Well-Done Loins, Sweetbreads, Hams and Turkeys.
Hear ye, Hear ye, Hear ye. All rise. The honourable Judge Fritz Gerlich Presiding. Real people, real cases, the decisions of the court are final. I give you the Right Honorable F. Gerlich.
Judge Gerlich: Sit the hell down, you buncha pagans. Hey, gallery, what’s the definition of stress? You give? You give? When the wife, the mistress and the mortgage are all a month late. Hahaha! Crack myself up. What do we have today, bailiff?
[Bailiff’s asleep. His assistant takes over.]
Justoffal: Well, Yr Honorableness, we have President, Jack RainMan, the accused, represented today by himself, President, Jack RainMan, the accused, the people represented by the people [of the Fray], if you could call them people, and the victim, one Mzzz Tempo Looneski, former mountaineer extradordinaire.
J.G.: Proceed, but at your own risk, counsellor.
JO: I’m not a counsellor yet, Yr Greatness. But I will be presently. Sure, I’ll proceed with caution, I always do. Mr President, did you or did you not have sexual relations with that woman, Mzzz Looneski?
RainMan: Depends what you mean by pissing up a rope, don’t it? Did my Gran-mamma eat elderberries and smell like a wolverine? You damn betcha.
JO: Please keep to the question, Mr President, did you or …
RM: Hey, you no good little lib’ral cracker, whothehellareyou to be asking me any queschun’?
JO: Yr Honoration?
J.G.: Mr President. I call you to order, Sir. Answer the question, Sir.
RM: Indeed I did have a relationship with Mzzz Looneski that was not appropriate. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to the Amer ...
Dawn-Coyote: Are you now or have you ever been a feminist, Mr RainMan? Have you ever knowingly cavorted, cajoled, conned, castrated, crowned or otherwise duped any bona fide feminist? Have you ever given any thought, Sir Piglet, to the plight of feminists under your patriarchal …
Schadenfreude: Fuck off, everybody.
J.G.: Order in my court, or I’ll have you all gelded with my gavel.
Switters: Did Gov. Spitzer say it or spray it? And what’s up with this loopy vacant smile on Paula? Barack Rules. Stay Muslim, dude. I know Allah will.
LAM: O dobe quiet, you little twerp. Where we you when the GI’s were storming the coven to upend the witch’s brew?
Ducadmo: Dobe, dobe, dobe doo. Hey, that’s not very punny, is it?
SgtRock: Did anybody see my cock ring? I know I left it around here someplace.
Biteoftheweek: My husband doesn’t need one of those things, nor Viagra neither. He just takes one randy-eyed squint at yours truly and Mr SideofBeef stands to attention everytime.
Apollonius: And into the Valley of the Neon Jungle the Seventeen Holographic horsemen steadily rode, for they had a charge to keep, wielding their mantras and their secret codas, neo-cons every last one of them … I know this has deeper resonance, but don’t expect any of you people to get that.
Topazz: [Running across the room, knocking over wardrobes and desks, bumping into children, crashing into doors, crushing two domestic cats, a dog, a ferret and a hamster so that she can fling herself melodramatically on the bed at the other end, screaming all the while.]
Isonomist: ‘Scuse me, haven’t you people forgotten something? Like the real reason we’re in this freeze-box, known as Fritz’s court-room.
Ender: What does any of this have to do with Cloverfield? Really, D- everybody.
Keifus: Pay attention, scheesh. Sloppy thinking all round, again.
Artemesia: You’ll all see momentarily. Just wait till I finish my Villanelle with the sprung-rhythm, book-ended at both ends by Sestinas, and more erudition than ‘The Wasteland’ and Pound’s ‘Cantos’ put together.
DrNo: Ask him why he called us Canadians American-Lites? Go on, ask that Texan hick creep. Pollyanna, Pollyanna, Pollyanna.
Ghost of a-z: {I am (not – now – [though once was] and never will be ~again~) a man’s woman <or a woman’s man> sans the personal pronoun.}
TK/FB: Any dysthymic transference of the Super-Id, once superimposed thus on the Ego, cannot but signify a malady of meta-clinical prop…
TNT/ciinc: O can it, would ye. Hey, did you hear the one about the New Zealand sheep farmer who was into amateur eugenics?
Inkberrow: The dangling participial phrase merely highlights the speciousness of your appositional antecedents. Such a fallacy would never pass forensic muster, though it has patently sophistic possibilities.
Ellen__: Here again is proof positive of this whole clique mentality. You, Mr IBerrow, have some gall to be prattling about dangling anything. For shame, Sir, for shame.
Schmutzie: Déjà vu again. Why do we always end up here? A commodious Vicus of recirculation back to bungling, dumbed-down idiocy.
RM: Who you calling an idiot, Smutty? I’ll have your Mid-Western ass rendited to Gitmo. Bloody damn Turn-coat.
Urquhart: He’s just another Dawg cutting in on the Urk’s action. Hey, ladies, get a whiff of these new pheromones on your peeps? Cooked up special jes for you. Am I cuming to the Fraymeat? Not unless I miss … hahahaha.
OneEyedJasper: Hmmm, there’s at least one more good chapter in this crap.
August: Definitely lends itself to the Bakhtin Formalist approach, the whole carnivalesque upside-down-fuckness of it all, though there’s also a Derridian Fold in there too, or was that the Deleuze Fold? I like the Post-Structuralist layering of the Fold, don’t you, Archy? Ted?
Archaeopteryx: Academics. Bloody dinosaurs. The quicker they become extinct the better …
Ted Burke: Fuck Baudrillard, that French Frog-eating lizard.
Angel: Well said, Ted. [Hey, that rhymed]. Why not come over to my website and read it out loud, your indignation, I mean. You know I love the spoken word, yours, mine, especially mine.
Demosthenes2: [To August, Archy, & Ted] Careful, careful now. You tread lightly, Sirs. Know your roots. I say, know your roots.
TheQuietMan: If that touchy-feely, feel-good asshole calls me autistic one more time, I swear I’ll go completely ape-shit. Also, Canada is not a colony of Alaska.
Zeus-Boy: O settle the fuck down, you clown. Besides, the ribs are ready. Sauce, everybody?
ThyGoddess: Prepare to be smitten, All.
BaldTony: Look, everybody, it’s pretty straightforward here: Either President RainMan slept with the woman, and violated the Rules of Presidential Conduct, or he didn’t.
Tartuffe: Facts! But where are the facts? Facts count. Can’t ruin two reputations on hearsay … or can we?
Sarvis: Show of hands all those who think Presidential infidelity is none of our damn business – private Vs public.
Lunesta: Way to go, BT. You’re right imho. What’s all this horsepucky about? Such a pile-on from that ring-master, Zoo-Boy. I knew him in his pre-natal existence, before his Nibbles-tit-lit phase. Was much more of a gentleman then. Imho. Everybody Locked for Stalking and unsolicited harassment, and I mean Everybody. Can’t a girl write without being stalked everywhere she goes? “L”
Rundeep: Can’t we all just get along, I mean, really. Besides, the futures are looking promising.
Bacon: Damn, I hate Canadians. I shoulda listened to my old man and been a stock-broker.
JanZ: NickD, Days, BobW, stop playing on the swivel chairs, you’ll break them. Big Brotha's watching.
SnollyG: pass the mint-sauce, mr p. love that tinge of spear in my mint.
President RainMan: Do you think I’m guilty, Bell?
TheBell: Would somebody please tell that pest that I don’t divulge sage wisdom in less than 10,000 words. Read me tomorrow.
Lono: I’m simply too street-smart for all this shit.
MichaelRyerson: Saroyan was right, it is a Human Comedy afterall: There’s a bit of Homer Macauley in each of us.
Catnapping: Has everybody forgotten the guy’s war-crimes? Guess so. Here’s the links just in case, y’know, to refresh your selective amnesia.
BaltimoreAureole: Here’s my Top-Ten list, Mr Letterman.
Watt4Bob: Fucking hate that Zoo-Boy bastard. Trouble-making, Irish culchie slurry sniffer.
Greeneggsandham: But do you like my hat?
DallasNE: No, I do not like your hat?
Gregor_Samsa: Goodbye. I’m leaving for good this time.
Grady N. Fleishmann: Good boy [And Girl, and Black and White, and Christian and Muslim and Jew, and Fat and Thin, and Big and Small, and Cute and Not-so-Cute, and Chimps and Gorillas] … And a big Thumbs Up all round.
[Moira Redmond: My favorite Book Title of the year goes to: If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start with Your Legs.]
