Huh? Can't agree with Prudie here. The woman doesn't care to treat you as family? That's her right, and it doesn't mean she's ready for the psychiatric ward.

This is not a child who has to be a part of family life. This is a grown women with her own family. Let's see: she's got the family she was born into, perhaps family relations with her cheating mother and her guy, certainly family relations with her in-laws, and of course her husband and the family they've founded. Doesn't she have the right to say that she really doesn't want to take on yet another family, an extended family that is only connected to her by her father's marriage late in life to LW?

OK, she's rude. So get the message and leave her be.

interestingly enough, having a personality disorder alone does not necessarily qualify one for committal to a "psychiatric ward."

and I agree. if she's made it clear, by words or actions, that she's too inflexible to expand her family to include someone she didn't choose, then everyone else is better off without her in their lives.

after all, love and tolerance are finite, non-fungible commodities, right?

I agree with you both-- but that doesn't mean I wouldn't get in the daughter's face (so she couldn't possibly ignore me) and tell her what for-- just once.

I would have to disagree in part. Of course you can't force her to accept new family however she should be mature enough to at LEAST be civil towards her father's new wife and family. Its not this woman's fault that her mother ended the marriage with her father so its unfair of her to take it out on her. A simple cordial hello and small talk isn't so much to ask is it? There's no reason to treat her father's new wife as if she were less than human.

"Choosing to take on a new family" and total rudeness are NOT the only options... there's no rational reason why a person can't be courteous when they encounter someone while still not having them become a big part of their life. So, there are two possibilites I see here.

1. The new step-mom is pushy about wanting to be a family and this type of rudeness is the daugher's response

2. The daughter is a jerk.

Of course, they aren't mutually exclusive, either.

For the first time, I feel compelled to call Prudence out on this on - her advice seemed way off the mark to me.

A grown daughter whose parents were together for 30 years and then her Mom cheated, re-married and Dad remarried as well. To say that there is something wrong with her mentally just because she wants nothing to do with the new step mom is ridiculous - why do they insist on visiting with her in the first place? I think the new step mom is insisting on creating a relationship that isn't fair to the daughter.

Obviously I am speaking from the heart - both my parents have new families, and young or old, it feels as if you are left floating in the middle with nothing. The stepmom needs to leave things be and let the daughter do as she pleases - if she does not like the rudeness, then she should not but herself in those positions.

It's fine if the daughter doesn't want a relationship and doesn't want to "treat them as family" but to refuse to even say hello is just childish and uncalled for. This woman is her father's wife and the mentally handicapped kid is just along for the ride. Say hello, offer a glass of water and then hurry them on their way.

She's well within her rights to invite Dad to visit alone. But when Stepmother and Stepsiblings are there, it's just rude to refuse to even look at them. You don't have to love the people your loved ones chose as spouses but to be outright rude is just uncivilized.

I hate my uncle's ex-fiance. I do not want relationship with her. I disapprove of his continued relationship with her. But I do say hello and respond politely when she speaks to me. I then find a reason to "help" in the kitchen or retrieve something from the basement, etc. She matters to him, so out of respect for him and for my grandmother (whose home we are always in when she's there) I'm civil. This chick can do the same.

OK, bajacall, I'll give you that first point. Although I would say that rudeness:personality disorder :: personality disorder:psychiatric ward.

The point being, LW: get a life and stop trying to change people who don't want to deal with you.

Grown step-daughter: when you're with your father and his new wife's family, be cordial and courteous.

Prudie, I usually agree with your advice, but on this one, I COMPLETELY disagree. Just because the daughter doesn't want to make friends with her dad's new family, that doesn't mean she has a personality disorder. I don't even think the daughter is out of line. She's made it clear that she's not ready to get to know these new people; she probably doesn't consider them family at all.

The daughter had no say in her parents breaking up. She had to say in either of them remarrying. The one thing she does have say about is how she reacts to it all. (I bet you $10 that the daughter doesn't speak to her new stepfather either.) In her own way, this is how the daughter's taking control over the situation. The stepmother should not take anything personally. If the stepmother was the best person in the world, the daughter still wouldn't want to speak to her.

The dad should continue his normal relationship with his daughter ALONE. The stepmother should give the daughter space. When the daughter is ready to open up, she will. Don't rush her into it.

The daughter is not looney. She's hurt. And the stepmother (and her kids!) constantly pressing for a relationship is just a loud reminder of what the daughter used to have with her own folks. Leave her be.

What gets me on this one is that this is the father's new wife the daughter is taking issue with. If memory serves me correctly, the mother left the marriage to be with a man she'd been cheating with, so I fail to understand why a theoretically daughter is taking issue with her father's new wife. The marriage broke up ten years ago and this woman had absolutely nothing to do with it. The daughter doesn't have to love her father's choice of spouse, but a little bit of courtesy wouldn't be amiss. Good grief.

Uhm, that should read "theoretically adult daughter". Trying to do too many things at once.

I'm sure just about everyone has had someone join their family that they're not crazy about. But you just suck it up and deal. If I were the LW I would just say f her and not press any issue. I would tell hubby to just visit her without me. The LW has kids already she doesn't need any more.

However, I have a REALLY HARD TIME feeling any compassion for the daughter. I am reminded of the way my own mother acted like a complete retard when her parents divorced when she was 32. I was 6. Granddad left Grandma for another woman and while I understand the pain my mom might have felt, I feel my Granddad's actions were understandable. And what happened between both my grandparents (basically Granddad was overlooked, overworked, underappreciated...etc.) is between both my grandparents. My mom cut her dad off and told me he died and went to Hell. I figured out he was alive when I was 10 and he died when I was 12.

Can't these people just get along for the sake of the grandchildren? If daddy cuts off daughter what about her children? Why the hell can't the LW just say, ok you're daughter is having issues, hubby just visit her without me.

it was rude, and then it went over the line.

she even refused to make eye contact, or acknowledge the stepmother, who stood along side her birth father.

this is a person who perhaps has NO friends, rather than too many friends to make time for family. she doesn't know how to be friendly.

having no friends is a symptom of a personality disorder, perhaps.

Oh yeah, my Mom has some disorders but not a personality one. So this chick could have something. But now in these days everyone has 'something' if you look close enough.

We are only hearing one side of the breakup of that marriage. And if the mother did leave, it still doesn't mean this new stepmother is entitled to be a part of this daughter's life. These are not personality disorders but common problems for many people. Leave the personality disorder diagnosis to the trained professionals who actually know the person. Reading a letter and then making a diagnosis based on a one sided letter, well, that sure makes for a good job. Where can i get one like that?