Dear Crabby -

My boss gets mad when I make misteaks, use inappropriate abbrvtns, yada yada, ect . . . this is my frist job (I work for a prestigious law firm, and think of myself as “ambitious”) but I’m a documented non-perfectionist. How can I get my boss to slack off a bit?

— “V for Vacuous”

Dear “The (soon to be) Departed”,

Let me guess – you auditioned for a role in the movie “Clueless”, but were too clueless to show up on time, right? Jobs that require accuracy with words and numbers are not your forte. Maybe you should seek employment as a congressional aide, since you work in Washington DC? In any case, it sounds as if you’re about to fired, so you better get your resume in order. Make sure there are no typos or misspellings, eh?

— Crabby, who takes letters like yours as confirmation of the continuing decline and fall of American competence

Dear Crabby,

I too am a recent college grad. My parents are divorced, and low income, but I’d rather stick one of them with my college loan payments, since I’m saving for a new car – the kind they can only dream about. Who’s a softer touch to hit up for help with the loan repayments – my Mom or my Dad? And what’s the best approach?

— “The best years of my life – not theirs”

Dear “The grapes of math”,

So to sum up, you want to drive up in your BMW to treat Mom to lunch on mother’s day, but have her use food stamps the other 364 days of the year in order to make ends meet while she pays your tuition loans? Sweet! Who said today’s young people are clueless? I take it all back - you definitely have a plan. (I think your plan sucks, but that’s just me.) I’m guessing that none of your college courses involved ethics, personal finance, or logic, and that you don’t really love your parents anyway. Not to worry though – your own kids won’t find you very loveable either. The circle of life continues. Pay your own damn bills – unless you got a subprime education, you can’t walk away from your obligation like a subprime mortgage.

— Crabby, who appreciates it when the boyfriend du jour helps out with the little things (condoms, martinis, manolo blahnicks) . . . I’m not sleeping with my Mom, after all.

Dear Crabby,

My girlfriend, who I just got engaged to, is constantly correcting and contradicting me. Most of the time her commentary is off topic. I’ve asked her to dial it back, but she’s ignoring me. Any ideas?

— “Hold my hand, boss”

Dear “Engaged to Annie Hell”,

Let me guess – the engagement was her idea, not yours, right? And this is a woman with no friends, other than you? (Beware the girlfriend with no best friend – always). I don’t think having you run up to her next week and announce “Crabby say’s you’re neurotic, insecure, and overbearing” is going to make much of a difference, actually. Either she gets professional help to figure out why she needs to be in control, or you need professional help to understand why you’re even in this relationship.

— Crabby, who only tells guys what to do in bed, and only (in those rare circumstances) when they actually understand they need advice. Unwanted advice is the number one relationship killer.

Dear Crabby,

I recently had work done, and now people are going “Wow, what a great boob job!" I find it very rude when mere acquaintances make such comments, as I would not comment if they got dentures!

— “There will be silicone”

Dear “Full Metal Brassiere”,

So let me sum up here: You went up 3 sizes, but didn’t think anyone would notice? Or you want to pretend that your changed appearance was a late blooming natural occurrence? I agree, it is rude to use the word “boob” to a mere acquaintance, unless he or she is ACTING like a boob, which your interlocutors are. There’s no way to make a pre-emptive strike, and prevent such comments (other than having the implants removed), and although you’re hinting that you want a snappy comeback, I’m certain that if you think this through you’ll realize that such a witty repartee will simply prolong the awkward conversation. There’s only one response to people who note the obvious: “Thanks”. Nothing more, nothing less.

— Crabby, whose every boyfriend has assured her “I prefer women with small breasts”, but who nevertheless still stare at the big girls at the beach, the mall, Camden Yards . . . well, everywhere, really. Men are such boobs.

Wow! You really pegged the letter writers this week. 1,2 and 4 are nothing but sloths, who want something for nothing. Yes even # 4, she wants to give mother nature the credit for her fabulous new boobs instead of the doc and the silicone industry. Sort of like people losing 50 lbs and acting as if they'd always been thin.

Console yourself with the fact that no matter how big a chick's
breasts are, once a man's seen them, he's bored and he wants
to see some more. 

thank goodness it doesnt work that way with us, and the male unit. if it did, there'd be a lot more infidelity, eh?

there are 2 reasons women get implants:

• later in life, as an attempt to repeal newton's law of gravity
• earlier (20's) as an attempt to attract "the right guy". the irony of this approach is that the right guy is almost certainly not one who puts THAT number one on his priorities with a girl

if, inside every fat person there's a skinny one screaming to get out, does it work that way with implants, too?

are the original ones screaming to get out? how does that work?

God these were good! I mean, you are always good...

Oh, wait, that might be seen as pointless praise. Re Post: tks.

I really don't get the boob thing. I mean I do, but I don't. Clear? Right, AC, as clear as mud. I have little boobs (and yes, every man I've ever dated, has told me they prefer small boobs - the liars!) and was picked on mercilessly in school. Personal favorite, "Hey AC, when are you going to grow boobs!" AC "When you get a brain, asshole!" (I got detention for swearing. Bastards.) Oh and I got all kinds of advice, wear a padded bra, wear something tight, wear something revealing, eat more bread, try this cream, etc. Really, the list for making your boobs bigger is probably like the one for making your penis longer, thicker, whatever and about as useful.

I thought about breast augmentation, but then I'd be attracting the boob guys (those men who really like big boobs) and I was really more interested in the guys who would like me for my sparkling wit and potty mouth... er... charming way with words.

I obviously didn't get the implants and now I am completely happy with my lot in life, especially as I now get to hear about my friends worrying about breast sag.

Doesn't mean I don't feel a bit disappointed when I put on a sports bra and everything VANISHES (where do they go?!?), but my god, it is better to learn to be happy with what you got and cheaper too! And if your self esteem is so low that you have to get boob implants to feel better about yourself and then are self conscious about them and irritated by the attention - my god woman, you really should have spent the money on a shrink!

Hmmm. That was rantish. My bad.

Tks.

There's a skinny woman inside me screaming to get out, but I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.

Honestly, I think I would have rather been small-breasted. You're right, gravity is a terrible thing. And so is people automatically assuming you don't have a brain in your head, or that you're a slut, just because you have big boobs. Puh.

LOL!!! That was the star post of the day.

My boob question: where do these women get bras for their implants? My natural 34 DDDs are impossible to shop for. Oh, that and the fact that my cleavage dives for my belly button without the bra. I want surgery just to put them back where they started! (And yeah, it's pathetic that at 23 I already want a lift.) Oh, for my carefree tween years, when a bra was an option, not a necessity.

I actually do prefer smaller breasts, but if there is cleavage about, I can't help but peak. (Not stare...very long at all.) Well, it takes a conscious effort to not peak, so I'm still sort of dealing with them. I'd prefer to not to be so easily distracted by it - it sucks when you're caught looking by a SO, or when it's a friend's wife, or it's a person you have a lot of respect for. I don't mind being pervy, but it'd be nice if it wasn't so reflexive...

being small myself, it works when i'm playing the "hot schoolgirl"

not so much if i'm a cheerleader, french maid, or hula girl (which hasn't happened in ages)

in that regard.

when i go a nude beach (not recently, thank you), i'm under no special embarassment because i'm small.

for a guy, it must be agonizing, if they're "growers" and not show-ers.

I love the french maid outfit but try finding a chick with a stewardess costume in the closet.

I thought you'd like the hula girl outfit because the coconuts don't give anything away.

separately, which is odd because you'd think the grass skirt would wear out first.

the ever present danger of fire