Prudie, I usually agree with your advice, but on this one, I COMPLETELY disagree. Just because the daughter doesn't want to make friends with her dad's new family, that doesn't mean she has a personality disorder. I don't even think the daughter is out of line. She's made it clear that she's not ready to get to know these new people; she probably doesn't consider them family at all.

The daughter had no say in her parents breaking up. She had to say in either of them remarrying. The one thing she does have say about is how she reacts to it all. (I bet you $10 that the daughter doesn't speak to her new stepfather either.) In her own way, this is how the daughter's taking control over the situation. The stepmother should not take anything personally. If the stepmother was the best person in the world, the daughter still wouldn't want to speak to her.

The dad should continue his normal relationship with his daughter ALONE. The stepmother should give the daughter space. When the daughter is ready to open up, she will. Don't rush her into it.

The daughter is not looney. She's hurt. And the stepmother (and her kids!) constantly pressing for a relationship is just a loud reminder of what the daughter used to have with her own folks. Leave her be.

"She's hurt"?? Here' the answer to that: SO WHAT. She's an adult, her father is an adult, it's lime to behave like an adult.

Let's stop excusing horrible behavior because of our "hurt" feelings.

The breakup was 10 years ago, and the daughter is an adult. She doesn't have to accept her new stepmother as family or even a friend, but she should at least be courteous. Instead, she's acting like a child and being incredibly rude and insensitive. Her lack of regard for the feelings of others, especially a handicapped man who may not understand why he is being ignored, could indicate a personality disorder, or just plain bitchiness.

I feel that the stepmother was just as rude an insensitive by showing up at the daughter's doorstep. She *knew* that the daughter didn't want to see her, and she pulled out all the stops, bringing the kids presents and having the mentally handicapped son come along.

Some would think that she was trying to guilt the daughter into being nice to her. ("How can she be so rude after I brought presents for her babies? And in front of my mentally challenged son, too!")

If the stepmother didn't want the son's feelings to be hurt, she shouldn't have led him to the doorstep of someone who has already indicated that she doesn't want to interact with him.

You are right about one thing...the daughter does have control over how she treats her new stepmother. An adult treats all people, no matter who they are, with a modicum of respect. Even if she doesn't want to be family with the her father's new wife, she can treat her with the same courtesy she would a stranger or an aquaintance. This "woman" sounds like a snotty 10-year old brat. You, too, sound a little like a brat. I think you are projecting your own reaction to a similiar issue on this woman.

And another thing; did she want her poor father to spend the rest of his life alone? Does she want to ruin his, probably, last chance for happiness? How utterly selfish. If it isn't a personality disorder, then I would say she was raised to beleive she's the center of the universe and that the world should conform to her needs and wishes, not the other way around.

First of all anyone who buys the depction of this letter writer as sucn an angel while her step-dauther is such a witch is naive. That or they want to believe it because the circumstances of the situation mirror their own and they do want to feel badly about it themselves. I'm going to go ahead and guess that this person is a self-centered, self-entitled Boomer type.

And here's a question: How mentally handicapped can this woman's son be if he realized that he was not welcome? Probably not very. It smacks of a serious exaggeration in order to make her, the letter writer, look more noble and the younger woman look more evil. But some people will believe anything.

Ultimately, I agree with raprilc. This young woman is an adult and as such is not required to accept this interloper as family, nor does she have to accept her children. You can call her bahavoir whatever you like, Prudie can even denegrate her by asserting that she has a personality disorder (shame on your, Emily, stigmatizing someone like that), but the fact remains it is her choice. If the interloper and her progyny don't like it, that is their problem.

And as long as we're talking about rude behavoir. How rude is it to show up at the house of someone who doesn't want you there? That's right, an interloper would, because they go whereever they want without regared to whatever other people might want.

This woman's (the letter writer) problem is that she wants to ignore the complexities in the relationship that she has chosen to be a part of. She just assumed that everyone would be joyful about it. Imagine her surprise when someone wasn't. Oh my goodness. That just won't do it all. So her, and Prudie's, answer is to manipulate this other woman, a mother a and wife who seems to have been able to hold her marriage together, into forcing her to pretend that she likes someone that she cleary does not, to suffer in her presence so that this interloper can live in blissful denail. Yep, this woman has to be a Booomer. It is so typical.

It is an interesting omission that the interloper does not explain the circumstances of her won marital break up, something one must assume at. Also, there is no metion of how long the interloper has been involved with "my husband."

I'm going to go ahead an root for the young woman to stick to her guns, if that is what she wants to do. Accept this woman and her children if you want to, honey. Not because you're manipulated into it. And if her old man comes to her and does what Prudie suggest, well, two can play that game. Simply say, well, I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way Dad. I tell you what, you let me know whe you, and you alone, are aviable to spend time with me and your grandchildren. I don't know what I will tell the kids, though. Maybe I'll just suggest that they ask you why you pefer spending time with your new family than with us?

lizaz is dead on. This woman used her so called "mentall challenged" son as a weapon to guilt this younger woman. She playing games, as women like her are wont to do. Shame on her. What kind of horrible person does such a thing. I wouldn't want her in my life nor around my children either. The shrew!

I'll stick for the "mentally handicapped son". Just because he's handicapped doesn't mean he's completely unaware of what's going on. I assume he knows, more than most of us, what it's like to be rejected.

On the whole I'm with the peanut gallery on this one, but the daughter should at least be cool and civil toward the Evil Stepmonster.

I was just about to reply to your previous post saying that *I* agreed with *you*!

I have four new step siblings, two of whom do not seem very happy about the remarriage of their father. I hope that I can be more patient with them, since they seem like nice enough people, just not ready to enjoy any relationship with the "steps" yet (I've gotten the cold shoulder on a few occasions). I live overseas, so it's a little easier for me, but it's a hard balancing act, trying to be welcoming and friendly without being overly pushy. Certainly asking their father to intervene in the matter would not help things between us at all, since they'd probably just see it as interfering in their relationship with their dad.

I don't doubt you're right, Jackrut, that a mentally handicap person could be aware of such things. I'm hesitant to agree that such a person would be more in tune. But anyway, point is more that the woman is exaggerating her status as a mentally handicap person in order to slant thing in her favor.

And anyway, I've met my share of mentally handicapped people and in many ways they are like us normies. Some are very likeable, some now. You can say it is not their fault, but that doesn't really change the fact.

Ooo. That's going to really get me in dutch ain't it

You are joking, right? The woman "used" her mentally handicapped son...wow. Maybe they were on the way somewhere with the mentally handicapped son and stopped there with the gifts. If it was Christmas or a major holiday, I bet that was the case. But I suppose the new wife and the step son should have stayed at home.

We, of course, don't know the circumstances. In fact, we probably aren't even reading the whole letter. The stepmother could be an unreliable narrator, but the fact is, we have to (as well as Prudie) taker her word for what she says. I think some of you are step children, so ofcourse you are going to take the side of the step child. Maybe you had a wicked stepmother, or you don't like your parent's new spouse. Not liking someone is fine. I don't like a lot of people. That doesn't mean I ignore them.

And as for the whole boomer thing, since when is common courtesy a boomer attribute? I do think the writer should give up on making friends with the daugher.That may be a boomer atitude. I would just say fuck her (but then, I'm a gen Xer) but that doesn't mean the daughter shouldn't be civil. Civility is the cornerstone of, you guessed it, civilization. Widowed fathers and mothers have been remarrying FOREVER; I was just watching Sense and Sensibility on PBS, and there is a perfect example of what can happen when the "old" family clashes with the "new" family.

I used to write obituaries for the newspaper, and you wouldn't beleive the drama between blended families. Maybe because I grew up in a stable two parent household, (well until my father passed away...and no my mother hasn't been on so much as a date in 17 years since he died) I just don't understand. But, beyond differences in opinion, doesn't the daughter and new wife share one thing in common: they both love their father/husband? Don't they want him, at least, to be happy?

Hey stackey, it's clear that you're up on a pretty high horse so hopefull you'll be able to hear me from way down in the muck here.

I wouldn't say I am joking exactly. But I am not taking this as seriously as you obviously are, because the letter is just a little too pat. Taking the LW and Prudie at their word if you want, but I'd expet a real GenXer to employ a keener eyes and sense of analysis about such things. But you're probably only a GenXer in age, and not true sensibility. (look it up if that confuses you)

Maybe it was a holiday, but we don't know that. So that point is mute. Anyway, more likely assume that the interloper shrew of a stepmother decided to ball bust her husband until he agreed to pose such a confrontation.

And if you really believe that civility is the bedrock of civilization than you are even more naive than I first thought. What gumdrop tree and cotton candy cloud fairy tale land do you motor around in anway. Tell me, how does it smell? You know, with your head up your back side. Seems like you'd be wanting a little freshly polluted air by now. Come out, come out into the real world. See? It isn't perfect, but it is a whole lot better than your butt.

But I'm sorry, I forgot that writing obituaries is like the second wisest profession on earth next to the Dahli Lama or whatever.

No offense, lady, but everything you don't know could overflow the blogosphere.

And just for the record I am not a stepchild. My parents have been married for 55 years and counting. But I know a few. And I know a mind-fucker when I see one.

Good heavens Sonny - don't you sound like a happy person! Look, this LW sounds like she was just trying to be nice. Since when is that a crime? But I agree that pushing the issue with her husband is probably not useful. If the bitch daughter takes your advice and "plays a game" using the man's grandchildren as pawns, that's something no one else can control. But the wife should not engage in such childish loyalty tests. The step-daughter dislikes the wife for whatever reason and has demonstrated that she will cause a public scene and has no problem with insulting the wife or the mentally-handicapped son to their faces.

So cut that chick off your dance card. Go where people love you. Life is too short - you found a man who makes you happy. Cherish that and let the dopey daughter sit alone eating worms. Move on.

Sonny P167 words in Italics.The quotes aren't working.

First of all anyone who buys the depction of this letter writer as sucn an angel while her step-dauther is such a witch is naive. That or they want to believe it because the circumstances of the situation mirror their own and they do want to feel badly about it themselves. I'm going to go ahead and guess that this person is a self-centered, self-entitled Boomer type.

And here's a question: How mentally handicapped can this woman's son be if he realized that he was not welcome? Probably not very. It smacks of a serious exaggeration in order to make her, the letter writer, look more noble and the younger woman look more evil. But some people will believe anything.

First of all the son is mentally handicapped. He's not a vegetable! Anyone can pick up a negative vibe or realize something is wrong when everyone else talks to him and she just ignores him.

No one is saying the LW is an angel. But this daughter is acting like a spoiled brat. I hate to break it to this woman, but all her pouting will probably estrange her from her own father. If she had half a brain, she'd try and act civil to the new wife.

Ultimately, I agree with raprilc. This young woman is an adult and as such is not required to accept this interloper as family, nor does she have to accept her children. You can call her bahavoir whatever you like, Prudie can even denegrate her by asserting that she has a personality disorder (shame on your, Emily, stigmatizing someone like that), but the fact remains it is her choice. If the interloper and her progyny don't like it, that is their problem.

Any "adult" who "can't accept" her father's choice to remarry is a baby! Most incredibly immature people who are supposed to be adults, do have a personality disorder. There is no other logical way to describe her lousy personalities.

And as long as we're talking about rude behavoir. How rude is it to show up at the house of someone who doesn't want you there? That's right, an interloper would, because they go whereever they want without regared to whatever other people might want.

Yeah, that was pretty rude of the new wife to just show up on step daughter's doorstep. But I suppose it's okay to accept the gifts and then turn around and rude to HER son. Yeah, that is REAL class.

This woman's (the letter writer) problem is that she wants to ignore the complexities in the relationship that she has chosen to be a part of. She just assumed that everyone would be joyful about it. Imagine her surprise when someone wasn't. Oh my goodness.

ummnn maybe the father wants everyone to get along. Sonny, I'm guessing you're a guy. Would you want two petty woman not getting along and both trying to be number 1 with you? No guy can stand such drama.

That just won't do it all. So her, and Prudie's, answer is to manipulate this other woman, a mother a and wife who seems to have been able to hold her marriage together, into forcing her to pretend that she likes someone that she cleary does not, to suffer in her presence so that this interloper can live in blissful denail. Yep, this woman has to be a Booomer. It is so typical.

Judge much?

SonnyPI67:

lizaz is dead on. This woman used her so called "mentall challenged" son as a weapon to guilt this younger woman. She playing games, as women like her are wont to do. Shame on her. What kind of horrible person does such a thing. I wouldn't want her in my life nor around my children either. The shrew!

What no one is considering here, is the step mother wouldn't be going to the stepdaughter's house, unless the father / husband had something to do with this. He either dragged her along with him to his daughter's house or he set up a date with the daughter and the daughter complied to only let them sit on her couch.

They brought gifts, right? The wench accepted the gifts and she can't even say thank you to the (partial) gift giver?