Dear Prudence:

My Daughter is 19 years old and lives next door to me she has an 18 month old daughter and has been slipping into a lifestyle that is unsafe for her and her daughter. Although, I have my granddaughter all the time when I am not at work, it became increasing apparent that if I did not take action soon, my granddaughter could be in serious danger. I teamed up with the father of the baby and has taken my granddaughter away from my daughter. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life especially now that I do not see my granddaughter everyday. I was just concerned that my granddaughter was going to become a statistic and i needed to protect her. Please let your readers know that if they see a family member not caring properly for thier children to take action before it is too late. This message is in response to your posting today of the sister wanting to take her niece away from her out of control sister.

Sincerely

heartbroken

Good for you heartbroken. I thank God for people like you who care about the little ones every day. I hope that you can get your daughter help.

I am also raising a grandchild and my daughter, his mother has come such a long way in the last few years. Hang in there and do the best you can. Things can get better for all of you.

I have a question.

Is this the same unsafe lifestyle choice that got her pregnant when she was sixteen, under your guidance?

can you do math? 18 months isnt 3 years dude. Sounds like she was probably 18 wwhen she got pregnant. Lots of kids who were raised well, go out and rebel massively when they turn 18. She took the baby out of a bad situation thats what really matters.

18 + 9 = 27 months is more than 2 years. She was at most 17 when she got pregnant, possibly 16.

Wow, I am amazed at the angry perfect people out there. The longer you live the more you appreciate that we are all so different and perfect people are always............... perfect people. Thankful for my imperfections, learning from mistakes and having a greater compassion for others on the journey. Grandmother did the right thing and hope she has some good support out there.

The daughter is 19 years old, the baby is 18 months.

18 months old + 9 months to incubate = 27 months.

19 years - 27 months is 16 years od + a few months, give or take. I'll go out on a limb and say she was 17, does that make YOU feel better?

This is a case of shutting the barn door after the horse is gone.

If Heartbroken was concerned about the unsafe lifestyle her daughter was subjecting her granddaughter to, she'd go back to the drawing board and help her daughter. Get her some help, intervene. Sign her up for counseling, drug re-hab, move her in, watch the granddaughter.

Instead she took her kid away and gave her to the baby daddy. How the hell is enabling her to continue on an unsafe path without having to look after and be responsible for her kid going to make her want to straighten up and fly right?

Because the kid is gone? The road to self-destruction is always easier to run down when there is nothing standing in your way.

And I hope for the sake of he daughter that the baby daddy gives the kid back to her mommy if and when she gets her shit together.

Otherwise her mom is going to be in a world of hurt.

pbev,

Sure, the daughter got pregnant when she was 16/17. And maybe there were mistakes made by the grandmother (something that we don't know for sure...maybe the daughter suffered some sort of trauma and rebelled as a way of dealing with it) - but that doesn't change the current situation - a child in danger. Regardless of how or why the daughter got to be how she is, the baby shouldn't be offered up as some sort of 'remedy' to her situation. That's not fair to the child and it would be irresponsible and dangerous. The grandmother is doing a loving and responsible thing and doing the best she can: clearly she is unable to take the child on full time so she's ensuring that he/she is in a safe environment even if she can't be there. The immediate danger is now taken care of and now the focus can be on getting the daughter help.

And contrary to exposing her mom to a world of hurt, I think there's a chance that the daughter will thank her mom (if and when she gets her ish together) for keeping her daughter safe while she was a danger to her and herself.

I hope she doesn't regret the actions she has taken. I hope her daughter gets her act together.

If her granddaughter were in immediate danger, that would be grounds for calling CPS. She was right next door. What did she see that was enough to TEAM up with the baby daddy and remove the kid from her mommy? Something illegal? That would be grounds for calling the cops.

Making someone responsible for their actions is always a hard decision. If this is her gentle solution to the problem, I'd hate to see her over react. Sure she is heartbroken.

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Gawd I hate to sound like SF but here goes.

Where were you when your daughter was getting knocked up?

Has she only been pregnant once?

Did she finish high school?

Does she hold down a job?

What exactly does slipping into an unsafe lifestyle really mean? Be specific.

Have you seen your daughter break the law?

Does she do drugs?

Does she run a crack den next door to you?

Does she bring gangbangers home and doing 'em in front on the kid?

Have you ever witnessed her abusing your graddaughter?

And lastly, why would you TEAM up with the guy who knocked up your teenage daughter?

Enquiring minds wanna know.

Nobody IS perfect. Is that what you want to hear? Did it ever occur to you that the father has as much right to raise HIS child as the mother does? Or was she alone in the room when she got pregnant?

You don't get to have it both ways. You can't demand that a man pay child support or see his child, then deny that he has a stake in raising her as well.

Put it this way, what if the mother is shacking up with her drug dealer, not working and behaving like an ass? If the father made better choices...like going to college or working...then why the hell shouldn't he raise his child? You don't know that this isn't the case.

If the mother of this child is going down the tubes, then she shouldn't be permitted to take a baby with her. You don't know the circumstances any more than the rest of us do.

One day you'll have to grow up and acknowlege that stupid women have babies and shouldn't be allowed to keep them for the same reason that stupid men are denied access to their kids.

pbev:

The daughter is 19 years old, the baby is 18 months.

18 months old + 9 months to incubate = 27 months.

19 years - 27 months is 16 years od + a few months, give or take. I'll go out on a limb and say she was 17, does that make YOU feel better?

This is a case of shutting the barn door after the horse is gone.

If Heartbroken was concerned about the unsafe lifestyle her daughter was subjecting her granddaughter to, she'd go back to the drawing board and help her daughter. Get her some help, intervene. Sign her up for counseling, drug re-hab, move her in, watch the granddaughter.

Instead she took her kid away and gave her to the baby daddy. How the hell is enabling her to continue on an unsafe path without having to look after and be responsible for her kid going to make her want to straighten up and fly right?

Because the kid is gone? The road to self-destruction is always easier to run down when there is nothing standing in your way.

My guess is the grandmother was more concerned with the baby than the adult daughter. And rightly so. Maybe the baby's father is the better parent? Nah, couldn't be. ;)

pbev:

And I hope for the sake of he daughter that the baby daddy gives the kid back to her mommy if and when she gets her shit together.

Otherwise her mom is going to be in a world of hurt.

What about dad? It wouldn't be painful to him to have to give up his baby when momma gets back from rehab?