That was the most disappointing judgemental response I have ever seen Purdie post and my opinion of her has hit the bottom of the barrel. Because the sisters are opposite in a few short limited lines she has passed a very mean spirited uninformed opinion of the mother. Kids of some very nice parents make really poor choices. So little known to make such a hasty call. I was really surprised and not sure I will take much she says seriously. Purdie, you really defined yourself.

She gave an answer based on the information given. The mom sounds like a real piece of work, who obvioiusly needs help. The child is slipping, she was obviously doing better before and needs help. What is wrong with Prudies answer? Seriously ... I dont feel bad for neglectful alcholic parents I feel bad for their children.

The LW doesn't say the sister leaves the kids alone. She also doesn't say the sister's an alcoholic. To a buttoned down person, going out once a week and having drinks with coworkers sounds like an alcohol problem.

The LW sounds like she thinks she's better than anyone (but especially her sister) and wants to punish her sister for not living the way she does.

Judgmental? The LW said her teenage niece has been in trouble with the police, has already miscarriaged once, and is thinking about dropping out of school. And what's her mother doing? According to the LW, she "frequently goes out partying, and her drinking habits have many people in the family concerned." Sorry, but I think Prudie was absolutely right with this one. A mother with several children, one of whom is apparently in trouble, should not be out drinking and partying. A child, even a teenager, needs a mature parent who can provide a stable environment, be there when the child needs them, lay down the discipline when the child deserves it, and serve as a role model. This woman needs to grow up before her daughter goes off the deep end.

You know, there is such thing as being too non-judgmental.

Often the people who 'know everything' about parenting don't have any children of their own. This gives them the right to complain whenever they are 'sure' they could raise that child better than the kid's own mother could! I don't hardly even think so! Leave that girl with her mother & get a life! She will be grown soon enough. But unless both mother & niece wants niece to live with you, let them live their lives however suits them. Prudie should have tactfully suggested 'butt out' to this letter writer.

You're right she doesnt say that they are left alone its just inferred. She describes her sister going out and partying...people with kids dont need to go out partying...PERIOD.

I must have misread, I understood that the daughter was the one partying and having the behavioral problems, I didn't see the mother was drinking.

Nope. The LW says that it's the mother who's out drinking and partying and often isn't home with her children. That's why some of us are so concerned.

Cooltruth, this LW DOES have at least one child. She is absolutely right to be concerned. if you weren't concerned that your neice had a miscarriage, trouble with the police and was thinking about dropping out of school I would think that you have some major problems of your own.

Wow, When I read this, right away it looks like a bad set up. My first suspicion with the daughters behavior would be a sexual abuse history. Her uncle, the LW's husband, would be high on the list, statistically, as one of the likely potential abusers. I have seen many situations like this that dissolved into absolutely tragic consequences for all.

The most successful kids are those who have positive adult influences in their life. The more, the higher the rate of success for the child. The LW should, without neglecting her own children, work to be a positive influence in the niece's life, reach out to her in love (not out of pity or judgementally). Be suspicious about all of the male adults in contact with the niece, past and present. Read up about helping kids in trouble, understand about abuse and its legacy with older teens, talk candidly about your thoughts with your sister in a helpful, nonjudgemental way focused on the best things for the neice. Suggest family counseling... if the niece is ashamed about something, she probably won't be open to counseling, but it could at least be a start for the mom.

My heart aches for children on this kind of a path.

I agree with Hobiefam, this sounds pretty close to a sexual abuse case. Counseling would be the best way to get to the bottom of this. The only downfall to this is that counseling can be expensive, especially if the Mother does not have any kind of health insurance. A way the Aunt could help with this is to look into maybe finding conseling that is state-run or something. I dont know much about that, but I would hope that there is an option for people who cannot afford counseling.

While this upbringing may seem unstable (unstable does not have a clear definition in this case, by the way) her situation does not appear to be unsafe.

Just a side-note - The LW claims that her sister is a good mother - yet hints otherwise. So which is it?

Plenty of people go out and leave the kids with babysitters so they can enjoy socializing with adults their own age. There's nothing wrong with it, and I'd argue it's good for the kids because they 1. experience being cared for by other adults and learn new caring styles, and 2. the parents get a chance to de-stress and change environments, and it helps them appreciate their time with their children more.

My 2 cents on a couple of things here. . .

Counseling is a good idea. Daughter should get into it ASAP and mother should join if willing.

If Auntie is close enough, it seems that she could just increase her involvement in the girls life without taking her out of her home. This might not work because the girl is already out of control and might need constant supervision and dicipline to get back on track.

I'm also concerned with hobiefam's comment about sexual abuse. It's possible, but coming from a (former) wild child it's not the only explaination for the troubles. Keeping all men away from her indefinitely seems excessive and concerning. It seems that the fear of sexual abuse has reached such a frenzy that some believe that any man is a potential rapist. I'm going to deviate here but this reminds me of a joke.

A woman in on vacation with her husband and decides to take his fishing boat out on the lake to find a quiet spot to read her book. A DNR officer comes accross her floating out in the middle of the lake and asks for her fishing license. She doesn't have one so he wants to give her a ticket. "But I wasn't fishing!" she says. He points out that she has all of the equipment available on the boat to go fishing so it's the same thing. She replies "Well then I'm going to have to report you for sexual assault." He looks at her, confused. " But you have all of the equipment . . . " she says.

Funny joke, but a sad state of current society.

hobiefam:

Be suspicious about all of the male adults in contact with the niece, past and present.

Because heaven forbid a troubled girl have a postive relationship with a man.

Maybe she was abused, maybe she wasn't. There are plenty of reasons why she may be acting the way she is. Looking suspicously at all the men she's had contact with isn't going to help things. A child needs male role models as well.

hobiefam:

Wow, When I read this, right away it looks like a bad set up. My first suspicion with the daughters behavior would be a sexual abuse history. Her uncle, the LW's husband, would be high on the list, statistically, as one of the likely potential abusers. I have seen many situations like this that dissolved into absolutely tragic consequences for all.

...

Be suspicious about all of the male adults in contact with the niece, past and present. Read up about helping kids in trouble, understand about abuse and its legacy with older teens, talk candidly about your thoughts with your sister in a helpful, nonjudgemental way focused on the best things for the neice. Suggest family counseling... if the niece is ashamed about something, she probably won't be open to counseling, but it could at least be a start for the mom.

Ah - this old chestnut. Of course - it was definitely childhood sexual abuse - probably by a concerned relatives husband. Because the daughter does drugs, and almost had a baby. Those things never happen unless there is sexual abuse at a younger age. In fact - it's a scientific impossibility for a girl to do drugs or even get pregnant* unless she was sexually abused. No matter what messages/behaviors (a) parent(s) sends to/displays in front of their child(ren), - it actually impossible to fuck them up unless some man sexually abuses them - probably an uncle.

* until they get married.