ass. I've heard that bs before. It's the kind of thing catty, manipulate people say to mask their sleazy behavhoir. She is not trying to create harmony. She is trying to create the appearance of harmony by forcing this young woman, who we all admit is an adult, to do something she has clearly stated that she does not want to do. And why? So she can live in blissful ignorance of the truly complicated situation that she has chosen to enter into. The LW doesn't want to deal with the complexities, she wants to ignor them. She want to sweep them under the rug so she can pretend to be happy. It's reprehensible behavoir, and should be criminal. And the fact that you can't aknowledge that only proves that you're probably this woman's clone, if you are not her in fact.

Let it go already.

Elle,

It seems to me that the LW is a little too wrapped up in her blended family dreams to accept the fact that not everybody shares them. It sounds as if she wants to change the way that the daughter feels about her, and it's just not going to happen if she tries to force it.

My mother is also remarried, and her husband is one of the most wonderful men I know. Some if his kids, however, are having a tough time adjusting to the situation, so I actually *do* know what it's like when some people are unresponsive, to put it delicately. The truth is, you just go on with your holiday, and realize that their problems with the family are *their* problems, and don't let it get to you.

However, the LW never mentions any trouble during holidays, just the fact that she doesn't want to try to establish relationships with the new step siblings, who are not living with her and whom she will probably only see on holidays (unless they come to her house).

I think it's reasonable to assume that the snub at the house is the worst that the daughter has done, which is why the LW described it. It's not polite, but on it's own, I don't think it's enough to characterize her as nasty, not knowing the circumstances.

As for the mother being the cheater, I don't think that really matters in the end. Maybe she doesn't like the new wife, maybe she feels pushed out of the way after emotionally supporting the father, maybe she was just having a really bad day, thanked the father and sent them on the way, and the LW is overreacting. It's possible that the daughter is a nasty person, but the truth is that we don't know. I think that the letter gives a lot more insight into the LW's issues than into those of the daughter.

SonnyPI67:

What we know is what the interloper wife has told us.

Interloper? She married a man who has been divorced for ten years. That's hardly "interloping".

SonnyPI67:

To take her word as being even close to being genuine is naive and purposely obtuse.

Well, we certainly can make up any story we want about what "really" happened. But why bother responding to the letters at all, then? All we know is what the LWs say. Do they give the whole truth? No. Do they lie? Probably. But since we can't know what really happened, it's best to give advice based on what the LW said instead of making up any one of an infinite possibilities.

SonnyPI67:

She's messing with this young woman, control freak megalomanic that she certainly is.

I'll assume you're being sarcastic because obvsiously this statement is simply absurd.

lisaz:

I don't necessarily think that the daughter is catty. She may have felt ambushed and manipulated by the fact that her stepmother showed up at her home ... This snub was the only part of the daughter's description that seemed at all rude

Why assume that she showed up unannounced? She doesn't say that she dropped by unexpectedly. If her husband was going to head there to give presents to his grandchildren, it seems reasonable that he would bring his wife.

I think it is rude to not acknowledge your parents' spouses ... especially in a case like this where she had nothing to do with the break-up of the marriage. You don't have to *like* them, but you should treat them with respect that you would want your spouse treated with.

lisaz:

Notice that there are no stories of snubs or cold shoulders at family gathering

I hardly think that giving Prudie a laundry list of the "wrongs" done to her would be useful. After all, her letter can only be so long.

pollyannacowgirl:

And why is the new wife's daughter is making repeated overtures?

People with a new spouse often desire to have their spouse's family accept them as part of the family. This is especially true for people who marry those with children. Her desire is perfectly normal.

SonnyPI67:

Creating harmony my ass. I've heard that bs before. It's the kind of thing catty, manipulate people say to mask their sleazy behavhoir.

And just what is sleezy about wanting to get along with your husband's children, or to have your children and his children get along? That seems a bit extreme.

SonnyPI67:

The LW doesn't want to deal with the complexities, she wants to ignor them.

What complexities? This seems rather simple to me. She married a man whose previous wife dumped him for another man *ten* years ago. The fact that his daughter is still hoping for some sort of "Parent Trap" event to get her parents back together simply shows that she's selfish and immature.

SonnyPI67:

And the fact that you can't aknowledge that only proves that you're probably this woman's clone, if you are not her in fact.

Elle sounds like a perfectly reasonable person. Of course, this means you'll accuse me of being her clone and the clone of the LW. Oh well. Do you actually have any contact with your family? It's obvious to me that you're a bit of a jerk and don't understand the way most people think.